


Forever I Am With You

by IvanW



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Abduction, Adult Part, Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Starfleet Academy, Bonding, Consensual Underage Sex, Explicit Sexual Content, First Kiss, First Love, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Gay, Gay Sex, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loss, M/M, Memory Alteration, Mind Control Aftermath & Recovery, Possessive Behavior, Pre-Reform Vulcan, Psychological Trauma, Riverside, Romance, Sexual Content, Slavery, Soul Bond, T'hy'la, Teen Part, Teen Romance, Teenage Rebellion, Teenager sex, Telepathic Bond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-03
Updated: 2017-06-29
Packaged: 2018-04-24 16:10:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 39
Words: 55,916
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4926256
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/IvanW/pseuds/IvanW
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock’s family spends a year in Riverside where he attends high school during that year with a certain familiar human.<br/>When their time together ends, a new adventure awaits with twists, turns and tragedy, but as always Jim and Spock find their way back to each other</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Part One: You Opened Up Your Heart

Jim Kirk had dreaded the school year all summer. He hated school. Not because he was dumb or anything. He was far more advanced than the other kids his age. But he was bored there. Bored with the teachers who liked to make an example of him. They didn’t like the fact that he was so smart or that he’d had famous parents. And they were, of course, familiar with his older brother before him.

And then there were the whispers about him. He tried to pretend he didn’t hear them or whatever they said about him didn’t matter. But he heard them and it did.

After his father had been killed in some epic battle nobody ever really wanted to talk about, least of all Winona Kirk, his mother, they’d all come to live with his grandparents in Riverside, Iowa, at a farmhouse.

It had all gone okay for a while until Jim, about six, had fallen from the rafters of the barn. He’d climbed up there even though he wasn’t supposed to. He’d been told before. He lost his footing and he slipped and fell right in front of Gran.

Everyone said Gran had let out the most bloodcurdling scream. Jim had lost consciousness and when he woke up in the hospital, his mom told him that Gran had a heart attack and died. They all blamed him. And Jim knew it was his fault.

Jim had recovered from his injuries but didn’t recover from that.

After that, Grandpa had faded fast until he couldn’t bathe or feed himself and Mom had him put in a home. In Iowa City. They barely went to see him.

Then Mom met and married this prick named Frank. The bastard pretty much used Sam and Jim as punching bags.

Sometimes when Frank got to wailing on Sam, Jim would deliberately do something to turn his attention away from Sam and to him. He became numb then. Had to.

Jim had been sent away from the family for a while, when he’d fucked up one of Frank’s car. He didn’t like to think about that time. The horrors.

When he’d been rescued, Frank was gone, Sam was back home, and Mom had been determined. Things were better. Sort of.

Mom still drank too much, but at least she didn’t hit them. She got verbally abusive though. And she kept talking about space and going back out there. She never had though.

High school sucked like all school sucked. Being sixteen hadn’t changed that a bit.

So on the first day he went to school because his mom dropped him off and watched him walk into the building. He was tempted to wait long enough for her to leave and then bail but knowing her she’d hang out there all day just to spite him.

Just like last semester he heard the whispers about him. _Tarsus. Abuse. Psychotic. Stay away._ Jim actually hoped they did stay away. He didn’t need any friends.

He’d heard rumors that first day that there was a Vulcan attending school that year in Riverside, but Jim figured that was bullshit. There was nothing at all special about Riverside. Why would a Vulcan be there?

A week into school he saw the Vulcan. He was beautiful with dark hair and dark, serious eyes. Jim couldn’t stop staring at the boy, though the Vulcan never once looked his way. He knew the Vulcan hung around a blonde girl named, Christine, but he didn’t really know her either. Jim didn’t have friends.

“You feeling sorry for yourself again, bro?”

Jim looked up from his contemplation as he shuffled home after school. September would be over soon. Hard to believe he’d been tortured at school for three solid weeks already.

“When did you get here?” Jim asked Sam with a frown. His brother, who was two years older than Jim and a senior, had fallen into step beside him and now walked down the road toward the farmhouse with him.

“A few minutes ago. You were spacing again.”

Jim bit his lip and nodded.

“That’s why they talk about you, you know.”

“What? Who?”

“All the other kids. Because you’re all in your own head all the time, Jimmy. They think Tarsus damaged you.”

“Don’t say that word.”

Sam sighed. “Stuff like that. A word shouldn’t bother you so much.”

Jim glared at his brother. “Well, you weren’t there were you? You were off staying with Aunt Tildy.”

“So you’re mad at me because I didn’t have to go through it?”

“Yes,” Jim admitted.

Sam shook his head. “You’re not the only one who’s ever been through something.”

“I never said I was.”

Sam sighed. “I heard that girl with the red hair likes you. You should ask her out.”

“I don’t want to.”

“What? Why not? She’s hot.”

Jim shrugged.

Sam stopped in the road and grabbed Jim to stop him too. He frowned. “Are you gay?”

Jim’s heart dropped into his stomach. “What? No?”

“Are you? Because it’s okay if you are. But are you?” Sam asked, demanding really. Shaking him.

“No! And stop. That hurts. All right?”

Sam let him go. “All right. Sorry.” Sam continued to stare at him, seeing way too much as far as Jim was concerned. “You know…what happened before. That—doesn’t have to have anything to do with who you like or anything. You know that, right?”

Jim felt his face go up in flames. He was _not_ going to talk about this. Not with Sam. Not with anyone.

“I know. Okay? Just shut up already.”

Sam nodded and grabbed Jim’s arm briefly as they continued walking home.

Jim tried to think of some way to change the subject. “Halloween’s next month.”

“So?”

“Gonna wear a costume?”

“Why would I do something lame like that?” 

“Cause it’s Halloween.”

“That’s for kids. And anyway it’s lame to wear a costume. I’m too old for that. So are you.”

Jim guessed he probably was. He could see the farmhouse now. He wondered if Mom had been drinking all day or that day would be a good day.

Sam eyed him. “I can go in first when we get there if you want.”

“I can do it.”

“Yeah.” Sam nodded. “Still. You want me to?”

Jim swallowed. “Could you?”

Sam smiled. “Sure, I will. You want spaghetti tonight?”

“Yeah. And garlic bread?”

“Of course.”

Sam was all right. Even if he was a jerk sometimes.

.****

It took a lot of courage for Jim to approach the Vulcan teenaged boy sitting in the corner of the auditorium looking like he wanted to be anywhere else. He was a couple of years older than Jim, which made him kind of intimidating anyway, and then there was the fact Jim had never met a Vulcan before.

Still there was something about this particular Vulcan—boy—that fascinated him.

Around them, students decorated the auditorium for the Halloween carnival that had been planned. Jim hadn’t really given much thought to Halloween since September. He was a bit too old to dress up and his brother, Sam, said it would be lame to do so anyway. Jim didn’t want Sam to think he was lame.

Jim had heard the boy’s name was Spock. Just Spock as far as Jim knew. He didn’t really know anyone who had only one name.

Spock was there at school because his father was an Ambassador to Terra, and at the moment Spock and his family were spending time in Riverside. God only knew why. Jim couldn’t wait to bail on Riverside. Spock would only be there that school year and then he would be returning to Vulcan. Or so that’s what Jenny had told Jim. In a snooty know-it-all-why-am-I-talking-to-you kind of voice. 

Jim bit his lip and finally got up the courage to speak to Spock. He stood before the boy, noticing Spock became stiffer as soon as he looked at Jim.

“Hi,” Jim said.

Spock said nothing, simply stared at Jim with his dark eyes, as though expecting something.

“I’m Jim.” Still no response. Jim shifted nervously. “Your name is Spock, right?”

“Yes.”

“I-I-uh.” Jim licked his lips. “Can I sit down?”

“If your aim is to inflict insults on me, I request that you get it over with and then leave me alone.”

Jim blinked. “Insults? No. Not at all.” He gestured to the uncomfortable plastic chair beside Spock. “May I?”

Spock nodded. “You are more polite than the others.”

“The others?” Jim sat in the chair.

“I was accosted a short time ago by some of your classmates.”

“Oh.” Jim sighed. “Sorry about that. Some of them are real jerks. Um, what did they say?”

Spock stared at Jim. After a moment the tension in his shoulders relaxed. “That I would not need a Halloween mask because I was ugly and scary enough without one.”

“Oh my God. That’s—that’s so not true. What a bunch of assholes.” Jim shook his head. “You’re far from ugly. I think you’re really cute.”

Spock’s eyebrow went up. “And you do not find me scary?”

“No. You’re different. I mean I’ve never met a Vulcan before or anything. So there’s an element of the unknown, right? But not like ‘OMG, you’re gonna get me’ or anything.”

Spock looked away. “I find you pleasing in appearance as well.”

Jim couldn’t stop the grin from appearing. “Yeah?”

Spock nodded, flushing a slightly darker shade of green.

“So. Um. What’s it like to be Vulcan?”

“I beg your pardon?”

Jim winced at the sharp tone. “I don’t mean to be offensive. It’s just…I don’t really know anything. You know? And I’d like to learn.”

“My mother is human,” Spock replied.

That did surprise Jim. “Yeah? Is she here too? In Riverside. Not in school.”

“I understood what you meant. And yes, she is here with my father and me.”

“Wow, so, Vulcans and humans can do it?” Jim slapped his hand across his mouth. He shook his head rapidly. “That was stupid.”

“Indeed,” Spock agreed all too readily. “Vulcans are humanoids and biologically similar to other humanoids. Clearly that means humans and Vulcans can ‘do it’.”

“God, you must think I’m an idiot.” When Spock did not reply to that, Jim figured he had his answer. He sighed heavily. “I’m not making a good impression, huh?”

“Is it your intention to do so?”

“Yeah.”

“For what purpose?”

“I’d like to be your friend. You know. Or-or whatever.” Jim looked away, blushing. Not very subtle, Jim. He shrugged. “I don’t have like tons or anything. Friends, I mean.”

“Nor do I.”

He said it in a way that Jim wasn’t sure if perhaps Spock thought that was a good thing.

“Maybe we could hang out together then. If you want.”

“If you like,” Spock said slowly. “However, you should be informed that I do not regularly participate in what is considered normal human teenaged activities.”

Jim frowned. “Like what?”

“Attending movies. Drinking alcohol. Going to parties. Operating vehicles at advanced speeds.”

“Oh. Okay. Whew. Glad you didn’t say what I thought you were going to say.”

“What was that?”

Like Jim was going to tell Spock he was thinking of sex. Yeah right. No way.

“Anyway,” Jim said, clearing his throat, hoping Spock wouldn’t press the point. “That’s cool about all that. I have done some of that, though. You know. Just so you realize.”

Spock arched a brow. Jim thought it was really cute. “What have you done?”

“Well, um, most of it, actually.” Jim grinned. “When I was younger I actually sort of drove a car off a cliff.”

Spock blinked. “For what purpose?”

“Well, I was being chased by the police or whatever. But it was also to piss off my stepfather.”

“And did it succeed?”

Jim forced a smile. “Yeah. Anyway, enough about him. He’s gone and who cares about him now.”

Spock was staring at him very intently now which made Jim squirm a bit. It was like Spock could read his mind or know what Jim was thinking or something.

“Very well,” Spock said softly. He looked past Jim at the students setting up for the carnival. “Do you wear costumes for Halloween, Jim?”

“I used to. But I’m pretty much over that now. It’s for little kids.” Jim shrugged. “My brother thinks it’s lame.”

“An older brother?”

Jim grinned. “Of course. Sam. It’s just me and him. And Mom.”

“Now that your stepfather is gone.”

“Right. What about you? You have siblings?”

“No. It is my father, my mother, and me.”

“Cool. So kind of the same.”

Spock tilted his head. “You have a brother, I do not. I have a father, you do not. We both have mothers. How is that the same?”

“You know a household of three.”

“Ah. I see.” He paused for a moment. “May I make an inquiry?”

“Sure.”

“Is your biological father alive? Did your parents divorce?”

“No. My father was killed the day I was born in a battle on a starship. The Kelvin. You may have heard of it.”

“Then you are the son of George Kirk?”

“Yes, that’s right. So you have heard of it.”

“I have studied various events of Terran history and Federation history,” Spock replied. “I grieve with thee.”

“Well.” Jim felt his skin get warm and prickly. “Thanks. I didn’t ever really know him, though, so—” Jim glanced at the time. “I should probably head home. Did you-did you want to walk with me or are you hanging around here longer?”

“I was waiting for word from an acquaintance who possibly required my assistance. However it appears to be past the time she indicated she would contact me if required.”

Jim’s heart sank. “She? A girlfriend? Or a potential one, anyway?”

Spock rose from his seat. “Negative. My acquaintance is merely a potential friend.”

“Oh. Like me?”

“Precisely,” Spock responded. It wasn’t quite the response Jim hoped for but neither was it a complete dismissal of him. Jim suspected with Spock that might be a win.

“Okay, so let’s go. I’ll walk you to your house.”

“Very well.”

****

“Spock, is that you?”

Spock was not certain who else it would be, but Mother always asked that whenever he arrived home from his classes each day. “Yes, Mother.”

It was not really home, of course. But temporary lodgings while they were in Iowa. Father’s ambassador duties required him to be in a nearby, larger city for the school year, however, they had decided a suburban area would be more ideal for their temporary lodging. Father traveled to the larger city daily.

Spock put his book bag on the couch and followed the direction of Mother’s voice. She was outside in the yard, tending to her garden. The sliding door had been left open with just a screen door between the house and the yard. Spock pushed the screen aside and stepped outside.

“Good afternoon, Mother.”

She smiled up at him from her position on her knees, her hands in dirt. “Hello, Darling. How was school?”

“It was tolerable. I am ahead by three assignments in all of my classes.”

“Of that I have no doubt.”

“I met someone today.”

“Oh? Someone other than your new friend, Christine?”

Spock nodded. “I did see Christine today, however.”

Mother sat back on her haunches. “Who is this new friend? Tell me about her.”

Spock cleared his throat. “I met a male.”

“Oh.” Her smile widened. “Well, that’s lovely. Who is he?”

“His name is Jim. I believe him to be a little younger than myself.”

Mother stood and brushed dirt from her skirt. She tucked a stray hair into the headscarf she wore and then stepped over to an outdoor sink she had to wash her hands.

“And how did you meet Jim? Is he in one of your classes?”

“No. He introduced himself to me in the auditorium.” Spock wondered why now that he considered it. “I am not certain as to his motive.”

“No? Maybe he likes you.”

“He did say he found my appearance ‘cute’.”

“There you have it. Do you find him also cute, Spock?”

“Mother.”

She shrugged and laughed. She took a towel and dried her hands. “It’s just a question. And judging by your blush I would say he is.”

“I found him pleasing in appearance,” Spock admitted. Which was possibly meaningless. Spock thought that Jim was attempting flirtation with him, but admittedly he was not always attuned to the bizarreness of human behavior. What Spock suspected might be mutual interest could possibly be Jim‘s friendly nature.

“Come have tea with me,” Mother said, looping her arm in his and drawing him back into the house.

“It is illogical to cultivate a garden in a home that will not be ours for long,” Spock told her as they stepped into the kitchen.

“Oh, I know. But I am illogical, Spock. Surely you know that by now, dearest.”

He opened his mouth to try and make his point further when it occurred to him that to cultivate a relationship with another boy knowing he would be leaving would likewise be illogical. And yet…Spock was fascinated.

“I was thinking of perhaps asking Jim to come to dinner with us one night if that is acceptable,” Spock said instead.

“I think that would be lovely.”

“Should I inquire if Father objects?”

“There’s no need. He won’t.”

Spock was not so sure. He doubted Father wanted Spock to become attached in any way to a human male while on Terra. Both of his parents were aware of his preferences for paramours of the male persuasion, but Spock knew Father preferred that Spock choose a Vulcan mate. Not that seeing Jim would be choosing a mate. He was not even positive Jim saw him with romantic interest.

Mother approached the rattan table and chairs in the breakfast nook of the house with a teapot and two cups. “Sit, Spock.”

Spock did so and Mother joined him at the table. “What day would be best to have Jim for dinner?”

“Oh, whenever you wish, dear.”

****

It was two days later when Spock was able to locate Jim at school. Spock did not know what classes Jim had. The younger teen was leaning against a building, one foot pressed against the wall, bending his knee. 

By the time Spock was close enough to realize that Jim’s eyes were red as though he’d been crying, it was too late to avoid Jim seeing him. Jim stared straight at Spock.

“Hi.”

Spock felt a weird fluttering in his side where his heart lay. “You are distressed?”

“No, I—I’m fine.” Jim’s smile was a little watery but it was still a smile. “What’s up?”

Now that he was here Spock felt a little awkward about asking Jim to dinner. Perhaps he should not. The truth was he knew very little about Jim or his situation.

“Spock?” Jim’s voice was soft, tentative. And as Spock looked into Jim’s startling blue eyes he saw vulnerability and uncertainty he was fairly certain was mirrored in his own eyes.

“I would like to ask you to dinner at my home if you are available.”

Jim blinked for several seconds. “ _Me_? You want _me_ to come to your house?”

“If you would rather not—”

“No! I—" Jim licked his lips. “I’d really like that. A lot.”

Spock nodded. “I assume you will need to request permission from your mother.”

“Nah. I’ll let my brother know. He’ll tell Mom.” Jim pulled out a PADD and quickly typed something into it. Then he tucked it back in his school bag. “There. All set.”

“Are you certain? I would not like to cause you trouble.”

“You won’t. You couldn’t. Mom won’t care, trust me.”

Spock was not sure whether Jim spoke the truth since Spock’s own mother would most definitely care. But, for now, he would have to do as Jim said and trust him.

They left the schoolyard then and headed down the long stretch of road that would take them past the railroad tracks and to the right to Spock’s family’s rented home. Spock was aware it was one of the nicer homes in Riverside. Maybe even the nicest. That could be rented anyway.

He did not know what Jim’s house was like, though Jim had called it a ‘farmhouse’.  He was not certain what typical Terran farmhouses looked like.

“What is your home like?” Spock decided to ask.

“Just an old house on a piece of land,” Jim said with a shrug. “When my grandparents owned it I guess they did farming and stuff. But we don’t.  It’s pretty much nothing but old grass and dirt. Once Mom planted a vegetable garden but Frank ran over it on purpose when he got mad about something. After that she didn’t want to do it anymore.”

“That is unfortunate.”

Jim cast a glance sideways at Spock. “You have a gift for understatement.”

They’d reached his house now. Mother had placed a couple of pumpkins on the porch as well as a man made of straw she had referred to as a ‘scarecrow’. She’d used some of Spock’s old clothes for the straw man’s attire.

Jim smiled at the decorations. “These are cool. Didn’t expect it.”

“As I previously stated she is human and I believed since we are currently on Terra she wished to ‘when in Rome do as the Romans do’.”

Jim laughed. “Gotcha.”

Spock walked up the steps of the porch and pushed the door open. “Mother? I am home and I have brought Jim with me.” 


	2. To All the Things You Feared Before

The first thing Jim noticed was that Spock’s mom was pretty. She had beautiful dark eyes that reminded him of Spock’s. Unlike Spock, she smiled freely, as she approached Jim with her hand extended. She wore an elaborately colored scarf covering most of her dark hair.

“It’s wonderful to meet you, Jim.”

“Thank you, ma’am.” He took her hand and gave it a gentle shake. He didn’t know why, but he wanted to be gentle with her.

“You can call me Amanda if you like.”

“Oh. Okay.” Jim wasn’t used to a parent being so informal. He never called adults by their first name.

“Would you like something to drink, Jim? I just made some pink lemonade.”

“Sure.” Jim cleared his throat. “I mean, yes, please.”

Amanda smiled at her son. “Did you have a good day at school, Spock?”

“It was informative.”

The truth was this was weird for Jim. He had never been at any friend’s house for dinner or anything else.  Not that Jim had friends exactly. There were some kids he hung around with a bit, but most either thought he was too weird or in too much trouble. Jim was fortunate that Spock had yet to form a negative opinion of him.

“Here you are,” Amanda announced, thrusting glasses of pink lemonade into both Jim’s and her son’s hands. “Why don’t you show Jim your room, Spock? Maybe do some studying together. Dinner’s not quite ready.”

“Very well.”

“Jim, I hope you like butternut squash. I’m making a soup.”

“Yes, ma’am. That sounds good.”

She smiled and waved her hand. “Off you go then. I’ll call you when it’s ready.”

Jim followed Spock down a long hallway to what he assumed was Spock’s bedroom. It was a dark room with only a single window facing away from the sun. There were no chairs in the room, just a queen-sized bed and a dresser drawer as well as a closet and an attached bathroom.

“Nice room.”

“Thank you.” Spock set his lemonade on the top of the dresser and so Jim did, too. 

Jim lay on his stomach on the bed. “This okay?”

“It is.” And to Jim’s surprised delight, Spock did the same next to him, after disposing of his shoes. Jim toed his shoes off.

“So, um. I guess you know, huh?”

“Know what, Jim?”

“That I like you.”

“I like you as well.”

Jim licked his lips. “No. I mean, I like you. Like you like you.”

Spock tilted his head in confusion. “I do not understand the point of repeating that you like me when we have already established it.”

Jim blushed. “I mean, as more than as a friend.”

Spock nodded. “I had assumed that was what we were speaking of.”

“Oh.” Jim grinned. “Then you like me? Like me like me?”

Spock’s brows furrowed. “That is nonsensical.”

“What I mean is…can I kiss you?” He had butterflies in his stomach. What if Spock said something like Vulcans don’t kiss? Or even ‘I might like you but that doesn’t mean I want to swap spit with you?’ Okay, so maybe it wasn’t likely Spock would say that, exactly. But something sorta like that.

“Yes.”

Jim stared at Spock’s lips. His heart thundered hard in his chest. He’d just been given permission to kiss those lips and now he was frozen like some idiot.

“If your will permit me,” Spock said softly. He extended his middle and index fingers.

“Uh.”

“Touch yours to mine,” Spock explained.

With a slight shrug, Jim did just that, put his fingers against Spock’s.

“This is a Vulcan kiss.”

Jim smiled. “You have your own version of a kiss?”

“It is also a way to hold hands,” Spock further explained. “It is a gesture of affection between those with romantic feelings toward each other.”

Jim noticed their fingers were still touching, and though it hadn’t been exactly what Jim had in mind, he was reluctant to move his fingers from Spock’s. He liked it.

“On Vulcan, kissing as humans do in public is considered quite improper. This is accepted between committed couples, but you would never do this with a classmate there. It would be unacceptable.”

“And yet you are doing it with a classmate here.”

“Yes.”

Emboldened, Jim leaned very slightly over and touched his lips to Spock’s in a very chaste and brief kiss. Spock’s mom was just in the other room and Spock’s bedroom door was open. Spock’s lips were cool and Jim found he wanted to kiss them again. With a glance first toward the hallway, he leaned over again and put his lips on Spock’s for a longer kiss. He closed his eyes for this one and it was even better.

He felt himself blush as he pulled away. “Have you ever kissed before?”

“Negative. Neither with my hands or my mouth,” Spock admitted. “Have you?”

“No, not like this. Not like any of this.” Jim bit his lips. “I was afraid you wouldn’t like me.”

“Why?” Spock sounded genuinely perplexed.

“Well, either because you didn’t like guys or you didn’t like humans.”

“My mother is human.”

“Yeah, so your dad did. Doesn’t mean you would.”

Spock stared into Jim’s eyes, his dark eyes very warm, like melting chocolate. “I do.”

Jim smiled, his lips curving upward just as Spock leaned forward to kiss Jim. Their fingers were _still_ touching. The butterflies in his stomach were gone, replaced by a new more intimate flutter. Their noses touched, then Spock adjusted the tilt of his head so that their lips aligned properly. It was a sweet kiss that Jim felt all the way to his toes.

“I like kissing you,” Jim whispered.

“I like kissing you as well.”

“Yeah? Which way?”

“Both,” Spock admitted. His gaze flicked to their touching fingers. “We are making out as far as Vulcans are concerned.”

Jim laughed quietly. “Maybe as far as humans are concerned too.” He kissed Spock again, much more slowly this time. He was thrilled when Spock’s lips softened and then Spock deepened the kiss.

“Boys! Dinner,” Spock’s mother called from the other room.

They broke apart, both of them struggling to get their gazes to focus. Spock’s fingers slipped away from Jim’s and Jim had a moment when he wanted to get them back, almost desperately.

He shook his head and straightened, sitting up. Spock was already standing. Obviously Vulcans recovered far easier than humans did.

He hurried after Spock toward the kitchen.

****

“Thank you for dinner,” Jim said as he walked out onto the porch of Spock’s home. “It was really good. And thank your mom, too.”

“You have already thanked her more than once.”

“Oh. Well. Thank her again.” Jim smiled, looked up at the darkening sky. The stars were coming out. “I don’t suppose you can see Vulcan from here.”

“Definitely not.”

“I’d love to see it someday.”

“And I would like for you to see it.”

“Yeah?” Jim smiled. “Hey, Spock.”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Would you-would you maybe go to the Halloween Carnival with me?” He knew he was blushing. He felt the heat all over his neck and face. “We don’t have to wear costumes or anything. But there will be games and rides and stuff.”

“Yes.”

“I mean if you don’t want to, it’s … did you say yes?”

Spock nodded. “I would wish to go with no one else save you.”

Jim felt a little giddy. It was a night that sort of caused giddiness. His heart was pounding, his palms were sweaty, and maybe he was a little in love.

“Cool,” he said, wanting to sound as nonchalant as possible. He didn’t want Spock to realize just what a dork he was.

“I request to walk you home,” Spock said.

“You don’t need to.”

“Perhaps not, but I would like to do so.”

“Who will walk you back home then?”

Spock arched a brow. “You are an illogical human.”

Jim smiled.

“May I?”

The truth was, he was hardly ready to say goodnight to Spock, so if being walked home, when he really didn’t need to be, meant he’d get to spend more time with Spock, well, then… ”Okay.”

Jim stuffed his hands into the pockets of his jeans because, well, it was a little chilly and he didn’t have a coat, and because he was really tempted to hold Spock’s hand.

“You are cold?” Spock asked.

“A little.”

“I will be right back.” Spock disappeared into the house but returned only a moment later holding out a coat for Jim.

Jim opened his mouth to protest but then it smelled like Spock and all he could think of was that he wanted to bury his nose in it or maybe wrap it around him when he went to bed. He slipped it on. He smiled, feeling his face heat again. Spock stepped close and adjusted the collar of the coat and Jim found he couldn’t help but stare. “Thanks.”

“You are quite welcome.” Spock stepped back. “I have informed my mother I would be escorting you home.”

“All right.”

They began to walk away from Spock’s home into the much less nicer areas of Riverside. It wasn’t that Riverside was particularly dangerous. It wasn’t. But there were definitely different income levels and the one where Spock’s rented home lay was definitely different than the old Kirk farmhouse.

“So, you must think this place is pretty dead.”

“Dead?”

“Yeah, Riverside. Not much to do on a good day, let alone ordinary days.”

“It is acceptable on a temporary basis. And it is not as though I do a great many exciting things on Vulcan,” Spock replied.

“I guess Vulcans are all about logic and studying.”

“Mostly.”

In the distance they could hear the howls of the coyotes. It kind of gave their walk a bit of a spooky atmosphere appropriate for October.

“What animals do they have on Vulcan? Not coyotes, I guess.”

“There are, indeed, no coyotes. There are sehlats and le-matyas. Both are unlike any animal you have ever encountered and would be quite dangerous to you.”

Jim smiled. “Well, honestly, I wouldn’t especially want to face down a coyote either.”

They’d reached the edge of the farmland where his house lay. He could see the lights from the house in the distance.

“Thanks for the walk home, Spock. Are you sure you’re all right going back by yourself?”

“I am certain. I will send you a message on your PADD if you wish to let you know I have made it safely.”

“I would really like that.” Jim gave him the information he would need to send a message to his PADD.

“You do not wish me to walk you all the way to your house?”

“This is close enough,” Jim told him. He didn’t want to admit to Spock that he wasn’t sure what condition his mom was in. There was no need to subject Spock to a belligerent, drinking Winona Kirk. He started to shrug out of Spock’s coat.

Spock stopped him by grasping Jim’s biceps. “Keep it for now. You have still a number of steps to take before you are inside and I would not want you to get cold.”

“Thanks.” Jim’s gaze went to Spock’s lips. Before he could stop himself he took a step closer until he was very much in Spock’s space. “Everything about tonight was—”

“Yes, it was,” Spock said softly. He tilted his head just as Jim leaned in to kiss him.

It was just the briefest of touches. A tease really. But Jim didn’t want to push his luck. And he wanted Spock to get home safely as soon as possible. Even still, just before he pulled away, he kissed Spock again, running his tongue along the seam of Spock’s lips.

“Goodnight, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Jim. Sleep well.”

Jim realized they were both standing there, waiting for the other to leave, and he was pretty sure Spock had no intention of returning toward his house until he saw Jim reach his. So, with reluctance, Jim turned and ran toward his house.

The porch light automatically came on as he approached and when he turned around, he finally saw Spock moving away, in the opposite direction.

For a moment, Jim stood on the porch just watching the night. But then he knew he would have to face his family, eventually, and it really was cold out.

So he turned the handle of the front door and went inside.

“I’m home,” he called.

“In here,” Mom called back from the direction of the kitchen.

She was standing, leaning against the sink. There were drying dishes on the counter and she held a cup of hot tea in her hands. To Jim’s relief, he couldn’t smell any alcohol.

“Hi.”

“Hi yourself,” she said. “You had dinner, yes?”

“Yeah. At a friend’s house.”

She stared at him for a moment, the same blue eyes he had looking back at him. She turned away toward the teakettle. “Want some? It’s cold out there. Your nose is all red.”

“Please.”

“Who is this friend, Jimmy? Is that his coat?”

“Yes. His name is Spock.”

“That’s a funny name. Milk and sugar?”

“Yes, please.” Jim took the cup from her. “He’s Vulcan.”

“Oh.” Mom nodded. “I heard they were staying here. Aren’t they staying at the Huntley house?”

“That’s right, yes. Um, Sam told you I wouldn’t be home?”

“He told me. You should have told me yourself though. Do I bite?”

_Sometimes._

“No. I’m sorry.”

She smiled. “Next time, okay? And if this Vulcan is such a good _friend_ he loans you his coat, I want to meet him.  You could have him over to dinner here, you know.”

“He’s vegetarian,” Jim said.

Mom rolled her eyes. “I do actually know a few things, Jimmy. I can make him something without meat. You know before you and Sam came along, before Starfleet even, I once took some chef classes.”

“You did? You wanted to be a chef?”

“Yep.” She smiled fondly. “Then I met this tall blond haired, blue eyed man named George who told me all about Starfleet Academy. He charmed me into it.”

Jim returned her smile. “I bet you two were cute together.”

“Well, you’re the result, kiddo, so I guess we were.” She ruffled his hair. “Don’t stay up too late. You have school in the morning. Night, Jim.”

“Goodnight, Mom.” 

His PADD beeped from within his book bag. He took it out and smiled.

_Home._


	3. You're Keeping Him Alive

Spock was fairly certain Jim had come dressed in a light blue sweater so that it would bring out the beauty of his eyes. And Spock decided Jim had been successful. The color was quite complimentary.

For a moment, while Jim stood on Spock’s porch, all Spock could do was stare at him. This-this was not good. He was falling for this human quite fast and at the end of the school year, Spock would return to Vulcan. It could not possibly end well for either of them.

“Hi,” Jim said, smiling that stunning smile that made Spock’s heart speed up to dangerous levels.

A part of Spock wished to tell Jim to go away. But the thought of Jim going away or anywhere that wasn’t with Spock was far too painful. Yes, this young human was a danger to Spock’s emotional control.

“Spock? You okay?”

“Yes. That sweater is very pleasing.”

The smile brightened. “Yeah? You like it? It’s a little cold tonight and with a lot of the Halloween carnival outside, I thought I’d wear it. My mom bought it somewhere in Iowa City. Yours is really nice, too.”

Spock did not suppose there was anything particularly attractive about his own dark, charcoal gray sweater except for the fact his mother had made it. It was soft and warm. But it did not set off the color of his eyes or make him look impossibly kissable. Like Jim’s.

“Are you ready to go?”

“Yes.”

“I forgot your coat again,” Jim said, biting his lip. “Sorry.”

Spock was starting to believe Jim forgot the coat on purpose because he liked it. And Spock didn’t mind if Jim wanted to keep it for a while. It had been purchased for Riverside. He would not need such a coat on Vulcan.

“It is all right, Jim. I have other coats.” Spock needed a coat at that moment, as a matter of fact. It was cold out and he could see mists coming from their mouths when they breathed. “Do you need a coat now?”

“Oh, no. I’m fine.”

“Are you certain? I am getting a coat for myself.”

“The sweater is good. Promise.”

“Very well. I will be right back.”

As Spock went into the hall closet, his mother came into the front hall.

“Jim is here?”

“Yes, he is waiting outside.”

“In the cold?” She shook her head.

“We are about to leave.” Spock put on his coat.

Mother went to the front door and peered out. “Jim, why aren’t you wearing a coat?”

“The sweater’s fine, ma’am.”

“Spock, get Jim a coat.”

“No, really,” Jim protested.

“Mother, he does not want a coat.”

“All right, all right. Teenagers.” But she was smiling. She reached over and straightened Spock’s collar and sweater. “Have a good time.”

Jim was waiting for him just below the porch when he walked outside. “Did you bring credits?”

“Credits?” Spock fell into step beside Jim.

“For the games and stuff? Don’t worry about it. I brought some.”

Spock nodded. “I apologize. I was not aware I would need them.”

“No big deal. Just remember when you’re here, nothing’s really free. There’s always a cost of some kind.”

“That is rather cynical.”

“But true.” Jim shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans. “I’m guessing you’ve never been to a carnival.”

“I have not. I researched them when you expressed a desire to attend the school carnival though. Apparently they are somewhat notorious throughout history.”

Jim laughed. “Oh yeah, you could say that. Some of them are downright scary. But don’t worry, Spock, I’ll protect you.”

“I was not worried but I am glad to hear you will protect me nevertheless.”

They’d reached the school, and besides themselves, Spock noted several other students heading for the carnival area as well as adults and younger children. The carnival had been advertised as family friendly.

Spock recalled that his friend, Christine, planned to be working one of the booths at the carnival and she had told him to stop by when she found out he was attending with Jim.

There were a group of boys around Jim’s age leaning against a building as they approached the carnival entrance. One of them stepped forward as Spock and Jim tried to pass.

“Well, well, well. I should have known the two weird outcasts would hang around together.”

Jim stiffened beside Spock, his jaw tightening.

“Haven’t you heard, Roger?” Another boy said from beside the first boy. “They’re a couple of sissies.”

“Shut up,” Jim snarled.

“Jim,” Spock said quietly. “Ignore them.”

“You a sissy, Kirk?” the first boy, Roger, apparently, spoke up. “You and this ugly half-breed alien thing.”

“Fuck you.” Jim went for the guy. “I’m gonna bash your face in.”

Jim had attacked the boy before Spock could stop him, his fist slamming into the boy’s mouth. Jim pulled his arm back to throw another punch but as Spock went to interfere, suddenly another older boy grabbed Jim’s arm and pulled him away.

“Easy, easy, Jim. These jerks aren’t worth it.”

“He knocked my tooth loose,” Roger complained, holding his bloody mouth.

“Guess you’ll know next time not to pick on my brother, huh, Waterly?” The kid turned to Spock. “You’re Spock? I’m Sam, Jim’s brother. Why don’t you and Jim go on into the carnival? I’ve got this.”

“I haven’t finished with him,” Jim protested.

“Yeah, you have,” Sam said. “He’s not worth it. Besides, he’s not going to bother you again. Trust me.”

Jim bit his lip but followed Spock over to the carnival entrance and walked in through the gate. Jim didn’t say anything.

“Are you all right?” Spock asked after a while.

“Yeah. Sorry about that.”

“You owe me no apology. I am displeased he was able to upset you.”

“I’m used to it. I just don’t want them saying shit about you.”

“You should not be used to it.” Spock stopped Jim and pulled him to the side to avoid the people coming into the carnival. “Jim, I do not care what they say about me. They are meaningless. I have been insulted before and I will likely be insulted again.”

“Spock—”

“What I do care about is if they have hurt you. Either with their words or physically. Your attacking that boy made me anxious because I did not wish for him to harm you.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you feel anxious. It’s just, ever since I came back from-from this other place—those guys act like that, like I’m some kind of freak, and half the time I don’t even know why, because I swear I act like everyone else, and the thought of them treating you like that…it’s just…I hate it.”

“Do you want to return home?” Spock asked gently.

“No. Do you?”

“Negative. I wish to experience the Halloween carnival with you.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah? Okay. Let’s go then.”

They continued on into the carnival where Jim instantly brightened. Spock was glad. He had not liked that Jim’s mood had been dampened by those that had accosted them.

Jim took Spock’s arm and dragged him over to a game booth. “Let’s try this one.”

Spock eyed it dubiously. “Jim, the statistical likelihood—”

“Don’t feed me statistics on our first date.”

Spock arched a brow. “Is that what this is?”

“Isn’t it?” Jim’s smile was downright mischievous and very nearly contagious. Even for a Vulcan.

“It is,” Spock agreed. “However, I believe this counts as our second date.”

Jim nodded. “You may be right about that.” Jim reached into his pockets and pulled out credits, which he handed to the pimple faced youth eyeing them from the other side of the booth. The youth handed Jim plastic rings, which apparently he was supposed to get around the tops of the bottles.

Spock watched, hands clasped behind his back, while Jim tossed the rings. He came close on one of them, but even that ultimately failed.

Jim laughed. “Well, that was crap.”

“May I try?” Spock asked.

“Sure.” He handed the youth more credits and Spock was given rings.

Spock tilted his head this way and that.

“Hey, Vulcan, just throw the rings. Don’t try to figure it out,” the kid working the booth grumbled.

Jim snorted beside him.

Spock threw the rings. They all landed around the appropriate bottle.

“Jesus, you’re better at everything, aren’t you?” Jim asked, grinning. “Okay, Tommy, what do we win?”

The youth, apparently named, Tommy, pointed to the stuffed animals hanging from the top of the booth. “Any of one of the big ones, two of the middle sized, and three of the small ones.”

“Well? What do you want to choose, Spock?” Jim asked.

“What is your preference, Jim?”

“How about two of the middle ones? Then we can give them to our moms.”

Spock nodded. “That sounds like a plan.”

They ended up choosing two octopuses, one in pink with purple spots and one in purple with pink spots.

They moved on to other games, which Jim always tried and failed at. Spock tried another one and won that one, picking a large stuffed dog Jim informed him was a basset hound. He gifted this to Jim.

“Are you hungry at all?” Jim asked as they walked out of the gaming area.

“Not particularly. I doubt there are many vegetarian options here anyway.”

“Er. Yeah. Probably not.” Jim pointed to a station that advertised Corn Dogs. “I am _so_ getting one of those.”

After Jim obtained a hot dog on a stick covered in some strange corn batter, he just sort of wandered around the carnival with Spock following wherever he went.

“May we stop by the kissing booth, Jim?” Spock asked after a while.

Jim stopped and looked at Spock. “The what?”

“The kissing booth. I believe that is its designation.”

“You want to kiss somebody there?”

“Negative. My friend, Christine, is manning the booth. She said to stop by.”

“Oh.” Jim nodded. He licked his lips. “Just don’t get any ideas about kissing her or anything.”

Spock arched a brow. “Why would I kiss her? She is a friend.”

“Well. But I’m your friend, too, right? And we’ve done it.”

“I believe you are a different sort of friend.”

That earned him one of Jim’s dazzling smiles. “Yes, I suppose I am. All right. Let’s check it out.”

Christine smiled upon seeing them and turned to another girl who sat in the booth next to her. “I’m going to take a short break, okay?”

“Sure,” the other girl said.

Christine left the booth and came to where they were. “So, Spock, this must be your new boyfriend.”

Spock felt his face heat. “I did not say—”

She thrust out her hand at Jim. “Christine Chapel.”

“Jim Kirk.”

“You’re just as cute as Spock said, too.”

“I did not say—”

She threw Spock a look. “Don’t be so shy, Spock. I’m thrilled you have a boyfriend.”

Jim laughed. Spock really liked his laugh. “I can see Spock has his hands full with you for a friend.”

Christine dimpled. “He does, indeed. I hardly get to hang out with him these days and when I do it’s all Jim this and Jim that.” She glanced at Spock. “And I’m making him blush. It’s very difficult to make a Vulcan blush.”

“Not for you, apparently.” Jim laughed again.

“Have you two gone to the haunted house yet? It’s the auditorium, of course. Turned into something scary.”

“I’ll bet it’s lame,” Jim said.

“Probably. Lots of kids in makeup jumping out at you pretending to be zombies and ghosts and things.”

“We should probably check it out before we’re done,” Jim replied, looking at Spock. “What do you think?”

“I think it is a dubious use of our time, however, since the point of the carnival is for Halloween, I suppose it would be prudent to do so.”

Christine rolled her eyes. “The longest way possible to say yes.” She thrust a bag of candy into Jim’s hands. “It is Halloween after all. But don’t give any of the chocolate to Spock. Vulcans don’t do well with it.”

“We do not,” Spock agreed.

Jim frowned. “You allergic?”

“Not precisely but close,” Spock said.

“Okay, gotta get back to the booth. Spock, see you at school. Nice to meet you, Jim.” Christine hurried back to the kissing booth.

“We don’t have to go to the haunted house.” Jim searched his gaze. “It’s cool either way.”

Spock lifted his hand to Jim’s face, briefly cupping his jaw. “I am amenable.”

“Okay, good.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and dragged him toward the haunted house.

****

“You were correct, Jim,” Spock announced as they stepped out from the haunted house.

“Correct?”

“That was indeed lame.”

Jim laughed, which was, for Spock, the desired effect. If Spock had his way, Jim would be laughing constantly. It was much preferable to the sadness he sometimes saw lingering in Jim’s blue eyes.

“All right. Well that’s everything, I guess. Let’s head home.”

Spock was pleased to see there were no groups of boys waiting to accost them on the way out of the carnival, and soon they were headed to Spock’s house.

“I should walk you home.”

Jim shook his head. “Nah. I’m fine. I’ll send you a message when I get there. All right?”

Spock hesitated but nodded. “Very well.”

They reached his house all too soon. Spock didn’t really want to say goodbye. Foolish perhaps. But the more time he spent with Jim, the more he wanted to spend time with Jim.

Jim glanced around like he was looking for something, then he stepped close to Spock, grabbed the collar of Spock’s coat and kissed him.

Spock softened his lips under Jim’s and moved his hand up to the back of Jim’s neck. He deepened the kiss, tilting his head and opening his mouth when Jim’s tongue prodded at his lips. He really enjoyed human kissing. With Jim, anyway.

Jim pulled away with a sigh. He was breathing a little hard and his lips were moist and plump. “I had a really good time.”

“As did I.”

Jim wiggled the stuff animals he carried. “Thanks for these.”

“You are quite welcome.”

“Okay. Well. I’ll message you.”

Spock nodded. “I will be waiting to hear of your safe arrival.”

“Goodnight, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Jim.”

****

Jim was flying high when he reached the farmhouse. He’d had the best night. Spock was so great and Jim was more than a little in love.

But then he saw Sam standing outside, hands shoved into the pockets of a jacket. As he approached his brother he saw that Sam’s eyes were red and there were tear tracks on his face. Jim’s heart plummeted.

“Did-did she hit you?” he whispered.

“No. Just-just her usual bullshit.” Sam shook his head. “Don’t go in there until I make sure she’s passed out.”

“I’m sorry. I should have been home.”

“No. I can handle her. I’m glad you went. Did you have a good time?”

“Yeah. Thanks for those guys earlier. I don’t know why they get to me.”

Sam’s smile was watery. “Yeah, you do. But they won’t bother you again.”

“Sam—”

“Stay out here, okay? Until I check.” Sam went up the steps of the porch and into the house. He opened the door again just a minute later. “All right. She’s out. It’s safe.”

Jim went into the house with the stuffed animals, which he set on the kitchen table. His mom was knocked out on the couch. He could smell the strong smell of whiskey.

“Why does she do this?” he asked Sam.

“I don’t know, kid. I guess it fills an emptiness or something. Help me get her to bed.”

They picked up their mom, who groaned, but didn’t wake up, and carried her up the stairs to her bed. They put her on her side so she wouldn’t choke if she started throwing up.

“All right,” Sam said. “I’ll put some water and aspirin by her bed. She’ll need it in the morning. You can go to bed, Jimmy.”

Jim went back down the stairs and picked up the pink octopus with the purple spots and went back to his mother’s room, setting it on the table next to where Sam was putting the water and aspirin.

“You actually won that?” Sam asked.

“No. Spock did.”

“You really like him, huh?”

“Yeah.”

"I thought you told me you weren't gay."

Jim felt himself flush. "I'm not. I just Like him. Okay?"

Sam ruffled his hair. “It’ll be all right. I’m gonna throw out her booze. You go to bed.”

“She’ll just get more,” Jim said as he shuffled off to his room. “She always does.”

Once in his room, he took out his PADD.

_Hey, Spock. I’m home. Sorry it took a while. Had some stuff to do first. But I’m here and okay. <3_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, folks, next update will be sometime in November!


	4. You Are My Star, Glowing, Bright, An Endless Charm Growing Stronger Day... by Day...

Spock figured out early in his friendship with Jim—and though he knew they were more than mere friends, he would not actually presume to refer to himself as Jim’s boyfriend—that the younger teen had secrets. Potentially dark secrets.

There were times when Jim would, as Terrans said, clam up. He never did so with any malicious intent, but Spock recognized when there was something Jim simply did not want to discuss. Spock respected that, because he had to, but it did not mean he didn’t find it bothersome.

Ever since the Halloween Carnival, Spock and Jim had lunch together at school every day. They never ate in the school’s cafeteria, but rather on circular benches surrounding a tree. No one else ever asked to sit with them. Spock had assumed it was because of him, but he knew from the vague comments Jim made that Jim believed it was because of him.

It did not matter to Spock. He preferred Jim’s company to anyone else’s. Even Christine. Christine had a different lunch period than Spock and Jim had or she would have been welcomed.

On this day, Jim was eating what he referred to as a PBJ sandwich. Spock had been informed it was peanut butter and jelly. Jim’s lunch also included an orange, a small bag of pretzels and a cheese stick. He’d advised that his mother had packed it for him, though he had told her dozens of times he was too old for her to pack his lunch.

Spock had brought leftover lentil soup that his mother had prepared for dinner the night before as well as some Kreyla. He’d brought extra Kreyla as Jim had expressed a fondness for it.

“So, um, Friday.” Jim had just picked up a piece of the Kreyla and taken a bite.

“Yes, Jim?”

“Well. We have that half day.”

“I am aware.”

Their school was closing at noon Friday for teacher meetings. A notice had been given to all students to provide to their parents.

“Would you want to come to the farmhouse and hang out with me?”

Jim was really pink as he asked and Spock realized Jim was blushing. It surprised Spock how genuinely shy Jim was for Jim was just about the cutest boy Spock had ever seen. He was really very appealing.

“Yes,” Spock replied. “I will need to be sure my mother does not expect me to assist her with anything at home, but if she does not, spending the afternoon with you would be most agreeable.”

Jim chuckled then. “That was a really long way of saying, sure, but I gotta ask first.”

Spock’s lips twitched a little for he knew Jim enjoyed teasing him.

“Maybe you could stay for dinner. I’ll make sure we have something vegetarian.”

“I would like to meet your mother and your brother more formally.”

Jim looked down at his sandwich. “They’re nothing special.”

“Nevertheless since they are your family, I wish to meet them.”

“Well, cool. I hope your mom says yes.”

“I am sure that she will.”

****

Of course Mother had said yes, and so, on Friday, after they were released from school early, Spock walked with Jim to the farmhouse.

“Mom’s still at work and won’t be home for hours,” Jim announced when the farmhouse was in sight. “And Sam’s hanging out with his girlfriend, Aurelan, in the house, so I thought I’d show you the barn. “

“Very well.”

When they got inside the barn, which as far as Spock could tell, was just an ordinary barn, Jim fidgeted nervously. He rubbed the back of his neck.

“Want to see the loft?” Jim asked, turning red.

Spock nodded, thinking to put Jim at ease. “Certainly.”

Jim led him to a wooden ladder that went up to a loft above a section of the barn that looked like it once housed horses. It was empty of any animals at present.

When Spock climbed into the loft—which he noticed was bare except for a rather thick set of blankets laid out—he wondered what the purpose of such a place was.

“What is this used for, Jim?”

“Well, I think originally it was for storing stuff. But it hasn’t been used for that since Mom got rid of the animals. When I was little, I climbed from here, up to there.” Jim pointed high up to the rafters.

“That must have been a dangerous stunt. Why did you do so?”

Jim sighed softly. “I liked to climb. I was doing it a lot then. And I’d climbed up there lots of times. But—”

Spock watched as Jim sat on the blanket, pulling his legs up close to his body, closing in on himself. Spock dropped to his knees next to Him.

“But?”

“One day I fell. I lost my footing and I fell, right in front of my grandmother. I ended up in the hospital. I recovered. But she didn’t.”

Spock touched his hand to Jim’s. “I am sorry, Jim.”

Jim bit his lip and nodded. “I came here all the time to get away from the fighting and the tension. Mom didn’t do well with Dad dying and then when she married Frank. All that’s over with, now. But then…I’m not gonna lie. It was shitty.”

“I wish that I could change all that for you,” Spock admitted. It was illogical. The past was the past. He had not known Jim then. But he still greatly disliked the idea that Jim had been hurt.

“Yeah.” Jim slid his fingers in between Spock’s. “Anyway, I guess I wanted to show you this.”

“It is a place of solace for you.”

“Uh-huh.”

Spock nodded. He leaned in close to Jim, touching his forehead to the other teen’s forehead. “I would be your solace.”

Jim’s breath hitched and he grasped Spock’s jaw, twisting their faces so he could reach Spock’s mouth with his.  Jim pulled Spock with him until Jim was lying flat on the blankets and Spock lay above him, their lips fused, kissing softly, passionately, not even drawing breath.

With his other hand, Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s in a Vulcan kiss. It was so powerful, so potent, Spock shook.

When he had no choice but to let Jim breathe, Spock whispered, “Ashayam.”

“What is that?”

“It is you,” Spock told him.

Jim smiled, his blue eyes glowing and Spock felt warm everywhere. “Spock, I-I really like you.”

“I really like you as well.”

“I mean really.”

Spock pressed his lips to Jim’s. “As do I.”

Jim’s smile widened. “Yeah?”

“Yes.”

“Maybe even, you know, love you.” Jim’s eyelids lowered then, covering his blue eyes. His cheeks were tinged pink.

Spock’s heart rate increased. And he closed his eyes. “I am glad for I feel the same.”

Jim sighed and hugged Spock close. “Are you cold?”

“A little,” Spock admitted.

“We can go inside and make some tea,” Jim said, kissing the corner of Spock’s mouth.

“That would be agreeable.”

Jim kissed Spock again. “When I feel like moving.”

“Indeed,” Spock murmured. When Jim held him close, he did not feel cold at all.     


	5. Growing Stronger...Day by Day

Jim realized immediately as he entered the house that his mother wasn’t back from work yet.

Sam and Aurelan were lying on the couch kissing like they were really close to having sex. Which Jim so didn’t want to see. And he definitely didn’t want Spock to see.

He cleared his throat loudly. “Um, you aren’t alone. And anyway, Mom is going to be here any minute.”

Aurelan pulled away from Sam. “Oh, shit. He’s right, Sammy.”

Sam sighed heavily and to Jim’s relief got off his girlfriend. Still fully clothed, thankfully.

“Did you two horndogs forget I had Spock coming over?”

Sam glanced over at Jim and Spock, who was, of course, standing beside Jim without saying a word. He didn’t appear to be especially shocked or offended, but it was hard to tell with Vulcans.

“I, ah, lost track of time. Sorry, kid. And hi, Spock.”

“Good evening,” Spock said.

Aurelan was blushing as she and Sam came into the kitchen where Jim and Spock stood. “Sorry, Jimmy. Didn’t mean to embarrass you in front of your friend. I’m Aurelan.”

“It is pleasing to meet you, Aurelan. I am Spock.”

Aurelan smiled and turned to Jim. “Oh.” She reached over to Jim’s head. “Jimmy, you have hay in your hair.” She pulled it out and her smile widened.

Now it was Jim’s turn to blush.

Sam laughed. “Well, anyway. I think I hear Mom.”

Sure enough, the back door opened and in walked their mother. She was still wearing the smock of the restaurant she waitressed at in town. She often remarked how she was wasting her life in Riverside, working at jobs she felt beneath her, but she’d done so to be with her kids. She never stopped reminding them of that either.

Jim held his breath as she approached them. Spock flicked a glance at him and Jim was aware he had tensed up but he couldn’t relax. Not yet. He dug his fingernails into the palms of his hands. She’d been at work, sure, but there was always the chance—

Mom was smiling. Jim dared a sniff. He couldn’t smell any alcohol.

“Hello. I’m Jim’s mother. You must be Spock.”

“Yes, Mrs. Kirk. Thank you for having me for dinner,” Spock said politely.

“Oh, you’re right, Jim. He is cute.”

“Mom.” But Jim laughed.

Mom turned to Aurelan. “I didn’t know you were coming, Aurie.”

“Just for the afternoon,” Aurelan said. “I was about to go home. My mom probably has supper just about ready.”

“Sam, why don’t you walk Aurie home? But come right back,” Mom told him.

“Okay.”

When Sam and Aurelan left, Mom turned to Jim and Spock. She was still smiling but there was something a little off about it. Jim couldn’t tell what it was.

“I’m going to go up and change. Why don’t you get things started for spaghetti, Jim? Don’t worry, Spock, it’s vegetarian.”

“Okay, Mom.”

When his mom went up the stairs, Jim took out a pot from one of the cabinets and filled it with water to boil the spaghetti.

“You do not have a replicator?” Spock asked.

“Nope. Mom hates them. Says they remind her of space.” Jim looked away from Spock’s assessing stare. “And space reminds of her of Dad.”

“Are you all right?” Spock asked softly.

Jim smiled. “Sure.”

“I sense tension in you.”

“Well, uh—”

There was a loud thump from upstairs. Jim frowned.

“I’d better go check on her. Be right back.”

He practically ran up the stairs.

“Mom?”

Her bedroom door was open so he went in. He found her lying on the ground, holding a bottle of vodka. She was staring up at the ceiling. He crouched down beside her.

“Mom?”

She looked at him. “Hi.”

His stomach clenched. “You _are_ drunk.”

“I’m not drunk, Jimmy,” she insisted. “I just had a couple of drinks.”

“You knew Spock was coming.”

“It’s all about you, isn’t it?” Mom snorted. “I had a bad day at the restaurant, okay? This asshole grabbed my ass and then didn’t even leave me a tip. I shouldn’t even have to work there. If it wasn’t for you boys—”

“You’d have a real job, the life you want, and no obligations. Yeah, I know.”

Her face twisted into an ugly snarl and she slapped him hard across the face. “You think you can talk to me with that smart mouth?”

Jim touched his cheek, feeling the stinging pain of her slap. His eyes welled. “I hate you.”

“You little shit.”

Jim backed up. “Don’t hit me again.”

Her face crumbled. “Jimmy—”

“I had enough of that from your husband.” Jim felt his bottom lip trembling. He hiccupped.

She sat up and hugged him. “I’m sorry, baby. I’m sorry.”

Jim closed his eyes, the tears he hated squeezing out and rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m sorry I drank. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry. I knew your friend was coming. I’m sorry.”

She just kept babbling and Jim let her. He held himself stiff in her arms but he didn’t pull away.

She pulled back enough to look at his face. “Don’t hate me.”

He shook his head. “I don’t. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“You-you want to order pizza or something? Does Spock eat that?”

“I’m not sure. I could ask.”

“They told me today I have to work Thanksgiving. I’m sorry.”

“It’s all right. Never meant that much to me anyway,” Jim said softly.

“Sam can probably go to Aurelan’s house, maybe you could go too?”

“No. No, that’s all right.”

“What about Spock? Maybe you could go to his family’s?” Mom asked, hopefully.

Jim shrugged. “Not sure they even do Thanksgiving. They aren’t from here.”

“Could you ask? I don’t want you to be alone.”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Help me up.”

Jim stood and then reached down to help his mother up. She was heavy and unsteady but he got her up and over to sit on the bed.

“I’m not feeling well. Think I’ll just go to bed. There’s credit chips for the pizza in the jar in the kitchen. Or you can make the spaghetti. The sauce is in the fridge. Just needs to be heated up.”

“All right.”

“I’m sorry, Jimmy.”

“I know, Mom.”

 _You always are_.

****

As soon as Jim made it back downstairs, Spock came to him.

Spock’s hand went to Jim’s cheek. His dark eyes were sad as he stared into Jim’s. “She struck you?”

“Yes.”

“You did not tell me your mother was abusive.”

“She’s not. Not really. She drinks. A lot. But she doesn’t usually hit us.” Jim’s gaze lowered to Spock’s shoulder. “She did tonight though.”

Spock wrapped his arms around Jim and pulled him close. “Does it pain you?”

“It did. Not anymore though.”

Spock’s lips grazed over Jim’s forehead. “I do not know what to do for you.”

“You’re doing pretty good,” Jim told him.

“I dislike immensely that she hit you.”

“Yeah, I know. So do I.” Jim touched Spock’s jaw with his fingertips. “Listen, she has to work on Thanksgiving. And I—I was wondering. I mean. I know you probably don’t—”

“You are most welcome at our home.”

“Yeah? Are you sure? Your parents won’t mind?”

“We do not do what you would consider a traditional Thanksgiving meal for obvious reasons, but I do believe that my mother is planning something. She would be pleased to have you with us.”

“Don’t you have to ask first?” Jim wondered, smiling a little

“Negative. I know my mother. And I extend the invitation.”

Jim sighed a little with relief. “Okay. Okay. That’s good. Thank you.”

The back door opened and Sam walked into the house. Jim didn’t move out of Spock’s arms.

Sam stared at Jim. His jaw clenched as did his fists. “That bitch!” He started for the stairs.

Jim pulled away from Spock and grabbed his brother’s arm. “Sam, no! She’s drunk.”

“I fucking know it.”

“Sam. No.”

Sam shook his head. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m okay.” Jim turned to Spock. “Can you eat pizza?”

“Provided there is no meat, yes.”

Sam’s gaze was still toward the ceiling, his fists clenched. But he turned away and went to the jar in the kitchen. “I’ll call for it.”

Jim smiled at Spock, who reached for Jim’s hand, and closed his hand over Jim’s.


	6. Just Take My Hand

“How was your dinner over at Jim’s?” Mother asked as soon as Spock stepped inside the house.

“I was pleased to be with Jim.” Spock hung up his coat.

“But?”

“Jim’s home life is…unpleasant.”

Mother frowned. “What do you mean, Spock?”

“His mother drinks. While I was there, she struck Jim on his face hard enough to leave a red mark. He was upset. He tried not to make a big deal out of it, but his eyes were wet.”

“Oh, Spock.” Mother bit her lip. “That’s-that’s just terrible.”

“He says she does not usually hit him, but I am uncertain,” Spock admitted. “His brother takes care of him more than his mother. She is working on Thursday so I invited him here. Is that all right?”

“Of course it is.” Mother sighed. “I’m so sorry, Spock. I know this is hard for you. Knowing someone you care about is not safe. I’ll talk to your father. I don’t know what we can do, but perhaps there’s something. And in the meantime, of course Jim can come here.”

“I will advise him. Thank you, Mother.”

She smiled. “Jim means a lot to you, does he not?”

Spock nodded. “Yes. Goodnight, Mother.”

“Goodnight, Spock.”

Spock went to his bedroom and sent Jim a message.

_I am thinking of you. If you need me, please let me know and I will come._

_I checked with Mother and as I suspected she is pleased to have you with us._

_Yours, Spock_

****

“Welcome, Jim. Is it cold out?” Mother embraced Jim as he entered their home. Jim’s cheeks were red.

“Yes, Ma’am.”

“You should have been wearing a scarf!” Mother shook her head. “I’ll be right back.”

Jim looked to Spock who arched a brow.

Mother returned with a brick red scarf she had knitted herself. “Here, this is for you. When you return home, we’ll wrap it around you nice and snug.”

“Oh, thank you. But I’d probably forget to return it.”

“You don’t need to return it, Jim. It’s a gift. It’s yours to keep.”

Jim licked his lips nervously. “I shouldn’t—”

“Yes, you should.” Mother smiled. “Let’s take your coat and we’ll just hang it here with your scarf. Want to hear what we’re having?”

“Sure.”

“We’re vegetarians, of course, so there’s no turkey. I was actually one even before I met Spock’s father. So that was convenient.” She laughed. “We’re having Quinoa–stuffed Acorn squash rings, whipped sweet potatoes, rosemary roasted carrots, mashed potatoes with wild mushroom gravy, French bread stuffing with caramelized onions, cranberry sauce, and pumpkin bread pudding for dessert.”

Jim grinned. “It sounds and smells fantastic.”

“I am sure it will be delicious. Sarek’s been helping me cook all day. Now, why don’t you and Spock go to his room and hang out? It’s going to be a while.”

“You do not wish for my help, Mother?”

“No, your father and I have this. Go on.”

Spock closed the door of his room as soon as they were alone and pulled Jim close. He had not seen Jim in person since the night at Jim’s house. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

Spock put his palm to Jim’s cheek. “You are certain, ashayam?”

“Yes.” Jim’s gaze searched his. “I’ve missed you.” He closed his eyes and kissed Spock.

Who was unable to resist the allure of Jim’s sweet kisses.

Spock drew them to the bed where they both fell to the mattress, their lips locking over and over. They were kissing a little like they were starved for it, but Spock did not mind. He was a bit.

Jim pulled away for air. “God, I just, I just—”

“Indeed,” Spock murmured, bringing their lips together once more.

His fingers went to the crown of Jim’s head and then smooth down to his face. He got a scattered thought from Jim that gave him pause.

“What is Tarsus?” Spock whispered, his thumb brushing Jim’s swollen lips.

“Tarsus? How did you know about that?”

Spock shook his head. “I got the stray thought from our touching.”

Jim closed his eyes and kissed Spock again. “You-you can do a meld, right? Then you can find out without me having to say?”

“Is that what you want, ashal-veh?”

Jim nodded.

Spock put his fingers to Jim’s psi-points.  “I have never done one with anyone who was not a family member.”

“Does it hurt?”

“It should not. If it does, I will stop at once.”

“Do it,” Jim urged.

Spock whispered, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”

Images of Jim’s life flashed into Spock’s mind. Abuse at the hands of his stepfather. Driving his stepfather’s car off a cliff, being sent to Tarsus which ended up a wasteland, unspeakable things at the hands of one named Governor Kodos. His loneliness as he tried to reconnect with his brother and mother. Dealing with his mother’s drinking. His love for Spock.

And then…

Jim appeared in Spock’s mind, in a meadow with little pink and purple flowers. Jim stood by a waterfall, holding his hand out to Spock. He wore a dazzling smile.

Spock walked toward him. His hand closed over Jim’s and a white light flashed.

Jim gasped as Spock’s hand lowered from his face. “Spock?”

“Are you well? Did I hurt you?”

“No. I feel good. That was…that was kind of cool.” Jim smiled. “Did you like it?”

“I am distressed knowing what you have been through.”

“I’m okay.”

“For which I am gratified,” Spock said, kissing his forehead. “Jim?”

“Hmm?”

“You are…t’hy’la.”

“I’m what?”

“My t’hy’la. It is complicated. But it is similar to a soulmate.”

Jim smiled. “Yeah? Me?”

Spock nodded, his heart beating fast in his side. He knew that Jim was important to him. He had never imagined it would be this. That Jim would be his. His mate.

“Boys? Time to get ready to eat,” Mother called from the kitchen.

“We’d better go.” Jim kissed Spock once more and they rose from the bed. When Spock opened the door of his rooms, the scents of Mother’s dinner assailed them with goodness.

“Wow. I’m starved.” Jim hurried down the hall and Spock followed after.

He knew what he was thankful for. No matter that he had never celebrated such an occasion prior.   

 


	7. Forever... I'll Hold You

Jim went outside on the porch to contact his mother after dinner. Amanda had insisted he bundle up to do so, wrapping the scarf she had given him around his neck. It went well with the coat he had never returned to Spock. It was just that the coat smelled like Spock. And Spock didn’t seem to mind.

“How was your day?” Jim asked his mother through his communicator.

“Not so bad. I got a lot of tips. And Alan let us eat for free. You know turkey and stuff.”

“Was it good?”

“Yeah it was and the best part is I didn’t have to cook it.” Mom laughed. She sounded okay. “How was yours?”

“It was really good, but I missed the turkey.”

“I brought you some home from the restaurant.”

Jim couldn’t help but smile at that. “Yeah? Thank you. That was really sweet.”

“I’m sorry we couldn’t have a real Thanksgiving.” She yawned. “I’m exhausted.”

“Do you think I could stay over tonight?”

“What do Spock’s folks say?”

“To ask you.”

“Well, it would mean you wouldn’t have to walk back in the dark. Okay, but I want you home by ten tomorrow morning.”

“No problem. Thanks, Mom.”

“Okay, sweetie.  See you tomorrow.”

“Night, Mom.”

Jim closed his communicator and looked out at the darkness from Spock’s porch. He could see his breath swirling mist around him. He shoved his hands into his pockets.

The door opened behind him.

“Jim?”

“Yeah, Spock.”

Spock walked up behind him and wrapped his arms around Jim’s waist. “Is everything all right?”

“Oh yeah. Mom was okay, actually. And she saved me some turkey from the restaurant.”

Spock kissed Jim’s ear. “That was thoughtful.”

“She said I could stay over.”

“Mother is already setting up a room for you.”

Jim sighed and leaned into Spock. “Guess I can’t just stay with you, huh?”

“I suspect it would be considered scandalous.”

Jim chuckled. “Maybe. But didn’t you say I was your t’hy’la?”

“Yes. I have not yet informed my parents, however.”

Jim turned into Spock’s arms. “What is that, exactly? I mean I know you said soulmate. And I know it’s a Vulcan thing.”

Spock hesitated. “I do not wish to frighten you.”

Jim put his cold fingers on Spock’s face. “You couldn’t.”

“Vulcans have bonds. Mental connections.”

“I know that, yeah.”

“A t’hy’la bond is a rare and treasured bond between fated mates.”

“Fate?”

Spock nodded, his dark eyes serious. “That is why the closest description I was able to compare it to is soulmates, but in reality it is much more.” Spock released a long breath. “Almost no one finds such a bond.”

Jim smiled. “So it’s really something, huh? Are you sure you have this with me?”

“Yes. You felt it yourself when we melded. When I took your hand.”

“Yeah, I did.”

“For Vulcans it is…forever.”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat. “Forever?”

“I know that is a lot for you to take in.”

Jim gazed into Spock’s eyes. “Maybe, yeah. But if it has to be forever, I think I like that it’s you.”

Spock kissed him softly, their cold breaths mingling.

Jim felt him shiver. “Are you cold, sweetheart?”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”

“We should probably go back inside then.”

“In a moment,” Spock murmured, pulling Jim close as he kissed him again, his tongue slipping inside Jim’s mouth, who sighed into the kiss.  


	8. We'll Take the Train to Neverland

Spock walked quickly, his pace almost a run. Perhaps it was, by the time he made it to the barn. His heart was racing.

“Jim? Jim, are you in here?”

There was a thud from above and then a hoarsely whispered, “Up here.”

Spock should have realized Jim would be in the loft above the barn. He went to the ladder and climbed up.

Jim lay on his back staring at the ceiling.

Spock dropped to his knees and crawled over to Jim. Jim’s eyes were bloodshot as though he had been crying. His lip was split, caked blood dried on the cut. There was a bruise developing on Jim’s right cheek and also one on his chin.

“What happened?”

“They were saying shitty things about you, Spock. I couldn’t let them say that crap.”

“You got in a fight over me?”

“They can say what they want about me. I’m used to that. But I can’t let them say shit about you. Bastards.”

Spock closed his eyes and laid down next to Jim. He drew the younger boy into his arms. “Jim. T’hy’la. That you got hurt over things said about me distresses me. I never want you to defend me like that.”

“Spock—”

“Their words have no meaning. They can say whatever they please and it is no reflection of who we are.”

“That’s not true. I know their words bother you. They did before.”

“It is true for a while I allowed cruel words to affect me. Both here and on Vulcan. But no words they can say hurt me nearly as much as seeing you harmed.” He touched Jim’s face by his lip. “Does it hurt?”

“A little,” Jim admitted. “Yeah.”

“I am sorry.” Spock kissed the corner of Jim’s mouth with aching gentleness. “Promise me you will not fight with them again.”

“Spock—”

“Please, Jim. No one is more important than you.”

Jim shook his head. “I don’t want to talk about them. Or even think about them. All I want is to be with you.” Jim leaned up, attempting to kiss Spock’s mouth, but then he groaned and pulled away. “Fuck, that hurts.”

“Perhaps we will have to forgo kissing until your lip heals.”

“I don’t want to,” Jim said petulantly.

Spock touched his fingers to Jim’s. “There is still the Vulcan way.”

Jim smiled a little, then grimaced, letting the smile slip away. “It hurts to smile.”

“A pity indeed for I am quite fond of your smiles.” He added pressure to the fingers touching Jim’s. “I am certain you know how aesthetically pleasing you are.”

“I don’t think I am. Okay, my eyes are all right, but the rest?”

“Hush. You are completely illogical.”

“Spock, can we-can we do something?” Jim lowered his gaze, his cheeks turning pink.

He touched his fingertips to the part of Jim’s jaw that was not bruised, urging him to look at Spock. “What is it you want, Jim?”

“Well, I want everything, Spock. I want to feel you inside me. But…I’ll go with whatever you feel comfortable with.”

“You speak of sexual exploration?”

Jim nodded.

Spock glanced around the loft. “Here?”

“Uh-huh. There’s no one around. No one comes in the barn, Spock. Mom’s not home. Neither is Sam. It’s just us. Just you. And me.”

Jim took Spock’s hand and moved it to the crotch of Jim’s pants where Spock could feel Jim’s obvious arousal. Jim’s breath hitched at Spock’s touch. Blue eyes pleaded with him. And Spock found he could not deny Jim. Of anything, really.

Spock undid the snap of Jim’s jeans and then lowered the zipper. He noticed that Jim’s pupils were blown wide as he stared somewhat in awe of Spock.

Spock swallowed hard and slipped his hand into Jim’s underwear. His fingers closed around Jim’s erect penis and he pulled Jim out from the restriction of his clothing.

“I-I have never done this before,” Spock admitted in a whisper.

“I know.”

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked shyly.

“Have you never touched yourself, Spock?”

Spock knew he was blushing as he shook his head.

“Okay.” Jim covered Spock’s hand with his. He could feel Jim’s hand trembling. “You just…like this.” He guided Spock’s hand up and down his penis. Jim sucked in a breath. “You can, you can do this, too.” He ran Spock’s thumb over the tip of his cock. “Oh. My. God.”

“Jim? Are you-does it hurt?”

Jim shook his head rapidly. “No.” Jim rose up a little as he continued to help Spock stroke him. He was panting a little and Spock figured that must mean it felt good. He had to admit the whole thing was quite fascinating.

Jim’s other hand was now holding on to Spock’s shoulder rather desperately as he began to whimper and whine. Spock felt his own penis jump in his trousers in reaction to the sounds Jim was making.

“Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“Can I touch you?”

Spock’s lungs seized. He did not know how to answer. He should be able to control—to control—“I can think of no logical argument against it.”

Jim laughed a little but it was a joyous, loving sound, not a trace of mockery behind it and Spock knew right then he could trust Jim…always.

Jim moved his hand from Spock’s and undid Spock’s trousers. Spock himself moved the flaps of his pants aside so Jim could reach in and pull out Spock’s penis, which was very hard, indeed.

When Jim’s fist closed around Spock’s erection, he could not prevent a gasp of wonder from escaping his lips.

“Jim!”

“Shh,” Jim whispered. “We’ll take care of each other, yes?”

Spock nodded, unable to get any further words out as Jim began to stroke him in earnest. He continued with his own ministrations of Jim’s member, matching Jim’s actions.

They were both gasping and moaning and shaking, holding on to each other as their hands continued their magic. Spock’s cock was leaking lubricant which made Jim’s fingers slide across his erection very smoothly.

“Spock, Spock, I—” Jim gasped into Spock’s shoulder.

“Yes, yes, please,” Spock urged.

Jim cried out and then bit down on Spock's shoulder as his cock pulsed then splurted over Spock’s gliding fingers. It was all Spock needed to find completion himself as Jim continued to milk him until Spock’s own cum shot out over Jim’s hand and onto the wood of the loft underneath them.

“Oh, Spock,” Jim whispered against Spock’s throat. “I really want to kiss you.”

“I know, but your lips—”

Jim kissed him desperately anyway, all the while moaning in pain, until Spock had no choice but to put a stop to it when he tasted Jim’s blood.

“You have reopened the cut.” He gently brushed his thumb across the lip. “I should be going home. Mother will worry.”

“Yeah. I know. I just…thank you.”

“You do not need to express your gratitude, ashal-veh. I am equally thankful.”

They both rose up and righted their clothing. Jim inspecting Spock’s pants to see if he would be able to hide what he’d just done from his mother.

“I think you’re okay. I don’t see any spots or anything.” Jim was attempting to grin but with his split lip he wasn’t very successful.

Spock kissed Jim’s nose and then climbed down the ladder first with Jim following after him.

“Let me know when you get home?”

“I will.”

Spock hurried home as quickly as he could and then when he got inside his house he heard his mother call from the kitchen.

“Spock, is that you?”

“Yes, Mother. I was with Jim. I apologize for being late.”

“It’s all right. Want some tea?”

“I would like to shower first, if that is permitted.”

A slight pause.

Then, “Okay, come out when you’re done.”

Spock went to the bathroom and turned on the shower. When he removed his sweater he saw he had a bite mark on his shoulder from when Jim bit him. He almost smiled.


	9. All I Need is You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I admit this one is SWEET

“Thanks for coming over to decorate Christmas cookies, Spock,” Jim said to Spock as he opened the front door to let him inside the farmhouse. “I know it’s not really your thing.”

“Since I have never involved myself in the task I am uncertain whether it is ‘my thing’.”

Jim smiled. Spock was too cute some times. “Want to give me your coat?”

“You desire another of my coats?”

Jim laughed. “No. I mean to hang up while you’re here.” He took Spock’s coat, hat and scarf and hung them on a rack. Then he thought about what Spock said. “You want your other coat back? I can get it.”

“No, Jim. I want you to keep it.”

“Are you sure?”

“T’hy’la, you may have all my coats if that is what you desire.”

Jim leaned over and kissed him. “I have tea ready for you.”

“Thank you.” Spock glanced over at the Kirk family Christmas tree that was in the living room all decorated and brightly lit. “It smells of pine.”

“That’s because Mom sprayed air freshener a little bit ago. It’s totally fake. Looks pretty good though.”

“It does indeed. As we do not have one I was curious to see yours.”

Jim poured Spock’s tea into an oversized reindeer mug his mother had presented him with two days before. “We haven’t always had one but since Mom came back after Frank was sent packing we have. Mom bought the tree that first year. Usually we get some new decorations every year to add to it.”

At that moment his mom came down the stairs, smiling in Spock’s direction. Jim tried not to tense. “Hello, Spock. It is nice to see you again,” she said.

“It is pleasant to see you as well.”

“Are you two ready for your cookie decorating?”

Jim nodded. “Yes. I have all the colored sugar frosting ready. And the cookies are baked."

“Well, have fun. I’m going to be upstairs wrapping presents so I don’t get in your hair. There’s nothing worse than a parent being all up in your business.” She laughed.

Jim privately agreed but he just smiled.

“Anyway, I just wanted to say hi.” She went to the coffeemaker and poured herself some coffee. She ruffled Jim’s hair as she went by and then up the stairs again.

Jim was aware Spock was watching her with a carefully neutral expression. “Come sit at the table with your tea and I’ll bring over the cookie stuff.”

Spock did as Jim asked and Jim brought over the shaped sugar cookies and all the stuff he had for decorating it, colored frosting, sprinkles, and candies.

“How is your mother, Jim?”

Jim knew what Spock was asking even if he carefully avoided asking it directly. ‘She’s been okay. A couple of days ago she was pretty drunk but Sam threw away all her booze. I don’t know if she’s gotten any more since then.”

“Has she harmed you?”

“No.” He knew immediately he’d said it too fast and too defensively.

Spock’s eyebrow shot up. “Are you telling the truth?”

“Yes, Spock. She hasn’t hit me or anything.”

“But she has said things?”

Jim looked away to the cookies. “Nothing major.”

“I see.” Spock reached for Jim’s hand and threaded his fingers with his. “It pains me to have you hurt. It is not my intention to make you uncomfortable prying.”

“I know,” Jim whispered. “But it’s okay, really.”

Spock hesitated, but nodded. “Very well. I would like to ask you to over to my house for New Year’s Eve if she will allow you.”

“Yeah?”

“Mother intends to make and I quote ‘delicious food’ for the occasion. It is not something my father and I normally adhere to but since we are currently on Terra, my father is being indulgent with Mother.”

Jim grinned. “I’d really like that.”

“Do you think your mother will agree?”

“Yeah, she will. Thank you. I’d love to come.”

Spock’s cheeks were vaguely green as he looked down at a cookie shaped like a snowman. “Perhaps you could plan to spend the night.”

“Perhaps I could.” Jim squeezed Spock’s fingers. He pushed the white frosting toward Spock. “You will want the white frosting for that one.”

****

About an hour later, Sam came home and came to the table to look at their handiwork.

“Let me guess. Jim made the ones that look like they were decorated by a four year old and Spock made the ones that look like works of art.”

“Ha ha,” Jim said, sticking out his tongue. “But think again, genius. Those were done by Spock.”

Spock blushed dark green. “I am not used to decorating cookies.”

“It’s okay, babe, I think they look great.”

Sam chuckled. “Love really is blind.” He studied the cookies. “You really did these, kiddo?”

“I did.”

Sam snatched up a reindeer and took a bite. “Taste pretty decent too. I’m impressed.”

“Gee, thanks.” But Jim smiled.

“Here.” Sam dropped a book into Jim’s lap. “Merry Christmas.”

“It’s not Christmas yet.”

“Close enough. I’m too lazy to wrap it.”

Jim looked down at the hardback, first edition of one of his favorite books. He touched it a little in awe. “How’d you get this?”

“Ordered it. Cost a small fortune too. It’s from both me and Aurelan. We figure you’re pretty much worth it.”

Jim felt his own face flush, but some of it was with pleasure. “Thanks, Sammy. You’re the best. Aurie, too.”

Sam smiled and leaned down to give him a one arm hug. “You’re welcome. Going to bed. Night. Goodnight, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Sam.”

Spock was staring at Jim intently as Sam made his way up the stairs.

“What?” Jim asked quizzically.

“I did not obtain a Christmas present for you.”

“Oh, Spock, I don’t need one.”

“I should have done so.”

“No. I know you don’t celebrate. It’s totally cool. And really, I have you, and that’s about as good as it gets anyway.” Jim smiled and leaned over to kiss Spock and Spock closed his eyes as Jim’s lips touched his.  “This is the best Christmas I think I’ve ever had.”

“Even though I am not very good at decorating Christmas cookies?” Spock murmured.

“Especially since that. It makes you all the more perfect.”

Spock shook his head. “Illogical.”

Jim laughed. “Very much so.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The boys will be back for New Year's


	10. We'll Make a Spark

“Mom? I’m getting ready to go over to Spock’s.” No answer. Jim stood at the foot of the stairs, looking up. He really didn’t want to go up there. “Mom?”

The thing was he’d seen her with a bottle of whiskey earlier when she’d first got home from work. She might even be passed out at this point. Should he check on her?

He clenched his fists, digging his nails into the palms of his hands. 

Jim really didn’t want to do this. Not on today when he was getting to spend New Year’s Eve with Spock and his family. His stomach was already twisted in knots though and he knew very well he couldn’t leave without checking on her. It just wasn’t him.

He set his overnight bag down and headed up the stairs.

“Mom?”

She was sitting in a chair in her room, swigging from the bottle of whiskey. She stared at him with vacant eyes. “What do you want?”

“I’m leaving.”

“Where do you think you’re going?”

“To Spock’s. It’s New Year’s Eve. You said I could.”

Her lip curled. “I don’t know what you see in that half-breed.”

“Mom—”

She waved her hand. “Sure, sure. Go ahead and leave. Leave me alone. You don’t care about me anyway. You or your asshole brother.”

“Sam’s not an asshole,” Jim said instantly.

“Well, of course you’d defend him. He practically wipes your ass for you.”

Jim’s jaw tightened. “If you want me to stay here with you, then I will.”

“I wish I’d never had you, either of you,” she said softly. “Children are supposed to be a comfort, but you two are just reminders.” She sighed. “We should have just died on the Kelvin with your father.”

His jaw was so tight, Jim was surprised it didn’t snap. “Yeah, maybe. Should I stay or what?”

“No, go on. It might as well be his family that has to put up with you.”

Jim was so close to saying something he would regret later, but she was still his mother, his only parent, and he just refused to go there. It would make things worse and he’d never get out of the house and over to Spock’s.

“Happy New Year,” he said instead.

His only response was for her to take another drink of whiskey. He decided that was his cue to leave, so he ran down the stairs. He wanted out of there fast before she changed her mind.

Jim grabbed the overnight bag and the coat he got from Spock and headed out the door. He didn’t even stop to put his coat on until he was far enough from the house that if she chose to come after him, she couldn’t catch him, even running.

Honest to God, if it weren’t for Sam and now Spock, Jim would have left Riverside and never looked back. He hated this town, he hated his mom. He tried not to, he really did. But it was so hard.

By the time he made it to Spock’s house, he had his emotions under control again. He hadn’t broken down but it had been a near thing. Even as he approached the house, he saw Spock waiting for him on the porch. He hadn’t thought he was that late.

“Hi.”

“Hello, Jim.” Spock opened his arms for Jim, as though he had somehow known Jim needed a hug. Physical comfort.

Jim went into his arms and sighed as Spock’s arms came around him, holding him close. He could feel Spock’s heart beating very quickly in his side. “Are you okay?”

“I am reacting to your distress,” Spock told him softly. “Your mother?”

“That’s weird how you know. Isn’t it?”

“You are my t’hy’la, we are connected in ways you do not yet realize.” Spock pulled back enough to look at Jim. “What has she done?”

“She was drunk again. Is. She’s still drunk. She started as soon as she came home from work. I don’t know. Maybe she hates New Year’s.”

Spock shook his head. “There is no logical excuse for her behavior, Jim. I am glad you are here.”

“Me, too.”

Spock took Jim’s hand and touched their fingers together. “Come inside where it warm.”

Jim eagerly followed Spock into the house, where he was immediately struck by the warmth and welcome there. He wished he could live here instead of at the farmhouse but he knew his mother would never allow that. It sucked though.

“Happy New Year, Jim,” Amanda called from the kitchen. “We have tea and cider. Which would you prefer?”

“Cider sound good, ma’am.”

She gave him a warm smile. “Coming right up. Just put your bag in the room next to Spock’s.”

Jim went to do as she said, taking off his coat too,  and then returned to where Spock stood at the edge of the kitchen. Spock handed Jim the cider, it was warmed.

“We’re having all kinds of finger food tonight. And I even got some little pastry wrapped hot dogs for you, Jim,” Amanda told him.

Jim felt himself blush. “You didn’t need to go to any trouble for me.”

“It’s no trouble, honey. Why don’t you and Spock spend some time together? I’ll call you when it’s all ready.”

As soon as they were alone in Spock’s room, Spock drew him close once more.

“What do you need, t’hy’la?”

“Can we just lie together on the bed, until it’s time to eat?”

“That would please me also.”

They lay in the bed together, fully clothed—Jim was certain Spock was mindful of his parents— and above the covers.

“Can you tell me more about being t’hy’la?”

“If you will allow me, I will meld with you and show you,” Spock suggested.

Jim nodded, licked his lips.

Spock’s fingers spread over Jim’s face and then he was inside Jim’s mind. They were floating together, like in a stream, side by side. Jim closed his eyes and let Spock take over.

He did not know how long he was sort of out of it, but he came to kissing Spock desperately who returned his kisses with equal furor.

“So, we are bonded?” Jim whispered, his tongue darting into Spock’s mouth. “For real?”

“I do not believe the bond has fully formed but enough so that I can feel your emotions.”

“When we are bonded, will it be the same for me?”

“I do not know. You are psi-null, but I believe there are certain experiences you will have when we are fully bonded. Thoughts and perhaps emotions.”

Jim kissed him again. “It sounds amazing.”

“Indeed.”

“Boys, time for food,” Amanda called from the direction of the kitchen.

****

“Spock?” Jim whispered, tentatively, as he stood just inside the doorway of Spock’s dark room.

A pause. Then a rustle of covers.

“Jim?”

“Can I sleep with you?”

“Jim—”

Jim bit his lip and took a step forward. “Just to sleep. It’s just…it’s cold. And the wind is really loud. I hate the wind. It-it reminds me of—”

“Tarsus,” Spock supplied, remind Jim that Spock had seen his memories.

Jim’s stomach lurched. “Yeah. Please?”

More rustling and then Spock stood and stepped close to Jim, grasping his hand.

“Of course, t’hy’la.”

Spock led him to the bed and Jim got in first, gratefully, then Spock got in next to him. He put his arm around Jim’s waist and drew him close.

“Happy New Year, Spock.”

“Happy New Year, Jim.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I anticipate maybe one chapter on this in January, after that another one around Valentine's Day


	11. I Want to Hold You Till the Fear in Me Subsides

Spock did not appreciate the cold. He had no idea if there was a logical reason to reside in a place like Riverside where January was bitterly cold and as Jim had said to Spock, you could “freeze your nuts off”.  He actually could not wait to return to Vulcan, save for the issue of Jim. He had absolutely no desire to be parted from his t’hy’la now that he had found him. But Jim was a minor with another year of high school left when the school year ended. And Spock was certain that even if he could obtain his parents’ permission to have Jim live with them on Vulcan, Winona Kirk would still be an obstacle.

It was Jim he was on his way to see at that moment, bundled up against the freezing cold and snow flurries. The beanie on his head seemed to do little to protect the tips of his ears.

Spock stomped up the porch stairs of the farmhouse. He knocked. Waited.

He stood waiting on the porch for a good five minutes and nothing. He knocked again, louder.

Five more minutes passed. Determined, Spock turned the door handle and the front door opened.

“Hello? Jim? Sam?”

He heard a muffled voice coming from up the stair, so Spock, making sure there was no sign of anyone downstairs, headed up the stairs and straight to Jim’s room. The door was closed.

“Jim?”

His answer was a rather dramatic sigh.

Spock opened the door and saw that Jim was on his back, lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling. “Jim?”

“Hey.”

Spock stepped toward the bed. “You were not at school today.”

“No.”

Spock sat on the edge of the bed, near Jim. “Are you ill?”

Jim shook his head. “Not exactly, no.”

“Where are your mother and Sam?”

“Well. Sam is probably with Aurelan. He went to school, too. Mom? She was going to Iowa City.”

“Iowa City?”

“She has a friend there she sees every few weeks or whatever. “

Spock placed his hand on Jim’s stomach. “For how long?”

Jim shrugged. “Generally a couple of days.”

“She leaves you alone for that time?” Spock asked.

“We’re not babies, Spock.”

He scooted his hand under Jim’s T-shirt until his fingers were splayed out on bare skin. The contact allowed him to feel Jim’s shame and anxiety.

“T’hy’la, what happened? Why did you skip school?”

For the first time, Jim looked at him. “I just didn’t feel like going. I’ll go tomorrow. She knew I stayed home.”

“Did she harm you?”

“Physically? No. “

Jim scooted over on the bed, turning over onto his side and though he didn’t say anything, Spock recognized it as an invitation.  He lay on his side next to Jim, facing him. He stretched out his hand toward Jim’s and was gratified when Jim’s fingers touched his.

“Will you tell me what happened?” Spock asked quietly.

He watched as Jim visibly swallowed.

“Just drunk off her ass again last night. Screaming and yelling. Telling me how worthless I am. That she shouldn’t have had another kid after Sam.” Jim’s gaze lowered. “She said she didn’t blame Frank for beating the shit out of me and that I deserved it.”

“Jim.”

He shook his head. “This morning she was all apologetic. Like it was nothing. And when I didn’t immediately say it was okay, she got mad at _me_.” Jim closed his eyes. “It’s such bullshit.”

“It is,” Spock agreed.

Jim opened his eyes and stared at Spock. “I should just fucking get out of here and never look back. Never come back to Riverside again.”

His heart thudded in his side. “You would run away?”

“What’s to stop me? You’re here, but you’ll be gone eventually and then what? I hate this place so much.”

“I do not wish you to go,” Spock admitted. “To lose track of you—”

Jim leaned in, closer, touching his lips to Spock’s. His lips were warm and soft and unbelievably alluring. Jim pulled a way but only slightly. “Let’s have sex.”

“Jim—”

“Real sex. Right now, right here.”

Spock felt his cock harden at the nearness of his mate and the way Jim had begun to kiss him again, teasing kisses, light and sensual.

“Your family—”

“Isn’t even here,” Jim said, kissing the corner of Spock’s mouth. “I love you. I want to be with you. Don’t you want to be with me?”

Spock swallowed hard. “Yes.”

“Then why not?” Jim smiled. “Please? I want you so much. I want to be close to you. Feel you. Please?”

Spock knew there was no way he was going to deny Jim anything. The younger boy pretty much had him wrapped around his finger and Spock knew it.

He pushed up onto his elbows, hovering over Jim to kiss him deeply. Jim gasped a little in surprised delight and put his arms around Spock’s neck.

“Yeah?” Jim asked against Spock’s mouth.

“Yes, ashaya,” Spock whispered his agreement.

Jim’s shaking fingers slid under Spock’s sweater. “You're still wearing your coat and hat and boots.”

Spock nodded. “So I am. One moment.”

He stood and first removed his beanie, then his coat. He sat on the edge of the bed to remove his boots and socks. He was aware of Jim watching him intently, which just made Spock all the more anxious and aroused.

Jim licked his lips when Spock stood and turned to face him. “Now your clothes. Take everything off.”

Spock was tempted to raise an eyebrow at his mate’s imperious tone, but since he wanted this as much as Jim did, really, he yanked his sweater off. Then the shirt he wore under it.

Jim smiled. “You have a lot of chest hair.”

“Does it displease you?”

“Not even close.”

Spock’s fingers went to the waistband of his trousers but his fingers stilled. “You know that my penis leaks lubricant.”

Jim nodded rapidly.

“Do you wish additional preparation? And if so, do you have it?”

Jim nodded again and turned to reach into the drawer next to his bed. He reached in and pulled out a small clear bottle of lubricant.

Spock undid his pants and slipped them down his hipbones and then his legs to the floor. He stepped out of them, leaving himself only wearing black boxer briefs. His erection poked at the soft cotton and he couldn’t wait to remove them.

First though.

Spock knelt on the bed and pulled on Jim’s T-shirt until the younger boy sat up to make it easier to pull over his head. Jim’s breathing was heavy, almost panting as he lay back down and reached to undo his jeans.

“God, I can’t wait,” Jim breathed.

“You will have to as I will not hurt you.”

Spock helped to remove Jim’s jeans so that they both wore only their underwear. Spock’s leaking cock had caused a wet spot to appear on the front of his that had grown quite large.

“Turn over onto your stomach,” Spock told Jim.

Even as Jim turned, Spock slipped first Jim’s underwear off and then his own.

As Spock stared at the golden mounds of perfection that were Jim’s cheeks, he whispered, “And you still wish to continue?”

“Uh-huh.”

Jim’s teeth sunk into his bottom lip then he buried his face into the pillow on his bed, raising his buttocks up just a bit.

His breath hitching, Spock took the bottle of lubricant and squeezed a large amount out. He parted Jim’s cheeks, his fingers shaking as they went to his perfect pink hole.

“Oh, God.”

“Jim?”

“Just…please. Continue. I’m going crazy, Spock.”

Spock ran the tip of his index finger around the rim of Jim’s hole, watching in fascination as it quivered at Spock’s touch. His hard cock jumped between his legs in response. He had a feeling they’d better move fast. They were both quite aroused and there would be time for slower exploration another time.

He pushed his finger inside Jim, past the tight ring. Waited as Jim squirmed.

“Jim?”

“Stings a little.”

“Do you wish me to stop?” Spock hoped not but if Jim said yes he would stop immediately and withdraw. He would not hurt him.

“No, no, don’t. ‘M okay.”

Spock pushed his finger further inside, exploring. When Jim made no other protest he added another finger. Jim tensed but did not make any sound.

“You are well?” Spock asked.

Jim nodded.

He scissored his fingers inside Jim for several moments, carefully watching as Jim’s expression went from slightly anxious to more and more aroused. He felt Jim’s desire and need through their contact. And love.

Spock removed his fingers from inside his t’hy’la and then rose above him. Jim turned his neck to be able to look back at Spock.

Their gazes met, connected, as Spock pushed his penis inside of Jim. There was no pain or discomfort in Jim’s eyes as Spock continued pushing in, only love and wonder. And Spock felt…peace. More at peace and more welcomed and cherished then he’d ever felt.

He leaned down to join their hands even as he slid in all the way inside of Jim, thrusting slow and deep.

“Oh, fuck,” Jim moaned, once more burying his face into his pillow, his mouth open and panting against it as Spock rode him.

Everywhere their skin touched Spock felt a thrilling buzz that he was sure had something to do with their bond. When he was able to get Jim to Vulcan they could at last complete their bond in a bonding ceremony. But for now he knew their connection was already unbelievably strong.

Spock released one of Jim’s hands and slid his own hand under Jim’s body to grip Jim’s erection. Jim gave a keening cry at the contact, pushing up into Spock’s hand and his ass rising to allow Spock even deeper penetration.

Spock could not prevent a groan from falling from his own lips. His cock pounded into Jim, his balls pulling so tight he could barely breathe from the intensity.

“Jim, t’hy’la,” he cried out as he pumped fast and deep, releasing his sperm into his mate.

He felt Jim’s own release cover his fingers and they were both lost.

****

Spock woke later, not quite certain how much time had passed. He lay on his back with Jim laying atop him, clinging to him as though for dear life. The house was chilled, the air crisp.

“Jim?” Spock murmured, kissing Jim’s temple. “We should rise.”

“Ungh.”

“Ashaya?” He shook Jim gently.

“Cold in here.”

“Likely you should put on the heat and perhaps start a fire. It was snowing earlier.”

Jim nodded. “Do you have to go home?”

“I probably should soon. Mother will worry.”

“All right.” Jim put his hand on Spock’s face and kissed him. “Love you.”

“I love you, my beautiful t’hy’la.” Spock returned Jim’s kiss.

They kissed for a long time before they finally rose from the bed.

They dressed and Jim followed Spock down the stairs and flicked on the heat. He walked Spock to the backdoor.

“Let me know when you’re home, babe?”

“I will,” Spock promised.  

As he walked home in the snow, cold to his very bones, Spock could not wait for the day he would not have to leave Jim behind.


	12. Bring the Light, Erase the Dark

“What’s that?” Jim asked Sam as he followed his older brother around the store.

“What’s it look like, genius? It’s a heart-shaped box of chocolates.”

It was the biggest box of chocolates Jim had ever seen and it was wrapped in red cellophane. Kind of gaudy in Jim’s opinion.

“Whose it for?”

Sam grinned. “Take a wild guess.”

“Aurie.”

“Yep.” Sam put it in his hand held basket, then reached for another box, this one also heart-shaped but about half the size as the first one. Then he picked up a small square gold box of chocolates and added that to his basket too.

“Who are those for?”

“The heart is for Mom and the gold box is for my snot-nosed brother.”

Jim couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah?”

Sam rolled his eyes. “Who else?”

Jim bit his lip. “You think I should get one for Mom too?”

“You can get her a rose or something. Moms like that.”

Jim puckered his lips. “Our Mom?”

“Sure, but wait until closer to Valentine’s Day or it will be all wilted.” Sam started heading toward the front of the store with Jim following. “What are you getting Spock?”

“Spock?”

“Yeah, Vulcan dude with pointy ears. Gives you all those hickeys.”

“Does not.” Jim blushed, feeling a sudden need to cover himself.

“Yeah, sure,” Sam said with a laugh. “So?”

“Do I have to?”

Sam shrugged. “You guys seem pretty tight. Isn’t he your boyfriend?”

“Yeah. I mean, I think we’re sort of more than that.”

Sam eyed him. “What’s more than that?”

Jim licked his lips and felt himself turn even redder. “I think we’re kind of married. At least as far as Vulcans are concerned.”

“You’re way too young to be married, kid. But whatever. Vulcans are weird, that’s all I have to say about that. But sounds like in any case you two are pretty serious and that makes Spock your sweetheart, doesn’t it? So I would think you should get him something.”

“Well, but he’s Vulcan. I don’t think they celebrate anything.” And hell, Jim had absolutely no idea what to get Spock.

“He’s half human, right?”

Jim sighed. “Yeah.”

“How about chocolates?”

“I don’t think they do well with it. His friend told me that at Halloween.”

“Flowers?”

“I don’t think he’s the flower type. He likes living things, not dead ones.”

“Make him a card or something then.”

Jim frowned. “Oh, sure. You know I can’t draw. It’ll look like I did it with my feet.”

Sam laughed. “You’ll figure something out, kid. Come on. Let’s go pay for this shit.”

****

Jim spent the next couple of days trying to figure out what to give Spock for Valentine’s Day. He thought it was supposed to be sort of a surprise so he didn’t want to ask him what he wanted. And he never seemed to get Spock’s mom alone to ask her.

And then one day while he was freezing his nuts off walking home from school he remembered an older woman who made stuffed animals. She lived on the other side of town, so Jim would have to hurry to make it to her before it got too dark and cold. Snow flurries were expected later that night.

By the time he got to her small house and knocked he was pretty sure he had frostbite.

“Come on, come on,” he pleaded when his knock continued to go unanswered.

Finally he heard a creaky footstep and then the door opened.

“Mrs. Severenson?”

“Yeah?”

“Jim Kirk. You were my teacher in the third grade. Do you remember me?”

“Jimmy Kirk.”

He smiled tentatively. “Yeah.”

“Sure, I remember you. You were a brat.” She snorted. Opened the door wider. “Come in then.”

Jim was relieved to find the inside of her house warm. She even had a fire going in her fireplace. He had no idea how old Mrs. Severenson was. She’d looked old when he was in third grade, but really, she probably hadn’t been.

“Sit down, then. You selling cookies?”

Jim started. “Cookies? No. I’m not selling anything.” He sat down on the couch she indicated.

“Good. I don’t need any cookies.” She sat across from him in a rocking chair. Her gray hair was pinned back, giving her drawn face a sort of pinched look. “You don’t seem the sort to like to reminisce.”

“Oh. No, ma’am. I’m not. I’m here, because, well, do you still make the stuffed animals?” he asked hopefully.

“Taxidermy? No I don’t do that.”

Jim gasped and shook his head rapidly. “No, no, no. Not that. God, not that. I just-when I was a kid you used to make stuffed animals. Like kitties and dogs.”

“You’re still a kid.” She smirked. “I haven’t in a while, but I still can. What do you have in mind, little boy?”

“Valentine’s Day is coming up.”

“Uh-huh. You want me to make a stuffed kitty for your girlfriend?”

“Hell, no. I mean, no, ma’am. I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“But you want one so you want me to make a stuffed dog.”

“No! Mrs. Severenson, I have-I have a boyfriend.”

“Oh.” She nodded. “Not that surprising, really.”

Jim wondered what the hell that was supposed to mean, but he didn’t want to antagonize the crazy old lady, so he kept his trap shut.

“Very well.” She sniffed. “What will it be then? A cat or a dog?”

“Neither. See, he’s Vulcan.”

“A Vulcan in Riverside?”

“Yes, ma’am. Actually two of them. But that’s beside the point.”

“I haven’t seen them.”

Jim prayed for patience. Smiled even. “I was thinking you could make him a…sehlat.”

She stared at him.

“A sehlat is—”

“I know what a sehlat is, young man. I wasn’t born yesterday and I haven’t lost all my marbles.”

Jim shifted. He really wasn’t sure about that last part. “So, do you think you can? Make a sehlat?”

“Of course I can do one. How much you got?”

Jim’s stomach sank. “Um.”

“Um. What is um?”

“Well. I don’t have much. I’m a student and—”

She huffed. “You thought you could just come in here and bat your baby blues and that would be it, huh? Nothing is for free, Jim Kirk. You can work for the sehlat.”

“Work?”

“Yes. Chores. For me. For instance. It’s been a few days since the snow was cleared out front. Start there.”

Jim gaped at her. “Now?”

She raised her brows imperiously. “It’s as good as time as any. Off you go. There’s a shovel out there. Use it.”

“It’s freezing,” Jim protested, recognizing the whine in his own voice but unable to restrain it.

Mrs. Severenson showed him no mercy, but instead waved her hand at him. “Hop to it.”

By the time he got home that night it was dark and he was cold beyond belief and exhausted to the point of near death. Okay, well, that might have been an exaggeration. A slight one. But at least, if he lived through it, he’d have a present to give to Spock for Valentine’s Day.

Jim walked into the house and closed the door behind him, leaning heavily against it.

“Jim, is that you?”

At the sound of his mom’s voice, Jim tensed immediately, his stomach one big giant ball of ice. “Yeah, it‘s me.”

“You must be freezing. Get out of that wet coat and gloves and come have some soup.”

Jim hung up his coat and gloves, wiping the snow off his hair. Should have worn a hat. He cautiously made his way into the kitchen, the scent of chicken soup making his stomach churn this time with hunger.

Mom was smiling. “Were you at Spock’s?”

“No. Mrs. Severenson.”

“Who?”

“The old lady on Pear Street. Used to teach elementary school. She makes stuffed animals.”

Mom handed him a bowl of soup. “Go sit at the table. I think I see frost in your eyelashes.”

“She made me shovel her snow.” Jim sat down with a spoon and took a big bite. “God, this is good. But hot. Ouch. Burned my tongue.”

“Slow down. No one’s going to take it from you.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“You don’t even shovel our snow unless I wheedle and whine. What’s her secret?”

“She’s making me a sehlat for Spock. You know for V Day.”

“A stuffed sehlat?” Mom laughed. “This I have to see.”

“Well, you will, if she actually makes it. She’s making me work for it.”

“Smart lady.” Mom ruffled his hair. “You hair’s wet, too. After you finish that, go take a shower and warm up. When you finish your homework, you can have some cookies.”

Jim barely kept from narrowing his eyes at the mother of the year act. He didn’t smell alcohol at least. “Did you get some good news?” he cautiously asked.

“I did get a raise.”

“Yeah? That’s good. Congratulations.”

“Thanks, baby.”

“Did you eat already?”

“Yes, I did. And so did your brother. You were late.”

“I know. I should have let you know.”

She smiled. “It’s okay. This time. Next time let me know, okay?”

“Okay, Mom.”

“You want some more?”

Jim nodded and she retrieved his bowl and gave him more soup. She was acting a little weird. Not a bad weird, but different. Like she did before the drinking got really out of hand. And Jim frankly didn’t know how to take it. He’d learned letting his guard down was never good.

But she remained cheerful after he finished, and went up to take his shower.

He had just turned off the shower and was getting out when he heard shouting. Swallowing back his dismay, Jim shrugged into his robe.

His mom and Sam. Again. He couldn’t make out anything they were saying. But their voices were raised and both sounded really pissed off. Jim sank down to the bathroom floor and put his hands over his ears. They were getting louder, coming up the stairs.

“Fuck you, you bitch,” Sam yelled.

And then Jim heard a slap, and a whack, and his mother shrieking at his brother. He knew she was hitting Sam and he was just taking it, probably blocking her blows but not fighting back.

He huddled closer into himself, but no matter how much he covered his ears, he could still hear them. Then Sam’s door slammed. And he heard his mother crying.

A minute later, she touched the bathroom door. “Your cookies are ready, Jim. You can have them whenever you want. They're downstairs.”

Her bedroom door closed a minute later, but Jim didn’t move.


	13. We'll Be a Candle to the World

“Aren’t you done with that yet, little boy?”

Jim wiped the sweat off his brow. How in the hell could he be both freezing his nuts and ass off at the same time as dying of heatstroke? He leaned against the shovel.

“I’m not a little boy. And does it look like I’m done, Mrs. Severenson?”

So yeah, okay. Maybe that last part was a little disrespectful. But that was the third time since he started shoveling her snow that afternoon that she’d poked her head out to ask him.

“Well, when you are done, bring in some firewood with you. I want you to make me a fire.” The door closed behind her.

“I want you to make me a fire,” Jim mocked churlishly. He was tempted to call her ‘Your Majesty’ he really was. In the last several days while he worked for Spock’s sehlat she’d had him cleaning her garage, making her dinner twice, and even scrub her toilet. The least favorite of his tasks by far. Although shoveling the snow was pretty close. He would hate to have to live on the difference.

“You know people have heart attacks while shoveling snow,” Jim said loudly. He doubted she heard him anyway. And even if she did, she would ignore him.

Every night he came home exhausted from all the shit he had to do. And he barely got to see Spock at all. It had only been at school. And the worst part was he couldn’t even tell Spock what was going on, so Spock got this weird look like he was hurt but not trying to show it.

Valentine’s Day was tomorrow though and Mrs. Severenson said he could take the sehlat with him before he left tonight.

Ten minutes later he was out of breath, but finally finished. He put the shovel aside and turned toward the firewood. He collected as many logs as he could carry, and maybe one more than that, and struggled up the porch steps to the front door. Juggling them this way and that, he managed to get the door open without dropping any.

“Snow shoveling is done,” Jim called as he went to her fireplace.

“Good,” Mrs. Severenson said from her kitchen.

Jim knelt and started getting the wood ready for the fire. He sniffed. “What smells like cake?”

“Cake.”

Jim smiled and shook his head. He got the fire going and warmed his hands. The rest of him was sweating. He pulled off his coat and hung it up by the door.

He went to the kitchen. “What are you doing?”

That’s when he saw she was frosting a heart-shaped cake with light pink frosting.

“Who is that for?”

She glanced at him and rolled her eyes. “You. Now sit down at the table and I’ll bring you a piece when I’m done.”

“You made me a cake?” Jim squeaked.

“So what if I did,” she said grouchily. “Had the stupid mix lying around. And some fool gave me a heart shaped cake pan once.”

Jim suddenly felt like he was going to choke on emotion.

“You aren’t going to cry, are you, little boy?”

“No,” he protested. He sniffed. “No.”

“You’ve been working pretty hard, is all. You have to eat.”

He stared at her. He had this ridiculous urge to hug her. He tried to fight it. But she was glaring at him, all uppity and superior, and he just couldn’t help it. He took a step toward her and then another and then put his arms around her. “Thank you.”

Jim felt her arms come up around him and she patted his back, kind of roughly, but it made him smile. “Do as I said and sit down.”

He went and sat at the table.

“You don’t want milk or anything, do you?”

Jim shook his head. “Too old for milk. Coffee?” he asked hopefully.

“Got some tea. Never did have much love of coffee.”

“Tea then.”

She stared at him.

He stared back.

“Well? Get to making us some tea then.”

Jim grinned and got up to make the tea. When they were seated with their tea and cake, Jim took a bite. “It’s pretty good.”

“It’s damn good, kid.”

“Is the frosting strawberry?”

“What do you think?”

“I think strawberry, yeah.” Jim picked up his tea. “Mrs. Severenson?”

“Hmm?”

“Do you think I’m a wimp?”

“A wimp?”

“You know, like a weakling.”

She snorted. “I know what a wimp is, Jimmy. Do you think I forgot everything when I retired?” She sighed. “Why do you ask?”

“Well. That first day I came over you said something about not being surprised I had a boyfriend.” Jim shrugged.

“You think liking boys makes you a wimp?”

“No. Some do though.” Jim chewed on his lip. “Why’d you think that?”

“It stands to reason if you don’t have a girlfriend or don’t seem to want one, you might have a boyfriend, now doesn’t it?”

“Yeah.”

Mrs. Severenson sighed. “Don’t overthink things all the time, Jim. Most times there isn’t some hidden meaning. It’s just what it is. I don’t think you’re a wimp and I don’t think there’s anything wrong with liking boys. Even Vulcans.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks.”

“And stop listening to bullies. And those idiots you had to deal with on Tarsus IV.”

Jim tensed, his stomach suddenly turning to ice. “You-you know about that?”

“Sure, I do. I’ve heard the talk.”

Jim stared at his plate with the cake on it. “They think I’m damaged. Because of that.”

“James Tiberius Kirk.”

He looked up to meet her gaze.

“If that _didn’t_ damage you nothing will. But so what? There’s nothing wrong with you, Jim. And don’t ever let anyone say otherwise.”

He swallowed. For the second time in just a few minutes he felt like he was going to cry. Stupid old lady, he thought fondly. 

“I’ll get you that sehlat,” Mrs. Severenson said, rising from her seat.

A moment later she returned with a stuffed brown thing that vaguely resembled a bear with fangs. It was ridiculously cute and furry. Soft too, Jim realized when she put it in his hands.

“Wow, this is awesome,” Jim gushed.

Mrs. Severenson looked a little smug.  She had a right, he guessed. “Now.  Let me wrap up the rest of that cake for you to take home with you. “

She got up and went into the kitchen and did just that.

“Think he’ll like it?” Jim asked uncertainly.

“He likes you, doesn’t he?”

“Yeah.”

She nodded. “He’ll like it.” She handed him a white bag with the cake. “Go on, then. Go home.”

Jim smiled. “Thank you.” She walked with him to the door and opened it, thrusting his coat at him. On the porch, he stopped and stared out at her yard. “Mrs. Severenson?”

“Yes?”

“Who shovels your snow usually?”

“Me, of course,” she said with a snort.  “Takes me a long time, but I get it done.”

Jim nodded. He didn’t look back at her. “Next snowstorm I’ll be by to shovel.”

A short pause.

“I’ll see you then, little boy.”

Jim smiled, shook his head. “Happy Valentine’s Day, Mrs. Severenson.”

****

“So, um, I was ready to leave,” Jim told his mom the next day. It was Valentine’s Day and he couldn’t wait to go see Spock. He had just given his mom a rose. A long stem one, deep red.

She was sitting at the dining room table, holding it up to her nose. In front of her was the box of chocolates Sam had given her earlier. Mom was smiling.

“Have fun.”

“If there’s anything you need, just—”

“Jim. I’m fine. You go on and see Spock.”

“Well.” Jim licked his lips, hesitated. “I feel bad leaving you alone.”

“I’m not alone. I have my rose and my chocolates.” She smiled. “And some holopics of your father.”

It sounded unbelievably depressing. Jim would drink, too, under those circumstances. “Mom—”

She got up and went to him. “Jim, please don’t pity me, okay?  I had my time with the love of my life. Now it’s your turn.” She hugged him. “No matter what, I want you to know, I love you.”

He nodded against her. “I love you, too.”

She released him and gently pushed him toward the back door. “Be careful on your walk and if gets too late, it’s fine to stay over.”

“Okay.” He smiled and kissed her cheek. Then turned and left the house.

Sometimes he loved her so much and other times he hated her. He wasn’t sure which was real. Maybe both.

He practically ran all the way to Spock’s and was out of breath when Amanda, Spock’s mom, answered the door.

“Oh, Jim!” Amanda exclaimed. “Spock will be so happy to see you.”

He thrust the rose he’d bought for her at her. A pale peach one.

Her eyes widened. “For me?”

He nodded rapidly. “Happy Valentine’s Day.”

Amanda pulled him into the house and then into a hug. “You’re just the sweetest boy ever.”

Jim blushed. “Well. I. Um. You know.”

She laughed and released him. “Spock!” But Spock was right there, staring at them. “Oh, there you are. Jim’s here.”

“I can see that, Mother.”

“And he gave me a rose.”

“I see that also.”

Spock was dressed all in black, looked a little like he was in mourning actually, and Jim couldn’t tell if he was happy to see Jim or not.

“Um.” Jim licked his lips. “Can I-can I see you a moment? Alone?”

Amanda took pity on him. “Why don’t you two go to your room, Spock?”

Spock nodded. “Please come this way, Jim.”

Jim went down the hall after Spock and sagged against the door after Spock closed it. He pulled the sehlat out of his coat.

“I have a present for you, Spock.”

“A present?”

“Valentine’s Day.”

Spock’s eyes widened ever so slightly.

“Here.” Jim pretty much threw the stuffed sehlat at Spock, who caught it with his perfect reflexes. When all Spock did was stare at it, Jim bit his lip. “It’s a sehlat.  Stuffed. I mean. Not a real one. Stuffed. Um, you know, like a stuffed animal.” God, he was babbling. “There’s this lady. She makes them. I went and asked her to. And she, well, I had to work for it. Shoveling snow and shit and—”

“That is where you have been going?”

“Uh-huh. Do you like it?”

Spock’s gaze rose to Jim’s and he looked anything but happy. He looked downright stricken. Jim’s stomach lurched. “I did not acquire a gift for you.”

“Oh. But that’s okay, Spock. You didn’t have to.”

Spock, still clutching the sehlat, turned away. “I fail as a mate.”

“Wait. What?”

“I am a terrible mate for a human,” Spock whispered. “I-I should have thought to get you something. It did not occur to me."

“Spock, no. It’s okay. I‘m fine. Spock. Please. Look at me.”

Spock turned around but his eyes were turbulent. “And seven days ago I felt your torment. And I did not know what to do.”

“Torment?”

“You were distressed. I felt it. I did not know why. I did not know what to do.”

Jim realized he must have meant the night of Sam’s fight with their mother. “Sam and Mom were fighting.”

In spite of himself, Spock stepped closer. “Did they harm you?”

“No. I mean, it was bad. I was upset. But they only hurt each other.”

Spock shook his head. “That is not true. You were distressed.”

“I-I didn’t know you could feel that.”

“When it is strong as it was then. As a Vulcan I am ill-equipped to see to your emotional needs.”

“Spock, no. You’re perfect.”

“There is no way I can be.” Spock looked down at the sehlat.

Jim swallowed the lump in his throat. “You don’t have to keep it if you don’t want it.”

“I want it,” Spock said, his gaze rising. “It is the most perfect Valentine’s gift I could have received.”

“Yeah?”

“Yes.” Spock placed it on his bed. “Jim, I—

Jim stepped close to Spock. Spock’s hands instantly came up to close around Jim’s waist, under his coat and shirt, directly onto Jim’s skin. Spock closed his eyes and leaned into Jim.

“Is that better?” Jim whispered, wrapping his arms around Spock’s back. “Oh, honey. You’re shaking.”

“I experience distress when we have been separated for too long. Physical contact,” Spock clarified. “It worsens when I sense you are not emotionally well.”

“I’m sorry. I just wanted to get you a present.” Jim snuggled close. “I’m here, Spock. I’m right here. I know you can feel my love.”

“Yes.” Spock exhaled. “I should have given you a Valentine’s Day present, t’hy’la.”

Jim smiled and kissed him softly. “I just want you to be you. That’s all that matters. You don’t have to try to be the perfect mate for a human. You just have to be the perfect mate for me. And you are.”

“I will not let you go,” Spock whispered.

“See? Perfect.”

“Boys, I have some food ready if you’re hungry!” Amanda called to them from the kitchen.

Jim kissed Spock’s nose. “I’m starving. You?”

Spock nodded. “I could eat.”

Jim turned toward the door, still attached to Spock. But Spock stopped to scoop up the stuffed sehlat. Jim grinned.

“To show Mother.” Spock arched a brow. “She will be suitably impressed.”

“Love you.”

“And I you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These boys will be back in March


	14. Where Do People Like Us Float?

When Spock woke one spring morning he heard the murmur of voices from within other parts of the house. It was quite early still, too early for the household to be awake. He got out of bed and slipped his feet into slippers and left his bedroom. He still had more than two hours before he would have to get up for school.

His parents were standing in the kitchen, very close to each other, their fingers touching.

“Father? Mother?”

Mother stepped back and smiled at Spock. “Good morning, Spock.” Her gaze went to Father, who nodded slightly. “I’m going to get ready.” Then she walked out of the kitchen, past Spock, and then into the hallway where the bedrooms were.

“What is it?” Spock asked, for this was highly unusual behavior.

“My mother has died, Spock,” Father spoke quietly. “There will be a small ceremony on Vulcan. We will be leaving shortly.”

Spock swallowed heavily. He had never been close to his ko'mekh-il. She had not approved of Father’s marriage to Mother and therefore had not approved of Spock. Still she was his father’s mother and deserved his respect.

“I grieve with thee.”

Father nodded. “Prepare your belongings.”

“Leave? But Jim—”

“We will return Sunday evening, Spock. I am certain your friend can do without you for a few days.”

Spock stepped forward. “Jim is more than a friend.”

“Oh?”

“He is…t’hy’la.”

“You name this human boy t’hy’la?”

“You yourself married a human.”

Father arched a brow. “As was logical. You are certain of this?”

“Yes, Father. I feel it.”

“Very well. However, what I said still stands. James will be able to withstand your departure for four days.”

Spock nodded. “As you say, Father. May I inform Jim of our voyage in person?”

“There is no time. We leave soon. You will have to send him a message. Please get ready.”

Spock turned and went to his room to pack belongings to take with him to Vulcan for the few days he would be there. He wished he could tell Jim in person but there was no hope for it and he sent Jim the message. He suspected his t’hy’la was still asleep.

_Jim,_

_My grandmother has passed away and we are leaving for Vulcan shortly. I anticipate returning here on Sunday evening._

_Spock._

 

****

Thursday was a long miserable day. Jim had barely paid any attention in his classes and had re-read Spock’s message about a dozen times. It would have been nice if Spock had put some sentiment into the note. Jim didn’t know what. Like, maybe, “I’ll miss you”? But no just short and to the point. Jim supposed it was only logical.

Jim spent Thursday night sulking in his room. Friday happened to be a pupil free day so when he finally got out of bed, noting that Spock had not responded to any of Jim’s messages, he went outside and laid down in one of the fields by their house.

He’d been there a while when he noticed Sam approaching him. Jim leaned up on his elbows.

“What’s up?” he asked as his brother sat beside him in the grassy field.

“I’ve got something to tell you, Jim.” Sam wouldn’t look at Jim. Instead his gaze was focused out into the distance.

“Okay.”

“Aurelan and I are leaving for New York.”

It took several seconds for Jim to process that but when he did, he just stared at Sam.

Sam rubbed the back of his neck. He was pink all over. “We’ve been planning it for a while.”

“What about school?” Jim asked.

“I took my GED. I passed everything, got my diploma. And I’m old enough anyway. Aurelan, too. We both want to go to school in New York. Explore. We’ve been talking about it for months.”

“When do we leave?”

Sam shook his head and looked at Jim for the first time since he came to the field. “You aren’t coming, Jim.”

“Why the hell not?”

“Because you’re still a minor. You’ve gotta finish school here and stay in Riverside where you belong.”

His words seemed like a physical blow to Jim. “I don’t belong in Riverside. I hate it here. Just like you. Damn it, Sam. You can’t just take off on me.”

“I’m not taking off on you. I told you we’ve been planning this. It’s what Aurelan and I both want. I told Mom.”

He swallowed looked away from his brother. “I’m the last to know?”

“Jim—”

“When?”

Sam exhaled. “Today.”

Jim closed his eyes. “Fuck.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you before,” Sam whispered. “The truth was…I hoped I could bring you with me, but Mom, she won’t let it happen. She said no.”

“You asked her?”

“Yeah. Several times. We fought about it a lot. She’s not gonna let you go, Jim.”

Jim played in the dirt beside him. “So that’s it then? You’re going anyway.”

“I have to.”

Jim laughed without humor or joy. “No, you don’t. You’re fucking abandoning me just like you did before.”

“I’m not!”

“Bullshit. Did you go to Tarsus, Sam?”

“Frank sent you there because of what you did with his car. That was _not_ my fault.”

“You did nothing to stop him!”

“How could I? I was just a kid, too.”

“Sure,” Jim whispered.

“Don’t be upset.”

“Don’t tell me how to feel, Sam. You can’t leave me here alone with her. You can’t.”

“I’m not doing this to punish you, Jim. This has nothing to do with you.”

“Yeah, it never does, does it?”

Sam sighed. “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You fucking figure it out.” Jim pushed off the ground and stood. “Have a nice life.”

“Jim—”

“Fuck you, Sam,” Jim said over his shoulder as he walked away.

****

_Sam’s gone. I just watched him leave through the window. Mom’s at work. This house is so empty. And I…I miss you._

_Jim._

But of course there was no response to his message to Spock. Any of his messages. Maybe they couldn’t reach him all the way from Vulcan. He didn’t know.

He tossed down his PADD and reached for the coat he got from Spock and pulled it on. He wasn’t going to spend one more damn minute in his house by himself.

They all wanted to leave him, then fuck them.

He made it into town and then wondered what he would do next. They knew him at the bar, or everywhere really, and there was no way they’d serve him. They’d probably just call his mother.

Jim spotted Rick Forrester’s motorcycle parked at the bar. He walked over to it, smoothed his hand over the seat, and looked around. He swung his leg over and sat on it. 

Yeah, fuck them all.

Jim fiddled with the bike until he got it running and then took off into the night.


	15. You're Gonna See Things You Might Not Wanna See

Jim heard the approach of her footsteps just before she appeared at the bars of his cell. He didn’t lift his head. He was seated with his back against the wall on an old wooden bench, head bowed.

“I can’t believe you made it all the way to Cedar Rapids,” were the first words out of his mother’s mouth. The bars rattled. “Do you have any idea how angry I am?”

Jim just stared at his hands.

“Not talking? Well, I’m very angry. You could have been killed. It’s a damn miracle you weren’t hurt.”

More footsteps and then Jim’s gaze rose as he watched the police officer unlock his cell.

“You’re free to go,” the officer said.

Jim rose and walked out of the cell and past his mother.

“Thank you, Officer,” his mom said, following after Jim. She grabbed his arm, pulling him to a stop. “Not so fast. I’m not done talking to you.”

“You need some place private to talk to your son, ma’am, there’s a conference room through that door,” the police officer offered.

“Thank you.” She pulled Jim with her and over to the door leading to the conference room. She pretty much pushed him inside though Jim wasn’t really fighting her. She closed the door. “Sit.”

Jim sat in a conference chair.

“Rick Forrester isn’t going to press charges.”

He nodded.

“You’re really lucky. But we are going to have to pay for the damage to the bike you wrecked. He has insurance, but we owe the deductible.”

“Okay,” Jim said softly.

Hands on her hips, she looked down at him. “Did they check you out?”

“I’m fine.”

“That’s not what I asked. Did they check you out?”

“No.”

“We should bring you by the hospital before we head home.”

“I’m fine,” Jim repeated. He had a cut across his forehead and his lip was swollen from his teeth sinking in during the impact. He was sore all over, really. But hurt? Not really.

“Did you hit your head?”

“Cut it on the handlebars.”

His mom pulled out a handkerchief and crouched down in front of him. She wet it with her mouth and then rubbed at the dried blood. “Do you really hate me this much?”

“I don’t hate you.”

“No? Could have fooled me. This is Sam’s influence. You used to be such a sweet boy.”

Jim blew out a heavy breath and pushed her hand away from rubbing his forehead. “It has nothing to do with Sam. If I’m not the sweet boy you think I should be, you can look to your ex, Frank, and Tarsus.”

“Which I allowed to happen.”

He shook his head. “You said it, not me.”

“And there it is,” she said softly. “Your reason for hating me. If it helps, I hate myself.”

“Well, it doesn’t.”

“I don’t suppose it does. You’re mad because I wouldn’t let you go with Sam to New York. You’re my son, Jim. You belong with me.”

“You never cared before,” he pointed out.

“I do care. I’m trying, Jimmy. That’s why I came back in the first place. Got a job. Which I had to get someone to cover my shifts by the way.”

“You should have just let me go.”

“Or rot in a jail cell?” She stood. “This isn’t you, Jim. You’re a good kid.”

“Sure. That’s why I drove Frank’s car off the cliff.”

“He deserved that. And more,” she said fiercely. “The only thing I’m sorry about is that he wasn’t in the damn car when it went over the cliff.”

Jim swallowed, shook his head, but said nothing.

“You’re a good boy,” she insisted. “You put up with me. Your brother. You came out of that awful, awful place and yet…you’re still just my little Jimmy.”

“I’m not,” Jim whispered.

“I’m going to quit drinking.”

“You’ve said that before.”

“I mean it this time.”

Jim sighed and shook his head. “You’ve said that before too, Mom. I don’t believe you anymore.”

She crossed her arms and narrowed her eyes angrily. “You think you have all the answers, don’t you? You think it’s so damn easy.”

“I never said it was easy. And I know it’s hard dealing with me. I know I’m an asshole,” Jim said quietly. “I’d probably drink because of me too.”

Her face crumbled. “Oh, baby, it’s not because of you.”

“Then why?”

“Because of me. I’m the one whose weak. I’m the one, Jimmy. Not you. When your daddy died it just about killed me, too. I only made it because of you and Sam.” She pulled up a chair and sat next to Jim. “Why did you leave?”

“I just…I felt alone. Sam left. And he didn’t even tell me he was leaving until the day he was going. I don’t understand.”

She brushed hair off his forehead. “I think I was hoping he’d change his mind.”

“He doesn’t want to be with us,” Jim whispered.

“I guess that’s true enough, but I think it’s more me than you. And what else?”

“Spock left. Not for good. Or I don’t think so. But his grandmother died and he’s not even responding to my messages.”

“You really like him.”

“Well.” He exhaled. “We’re sort of…Vulcan married.”

His mother stared at him. “What?”

“We have a bond. Um. I guess our minds were compatible or we’re fated or something. It’s all kind of complicated. It’s really important to Vulcans.”

“I know about their bonds. I thought you had to go through some bonding ceremony.”

Jim shrugged. “Not for this kind I guess. At least at first. We’re Telsu. T’hy’la. There’s a little information about it, if you want to look it up.”

“Oh, believe me, I do.” She pursed her lips. “Have you had sex?”

Jim felt himself blush. “Mom.”

She rolled her eyes. “I’m not naïve, Jim. I was young once. You have?”

He cleared his throat and nodded, not meeting her gaze.

“I obviously need to start paying better attention. I like Spock. I do. Just…be careful. From what I know that bond stuff is all in your head.” She smiled. “I mean telepathically.”

He nodded.

“That’s a little freaky, isn’t it?”

“It’s not so bad. I mean he doesn’t really do anything. That I can tell anyway. I think they put up shields or something. But I want to be with him all the time. I’m not sure if that’s cause of the bond or Spock.”

She squeezed his shoulder. “Maybe they can’t be separated.”

“I’m-I’m sorry I crashed the bike. And that I took it. I’ll pay.”

“No. I will. I’m still upset you did all that, Jimmy. You could have been killed in that crash. But I’ll pay for it. Wouldn’t it be nice if you and I could talk more like this?”

“Yeah. But—”

“I always drink and ruin everything.”

“Mom—”

“It’s true, I know. And you have every right to doubt me when I say I’m going to quit.” She stood and reached to pull him up. “We’ve got a shuttle ride ahead of us and I still want to get you checked at the hospital.”

“I’m fine.”

“You’re still getting checked. And I’m going to yell at these cops for not having you checked out. Morons.”  She bit her lip. “Jimmy?”

“Yeah?”

“One of the cops suggested maybe you crashed it on purpose.” She looked down at her hands. “You-you didn’t, did you?”

Jim wasn’t sure how to answer that. He didn’t want to die. Not really. Not anymore anyway. After Tarsus, there were times. But he’d mostly gotten past that.

“At the time…yes,” Jim said slowly. “I crashed it on purpose.”

“Jim,” she whispered.

“I just-I just felt—”

She threw her arms around him. “Please don’t. Please.”

He closed his eyes. “I won’t.”

***

When they pulled up in front of the farmhouse Sunday evening, Jim was surprised to see Spock waiting outside. He was bundled up in a coat because it was just a bit cold out.

He glanced at his mom, who smiled.

Jim got out of the car, not even closing the door, and hurried over to Spock. Before Spock could even say a word, Jim was throwing his arms around him.

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered, wrapping his arms around Jim’s back and pulling him close.

“I can’t believe you’re here,” Jim said, just a little wetly.

“I will never be far,” Spock replied. He raised his hand and slid his fingers along Jim’s cheek and then up to his forehead by the cut.

Jim licked his lips. “I had a little accident.”

“I am aware.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim whispered.

“I know you are, Jim. I only ask that you do not do that again.”

He nodded and buried his face in Spock’s neck. “I won’t.”

“Come, ashaya. Let us get you inside.”


	16. Me Minus You is Such a Lonely Ride

“I’m going to go to bed,” Jim’s mother announced once the three of them had entered the farmhouse. “I have an early shift at the restaurant.” She smiled at Spock, then turned to her son. “Don’t stay up too late, kiddo.”

“Okay, Mom.”

Spock watched her ascend the stairs. “Why don’t you sit down on the couch in the living room and I will bring you tea.”

Jim bit his lip. “You don’t have to. I can—”

“I will be only a moment,” Spock interrupted, pointing to the living room.

This time Jim just nodded and didn’t argue.

Spock turned to the stove and busied himself with preparing tea. In truth, he had taken on the task as a way to calm himself. Learning of Jim’s brush with death and the law while he had been away at his grandmother’s funeral had been disturbing for Spock. The school year was going fast and at the end of it, Spock would be returning to Vulcan and Jim…would be here. With only a mother who had proven to have substance abuse issues. The prospect of being parted from his t’hy’la under those circumstances was not a pleasant one.

He finished the tea and took the two steaming mugs out to the living room. Jim was in the corner of the couch, legs drawn up close to his body looking very young and vulnerable. Spock’s heart twisted as he handed tea to Jim and sat beside him next to his legs.

“Are you angry?” Jim asked softy. “And don’t say Vulcans don’t feel anger.”

“I would never be so glib in these circumstances,” Spock replied. “I am not angry, Jim. There would be very rare instances where I would be angry with you. And I would never take out that anger on you either verbally or physically.” This he needed Jim to understand.

“Okay.”

“I abhor violence of any kind, but most especially domestic violence. There is no place for it in my life,” Spock explained. “While in this instance I am not angry I admit to feeling both puzzled and disappointed by your actions in my absence. I request that you clarify what you were thinking when you engaged in this behavior.”

“Can I ask you something?” His blue eyes were wide and stark in his face.

Spock rested his hand on the leg closest to him. “Always.”

“I messaged you while you were away. To tell you about Sam. And-and other things. But you never answered. Did you not want to talk to me? Am I a pest?”

“Ashaya, there will never be a time when I do not wish to talk to you.” Spock squeezed his leg. “The truth was that my father confiscated my PADD while I was away and would not allow me access.”

“Why?”

“He did not believe I was acting with enough respect for my grandmother’s passing. He suspected that any interaction I had with you would be too distracting from our logical purpose.” Spock exhaled. “He regrets now that he caused you discomfort by it.”

“So you didn’t ignore me on purpose.” Jim smiled a little.

“I would not.”

“Well.” Jim licked his lips. “That was part of it. I was missing you so much. And Sam. I hated Mom thinking she had sent Sam away and she wouldn’t let me go to New York and it just all bubbled up.”

“I am gratified you did not go to New York.”

“I am too… _now_. I just felt this urge to say screw you to everyone. And then I saw Rick’s bike and I took it.”

“Much the way you did when you took your stepfather’s automobile.”

Jim nodded. “Yeah. Anyway, I crashed it and they brought me in to the police station. Mom says they didn’t end up charging me with anything though. But I did give her three new gray hairs.”

“And me several as well.” Spock paused, hesitated.  “Jim?”

“Yes?”

“Did you…why did you crash? Were you going too fast?”

Jim looked away from Spock, lowering his gaze. “Not really.”

“Jim?”

“I just felt really bad,” Jim whispered.

His heart felt like it might burst through his side. “Jim—”

“I’m sorry.” Jim’s gaze rose and his eyes were wet. “I just missed you and Sam so much.”

“You cannot contemplate suicide every time we are separated, t’hy’la. At the end of the school year I am returning to Vulcan.”

“I know.” His bottom lip trembled.

“Do you? Harming yourself would devastate me. Have you tried to harm yourself before?”

“Not-not since right after I came back from Tarsus.” He suddenly moved on the couch to where he was laid across Spock’s lap. “I won’t do it again. I promise.”

“Perhaps it would be best for you to talk to someone.”

“I’ve already done all that. I’m okay, Spock. I swear. It was just a moment.”

“Ashaya, when we are parted—”

“I know. But it’s temporary, right? As soon as I’m old enough I’ll come to Vulcan. We’ll be together.”

Spock closed his eyes and pulled Jim close. “Kan-bu.”

“I’m sorry,” Jim said again. “I love you.”

“I love you as well.” He kissed the top of Jim’s head. “I have something for you.”

Jim pulled back to look at Spock. “Yeah? What?”

“One moment.” Spock moved Jim to the side off of him and rose from the couch to go to his carrier bag that he’d brought with him and left on the table. He reached in to remove the Easter basket he had put together and brought back to Jim.

He handed the brightly colored Easter basket to Jim. He had filled it with the assistance of his mother and it contained a chocolate rabbit, chocolate eggs wrapped in foil, a large chocolate covered peanut butter egg, and a small stuffed duck Mother had called a “ducky”. When one pressed on its stomach it made artificial quacking noises.

Jim had a big smile on his face when he surveyed the contents. “You got me an Easter basket?”

“I did.”

“I forgot it was Easter. I didn’t get you anything!”

“That is fine. This makes up for Valentine’s Day.”

Jim’s smile widened. He pulled out a chocolate egg and unwrapped it. “Want one?”

“Chocolate does not agree with me,” Spock reminded him.”

“Are you allergic?”

“No.”

“Does it make you sick?”

“Not exactly.”

Jim bit the egg and then held out the other half. “Just one tiny bit.”

“Jim—” The chocolate was popped into Spock’s mouth. He chewed. Spock had to admit it was a very pleasing taste.

“Want another?”

Spock nodded.

Jim bit half of another egg and then put the remainder in Spock’s mouth. He did this with two more eggs and Spock did not protest.

“Jim, I am feeling quite warm.”

“And?” Jim licked his lips.

Spock licked his lips too. “Sexually aroused.”

Jim’s pupils seemed to dilate instantly. “Yeah? So, um, should we go to my room?”

Spock nodded rapidly. “Yes, now.”

“Now?”

Spock rose and yanked Jim up to his feet. “Yes, now.”

They started heading for the stairs. Spock stopped and picked up the Easter basket and took it with him.  


	17. Will You Go to the Prom With Me?

Jim hated when it snowed in April. Shouldn’t. Snow should automatically end when it was fucking spring. But he woke on a Saturday morning in April to find the world outside a blanket of white.

“Son of a bitch.”

He hated snow shoveling, rarely did it at the farm, because it was something Sam always did. But now fucking Sam was gone. And it was Saturday.

Jim turned away from the sight and flung himself back down on his bed. He had a message on his PADD from his mom saying she had gone to work.  Wouldn’t be back for hours.

He probably ought to go shovel snow for Mrs. Severenson, too.

“Son of a bitch,” he muttered again.

He picked up his PADD.

_I hate the snow_.

A moment later, Spock sent a message back.

_That is illogical. It is just the weather._

_Please don’t tell me how snow is formed,_ Jim typed quickly. 

_Very well. But it is fascinating._

_It doesn’t snow on Vulcan, huh?_

_Definitely not._

_Hey, Spock?_

_Yes, Jim?_

Jim bit his lip and turned over onto his stomach. _What are you doing?_

_I just finished meditation._

_Want to come over?_

_I do not want to shovel your snow._

Jim grinned. _But you’re so strong and virile. And you look hot._

_Jim. I have to shovel outside our own house._

_I have to shovel Mrs. Severenson first._ Jim sighed. _I promised I would. Meet here after I’m done._ _Please? Maybe we can do some together._

_Very well._

_Spock?_

_Do they have proms on Vulcan?_

_Proms?_

_Yeah. Like you get all dressed up and spend a fortune and dance together in front of everyone else who’s dancing. It’s kind of lame._

_We do not._

_Would you, I don’t know, want to maybe go with me?_

_You just said it was lame._

Jim sighed. _Does that mean no?_

_It does not._

_Does that mean yes?_

_It does not._

_Spock…oh never mind. Are you coming here later or what?_

_Yes, Jim. I will see you this afternoon._

_Okay. Bye._

Jim wasn’t sure what he’d been thinking of when he thought he could take his Vulcan boyfriend to the prom, anyway. Vulcans didn’t do the same stupid shit Humans did.

He decided not to bother taking  a shower until after all his snow shoveling so he just peed, got dressed, and grabbed  granola bar as he headed out.

Jim made the trek to Mrs. Severenson, trying not to think too much about how he was freezing his nuts off. He went to her shed where she kept the shovel, retrieved it and set off to work. He was very quickly sweating and not cold at all.  

 When he was finished he stomped up to her front door and knocked. He gave it a few minutes. Knocked again.

“Mrs. Severenson? It’s Jim.”

He bit his lip, rubbed the window with his gloved hand and tried to peer inside. He couldn’t see through the front window, so he went around to the back of the house.

“Mrs. Severenson?”

He stepped up to the back porch and over to the window. There was a small gap between the curtain and the edge of the window. Jim bent down to peer inside. He saw a foot laying on the ground and he backed up, heart pounding.

****

Spock did not even bother to knock as he approached the back door of the farmhouse. Instead, he twisted the knob and walked inside.

“Jim? T’hy’la?”

No sign of him downstairs, so Spock took the stairs to the second floor two at a time.

“Jim?”

The bedroom door was closed but Spock opened it easily. At first it appeared the room was empty and he was about to turn away when he saw the closet door ajar. Spock approached, looked inside and spotted his t’hy’la sitting at the back of the closet, on the floor. Knees tucked up to his chest. He could see the tear tracks on Jim’s cheeks. He felt the sorrow deep to his very katra.

Spock dropped to his knees and crawled to the back of the closet, pulling Jim to him. Jim came easily, curling up on Spock’s lap, his head burying into Spock’s neck.

“I grieve with thee,” he said softly.

Jim hiccupped.

Spock stroked his hair, closed his eyes.

“They said it was a-a heart attack.”

“Yes.”

“Her heart just gave out.”

“I am sorry, t’hy’la. The passing of a loved one is never easy.”

“She-she was so nice to me.”

Spock nodded.

“When hardly anyone else was. She said I wasn’t-I wasn’t a freak.  That there’s nothing wrong with me.”

Spock’s heart clenched. “Of course there is not.”

“You have to think so. Cause I’m your t’hy’la. But-but she didn’t have to. And she thought I was okay anyway.”

Jim was shaking in his arms and Spock tightened his hold.

“She was an excellent judge of character.”

“I hate that.”

“What, ashaya?”

“Talking-talking about her in past tense. Like-like she’s nothing now. Death is unfair.”

“Yes.” Spock didn’t dwell on death, it was illogical, but some part of him could not help but acknowledge a future without his t’hy’la. Hopefully not for many, many years.

“Sometimes I just hate everything and everyone.”

Spock just tightened his hold even more, so much maybe he was hurting him.

“Except you,” Jim whispered.

“I am gratified,” Spock replied around the lump in his throat. “Jim?”

“What?”

“Will you go to the prom with me?”

Jim nodded and wet Spock’s neck with his tears.  


	18. The Future is Ours

Jim didn’t talk at graves. Not that he’d ever been to one before. Once he’d been to the grave that marked his father’s death, but Jim knew his dad wasn’t there. There’d been nothing left of George Kirk to bury. But humans were weird sometimes and they’d made him a grave anyway, though Mom had insisted it was a ‘Memorial’.

But as he stood now, looking down at Mrs. Severenson’s grave, hands shoved into the pockets of his coat, for it was a windy, chilly day, Jim was tempted to talk to her.

But he was also aware Spock stood on the edge of the entrance of the small Riverside cemetery waiting for him. Spock probably already thought he was weird, so if Jim started talking to the ground, he’d no doubt rethink Jim as his t’hy’la.

 _Not true_.

Jim winced. That was still something to get used to. Didn’t happen often, but there were times he heard Spock in his mind which meant Spock probably knew what Jim was thinking or feeling more than he admitted to.

Jim dropped down to his haunches. He’d left lilies on her grave because he knew from her house she liked lilies. Her house had overflowed with lilies in vases, lilies painted on the wall. He’d asked her once who had painted the flowers on the wall.

_“Who do you think? Me, of course.”_

Jim smiled, though tears pricked his eyes. It wasn’t fair that people like his dad and Mrs. Severenson died and yet fuckers like his ex-stepfather still roamed the Earth.  

He heard Spock’s footsteps just before Spock’s hand touched his shoulder. “T’hy’la, it is getting late.”

“And cold.” Jim nodded. He didn’t rise yet, though. He picked up a little dirt and let it fall through his fingers. “I’m sorry,” he whispered. “I’m sorry you died alone.”

Spock squeezed his shoulder.

Jim nodded, blinking back the tears that stung. He rose up and was enveloped by Spock’s arms. If they were on Vulcan, Jim knew Spock would never allow this.

 _We are not_.

Jim snuggled in close, resting his head on Spock’s shoulder. “You’re nice and warm.”

“I will not be for long if we stay out doors much longer.”

Jim kissed Spock’s neck and pulled away, but then looped his arm with Spock’s. “Okay. Let’s go.”

****

“Are you going to wear a tux?” Jim asked Spock as he lay on his stomach on Spock’s bed. He had his feet in the air, crossed at the ankles. Spock was sitting at his desk doing school work.

“Hmm?”

“To the prom. It’s only two weeks.”

“Is it required?”

“No. You can wear a regular suit. Or I guess one of your sweaters if you prefer. As long as it’s nice.”

Spock nodded absently.

“I don’t think I’ll wear a tux either. Maybe a suit though. I don’t really have one, but maybe Mom will take me shopping.” Jim bit his lip and changed positions until he was laying on his back staring up at the ceiling. “You have to get me a corsage too.”

“A corsage?”

“Well, like a little flower to pin on my suit. Maybe a pink carnation. You know there’s an old, old song. ‘A white sports coat and a pink carnation. I'm all dressed up for the dance. A white sports coat and a pink carnation. I'm all alone in romance’,” Jim sang.

Spock looked up from his terminal. “You have a beautiful voice.”

“Yeah?”

“Indeed. But you are not all alone in romance.”

Jim smiled. “That’s how it goes. I’d look good in white.”

“In anything, actually.” But Spock had once more gone back to his terminal.

“Hey, babe?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“When-when do you and your parents return to Vulcan?”

“Early June.”

Jim swallowed and closed his eyes. “Okay. Wish I could go with you.”

He heard Spock shift in his chair though he didn’t open his eyes. Then he felt the bed dip as Spock lay next to him. Felt Spock’s fingers ghost over his jaw and then rest on his face.

“I wish the same, ashaya. But you have another year of school here.”

“I know.”

“We will talk every day while we are parted.”

Jim nodded.

Spock’s lips touched his nose. “What is it you fear?”

“You’ll find someone else you want instead of me,” Jim whispered, his throat closing painfully.

“Never. We are never parted, Jim.”

“Teenaged couples break up all the time.”

“We are not like them. We are bonded.”

“What if you meet some really sexy Vulcan?”

Spock’s breath puffed out across Jim’s face. “Open your eyes, Jim.”

He did, finally, staring into Spock’s warm dark chocolate eyes.

“You are the most beautiful creature I have ever known, inside and out, and that you are my t’hy’la, my cherished mate, is an honor and a privilege that I will never take lightly. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Jim licked his lips. “Is that Vulcan?”

Spock nodded.

“What does it mean?”

“That I cherish you above all others. Always and forever.”

Jim’s eyes filled with tears.

Spock frowned. “I did not mean to cause you distress.”

“I’m not distressed,” Jim denied. “I just…I love you. So much.”

Spock kissed him softly. “Then we are the same. There is no need for grief, Jim.”

Jim smiled. “Do you want to wear a white sport coat?”

“No.”

“Oh, come on.”

“Hush.” And Spock continued to kiss him.


	19. A White Sport Coat and a Pink Carnation

“I look ridiculous in this suit,” Spock announced as he gazed at himself in the mirror. He’d gone with his mother to pick out an Earth-style suit for his prom date with Jim. He’d been reluctant, but Mother had said it would be appropriate and he did not wish to disappoint Jim.

He had refused the tuxedo but had compromised with this ‘regular’ suit, as Mother had called it. It included black dress pants and a black suit jacket. Mother had chosen a white shirt and a black tie to go with it. She had just finished with his tie.

“You do not look ridiculous,” she assured him. “You look very handsome.”

“I should have worn a sweater.”

“No, no. You look fantastic, Spock.”

The doorbell rang.

“And there’s Jim anyway. There’s no time to change.”

“Do you have the pink carnation boutonniere?”

“Yes, of course.” Mother smiled and straightened his collar. Then she stepped back and handed him the carnation.

The doorbell rang a second time.

“You’d better answer it,” Mother said. “He’s anxious to see you.”

Spock nodded and turned away from the mirror, tugging down his suit jacket as he did so. He left his bedroom and went through the house to the door.

Spock exhaled as he turned the doorknob and opened it.

Jim stood there, of course. But he was quite a vision. He’d worn the white sport coat he’d spoken of, which didn’t really surprise Spock at all. He also wore black pants similar to Spock. A white shirt too. But he wore a little satin bowtie in pink. His blue eyes were shining and his cheeks were flushed red and every single hair on his head was in perfect place. He looked so beautiful to Spock, he was rendered speechless. And he realized he was completely inadequate.

Spock spun on his heels, dropped the carnation boutonniere on the floor, and hurried back to his bedroom. He passed his stunned mother on the way.

“Spock?” she called out.

Spock made it to his room and leaned heavily against the wall.

A moment later, Mother appeared. “Spock? What’s wrong?”

“I am not worthy.”

“What? Not worthy? What are you talking about?”

Spock looked at her. “Did you see him, Mother?”

“Well, yes. I think he’s surprised. He doesn’t quite know what’s going on. And neither do I.”

“He is perfect. And I-I am not.”

Mother’s face softened. “Oh, Spock.” She stepped close and put her hands on his chest. “Jim is certainly not perfect and he doesn’t need you to be so either.”

“But—”

“No buts. You look lovely and Jim thinks so too.”

“Did he say so?”

“He didn’t have to. He says it with his eyes every time he looks at you. Neither of you are perfect, Spock, except for each other.” Mother smiled. “There’s no need to be nervous.”

“I am not,” he denied.

She raised her eyebrow in a fair imitation of Spock or her husband.

“Perhaps I am slightly. I do not wish to disappoint him.”

She shook her head. “The only way you would is if you hide in here all night.”

“But he deserves—”

“You. That is what he deserves. Your father is waiting in the hover car to take you and Jim to the prom.”

“Father? But he said the prom was most illogical.”

Mother’s gentle smile widened. “Yes, I know. And I am sure he still thinks so, but he’s taking you anyway.”

“You persuaded him?”

“I, too, have my ways, Spock.” She turned him to face his bedroom door and gave him a gentle push out.

Spock went back out to the living room. Jim was standing just inside the front door. He’d pinned the carnation onto his coat and it went quite well with his pink bowtie.

Jim smiled. “Wow.”

Spock swallowed. “Wow?”

“Uh-huh. Wow. Everything okay?”

Spock looked into Jim’s eyes and realized Mother was right. Jim’s eyes were very expressive. “Yes. Shall we?”

“One second.” Jim stepped close and then Spock realized he had a red carnation in his hands and he pinned it to Spock’s coat. Then Jim moved his hand down to Spock’s and held it.

****

“Do you know how to dance?” Jim asked as he led Spock over to a punch bowl and handed him a cup of punch.

Spock nodded. “I have been researching it.”

Jim grinned. “Researching it? How?”

Spock felt himself blush. “I watched videos.”

“You are so cute.” Jim took the cup back from Spock and set it on the table next to them. “Let’s dance.”

“Do you know how?”

“Yep. Used to dance with my grandmother when I was a kid.”

For some reason Spock got a flash of Jim, about seven, dancing with an older woman with gray hair and sparking blue eyes. He realized it was a memory from his t’hy’la.

“You were adorable, ashaya.”

Jim laughed and, taking Spock’s hand, led him onto the dance floor with other couples. Spock only had eyes for Jim, though, as Spock took him into his arms and began to dance to the slow song Spock was only vaguely familiar with.

“You’re leading,” Jim said.

Spock arched a brow. “Is that a problem?”

Jim’s cheeks turned redder. “No.” He licked his lips. “You’re staring.”

He nodded. “Is that a problem?”

Jim visibly swallowed. “No.”

They danced several more dances and then eventually went onto the balcony of the facility, hand in hand. Just as they had all night, they ignored others that were there before them. Jim leaned over the railing.

“There’s your friend Christine. I can’t believe she’s with Donald Hornet.”

Spock glanced down to below where Christine along with her date stood talking with other couples. “She expressed a liking for him therefore she accepted when he asked her.”

“No accounting for taste, I guess.”

Spock leaned against the railing. “Some would undoubtedly question the wisdom of your choice as well.”

“Yeah, well. They can suck my cock.”

“Jim.”

Jim laughed. “It’s just an expression, Spock.”

“I am aware. It is still not appropriate.”

“They don’t have proms on Vulcan, huh?”

“Definitely not.”

Jim nodded. Moved his hand down the railing until it covered Spock’s. “Is it too much an expression of affection?”

“Indeed. Couples do not openly dance nor touch in the way those around us have. Even your hand on mine as it is now would not be allowed.”

“Is that because of the touch telepathy?”

“That is a large part of it. Plus it is not logical to openly claim the affections of another. Most are bonded as children anyway, so there is no real ability to choose another.”

“Sounds old-fashioned.”

“It is efficient for our purposes. Before logic dictated our lives, we nearly destroyed ourselves with uncontrolled emotions.”

“So, if I ever come to Vulcan, I can’t do this.” Jim stepped close, into Spock’s personal space and touched his fingers to Spock’s jaw. His lips found Spock’s in a soft kiss that definitely warmed Spock’s insides.

“Most assuredly not,” Spock murmured. He closed his eyes as Jim kissed him again. Jim’s tongue flicked against his and Spock barely held back a moan.

“I have to behave myself there then.”

“Yes. At least in public. What one does privately is no one else’s business.”

“Somehow that sounds so…decadent.”

“Yes.” Jim’s tongue teased along the seam of his lips until Spock opened them once more, allowing Jim entry.

“Speaking of.” Jim’s hand slipped down Spock’s body to between his legs.

“Jim, no,” Spock gasped.

Jim leaned close to Spock’s ear. “I want to suck you.”

“Not here.”

Jim nodded. “I know a room.”

“A room?”

“Yeah.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and pulled him away from the railing and back into the building. He turned into a hallway almost immediately and down to the end.

“Jim—”

Jim crouched down, did something with the lock, and the door popped open. He straightened and pushed Spock inside into what appeared to be a dark library. Jim closed the door and slid the lock.

“What is this place?”

Jim pushed Spock until he was against a table, then he knelt in front of him. “A library, just like it looks. I come here sometimes.” He undid Spock’s pants and reached inside to pull out Spock’s hardening penis.

“Jim—”

Whatever he’d been about to say was lost when Jim’s hot moist mouth engulfed him. Spock’s hands found purchase on the table behind him as Jim swallowed him down. He found he had no will to further protest when Jim got busy sucking him with rather shocking gusto. He wouldn’t last long, Jim had become very skilled. Spock could not help but watch his mate bobbing up and down on his erection. Yes, decadent was the perfect word.

After he exploded into Jim’s mouth, Jim rose and tucked Spock back into his pants, zipping them up. He kissed Spock long and leisurely.

“Was that okay?”

Spock murmured, “Indeed,” before drawing Jim’s lips back to his.

“Want to dance some more?”

“Yes. After I can walk again.”

Jim laughed and continued to kiss him breathless.

****

“Spock? Is that you?”

“Yes, Mother.” Spock paused outside his bedroom door. His coat was off, sort of merely slung over one arm. He turned to face her. She had come out of her knitting and sewing room.

“How was it?”

“Most satisfactory.”

She smiled. “So you and Jim had a good time?”

“Affirmative.”

“Your father dropped him off at his house?”

“Yes.”

“I can’t wait to see the official prom photos. I bet you two were the best looking couple there.”

Spock supposed they were too. At least Jim was the best looking one there. “I admit I had not anticipated enjoying the experience.”

“You went because of Jim.”

“Exactly. And there were many illogical aspects of it still. But I did end up seeing the appeal.”

Mother nodded with a big smile. “I remember mine though it was so many years ago. Funny though, I don’t really remember the boy I went with.”

“You did not end up with him.”

“Nope.” She laughed. “Something you won’t have to worry about. I didn’t find your father until many years later.”

“Odd.”

“What is?” Mother asked.

“Father claims that it is he who found you.”

She laughed again, her cheeks turning pink. “Goodnight, Spock.”

“Goodnight, Mother.”

When Spock entered his bedroom and closed the door he saw his PADD was blinking with a message. He went to it and of course it was from Jim. It was simple.

<3


	20. Reality Bites

“So.” Jim lay next to Spock in the barn loft. They weren’t really doing anything specifically. Not anymore anyway. They’d redressed after sex and yeah Jim still felt sticky in places he’d rather not think about. But just then they lay fully clothed side by side. Close enough to touch if they wanted to.

“So?” Spock repeated softly.

After sex Spock always had a softness to his tone that wasn’t normally present. A sort of gentleness. It did weird things to Jim’s insides.

“This weekend is Memorial Day.”

Spock merely nodded but Jim was not sure if Spock even knew what it was. He supposed he probably did.

He sighed a little. “Mom wants us to go to San Francisco for the weekend. There’s a memorial service for Starfleet officers killed in the line of duty and I guess they’re going to include my Dad. Mom wants to go and she wants me to go with her.”

“That does seem an appropriate use of your time,” Spock replied.

“Yeah. Depressing as all hell though. Mom’ll cry.”

“I imagine. It is an emotional undertaking for humans.”

“I wish you could come with us.”

“Perhaps I can.”

Jim turned to his side to stare at Spock’s profile. “Do you think you can?”

“It is a possibility. I will need to acquire permission from my parents. And you will need to ask your mother.”

“She’ll say yes,” Jim said quickly. Now that Spock mentioned it, Jim had to have it happen. Which was stupid, obviously. Because if Spock’s parents said no Jim was going to be crushed and he knew it.   

“Very well, but do ask and let me know. And I will do the same.”

Jim leaned over and kissed Spock. “With you along, it will be so much better.”

“Jim, they may say no.”

“I know. I just…I really want them to say yes.”

“T’hy’la,” Spock whispered, running his thumb down Jim’s cheek.

He closed his eyes. Tried not to think of June. When Spock would leave.

****

Amanda couldn’t help but smile as she watched the boys huddled together in the waiting room of the shuttle bay. Their heads were bowed together and they had eyes only for each other.

“They really do look sweet together,” Winona commented from the seat next to her. She was smiling. “Spock is good for Jim.”

Amanda hadn’t been particularly surprised when Spock had quietly asked to accompany Jim and Winona to the Starfleet Memorial service over the weekend. She had surprised Spock though when she’d said he could go but only if she accompanied him. Winona herself had readily agreed to the plan and the two boys had been thrilled. Well, as thrilled as her precious Vulcan son would show.

“Spock cares a great deal for Jim. He is very protective of him.”

“Is that the t’hy’la thing?”

Amanda didn’t bother to hide her surprise. ”You know about that?”

“Jim’s mentioned it in vague terms. I’m a research specialist. Or I was. So I investigated just what it was and what it entails.”

“His protectiveness is no doubt a lot of their bond, but Jim just brings out the need for Spock to take care of him, I think. They are well matched.”

“This is going to be a difficult trip for Jim. The memorial part anyway. I don’t think he even realizes it,” Winona said, watching her son. “He’s far more sensitive than he likes to let on. And though he never knew George, he’s seen pictures and video and heard the stories.”

“Have you gone to the ceremony before?”

Winona nodded. “Years now but yes. With my other son gone, I don’t know, I thought it was time for the two of us to go. Jim was dreading it until Spock agreed to come.”

“They are both anxious about being separated in June,” Amanda said carefully.

“Yes, I’m certain they are. But Jim has one more year of high school.” She shook her head. “I think he should finish here in Riverside where he’s gone to school for his whole life. I know the separation isn’t ideal for them and I know how teenagers in love are. It’s the end of the world. But really, it will only be a year, then Jim can go to Vulcan to see Spock if he wants. Even during Christmas vacation if it comes to that.”

 There was an overhead announcement.

Amanda rose. “And that’s our shuttle. Spock, Jim. Let’s go.”

****

“How are you doing, Spock?” Amanda asked her son, as she came over to sit by him for a moment. Winona had fallen asleep and so Amanda figured she didn’t need to keep Jim’s mother company.

Likewise Jim was asleep, resting his head on Spock’s shoulder. Spock was very carefully not moving.

“I am well, Mother.”

“I talked to Winona about Jim.”

“Oh?”

“I thought perhaps I could feel her out about Jim coming with us when we leave next month.” She held up her hand to stave on his interruption. “I had a whole speech about how I used to be a teacher prepared. But I never got the chance. She thinks he should finish school here, Spock.”

She saw the disappointed flash briefly in his eyes before he hid it. “It is logical to expect him to finish school in Riverside,” he replied.

“I suppose it is.”

“I do thank you for trying anyway.”

“You will get through it, Spock. You’ll be reunited with Jim before you know it.”

He nodded. ”I know. Still I cannot help but be concerned for Jim. He does not do well when left to his own devices.”

“Perhaps this will help him grow up a little?” Amanda patted Spock’s hand. “She mentioned him possibly visiting during his Christmas break.”

“That would be agreeable.”

Amanda noticed Jim was starting to stir, so she rose, squeezed Spock’s shoulder and moved back to sit beside Winona once more.

****

“Hello, Jim,” Spock said softly as his t’hy’la opened his eyes and smiled. “We are about to land in San Francisco.”

Jim smiled. “Sorry. I fell asleep?”

“You did but there is nothing to be sorry for, ashayam.”

Jim yawned. Then leaned his head back on Spock’s shoulder. Spock closed his eyes and tried not to think of the future when he’d be back on Vulcan…alone.


	21. Part One Conclusion:  You Opened Up Your Heart

It was over.

Spock was leaving.

And Jim was trying very hard not to cry.

He’d told himself he would be prepared for this. Actually he’d been telling himself when he had first met Spock all those months ago at the beginning of the school year.

_‘Don’t get too attached, Jim. Nobody sticks around. Not with you.’_

But this was Spock. And Spock was t’hy’la. It was all encompassing. Jim finally had someone who would love and care for him forever.

He’d tried to put the day Spock would return to Vulcan way back into the back of his mind. But now it was here and he couldn’t pretend anymore.

“We will see each other again soon,” Spock said softly.

“Not that soon,” Jim whispered.

They were standing just outside of Spock’s home. Former home. It was just going to go back to an empty rental until someone else lived there. Someone who was not Spock, Amanda, and Sarek. Jim wasn’t sure he could ever pass this house again.

Spock was holding him. Something Jim knew he could never openly do on Vulcan when Jim finally got to go there. But it wasn’t close enough. Jim burrowed himself further into Spock, trying to absorb as much of Spock as he could.

“I know you can be brave for me.” Spock kissed the top of Jim’s forehead. “You are braver than anyone I know.”

Which was why he held back the tears. He didn’t want to disappoint Spock by showing just how wrecked he really was. Spock was his first…everything. First and only. Forever and Always. Touching and Touched.

“Yes, ashayam,” his Vulcan said. “All those things.”

“I’m going to miss you.”

Spock pulled back enough to frame Jim’s face with his hands. “As will I miss you.”

“Every minute of every day of every month?”

Spock nodded. “And every second too.”

Jim swallowed the lump building in his throat. “And you’ll write me every day?”

“Yes.”

“Sometimes twice a day?” he asked hopefully.

Spock’s eyes were almost unbearably soft as he gazed at Jim. “Whenever you need it.”

“I know I’m being illogical.”

“Perhaps,” Spock acknowledged. “But you are human and therefore you cannot help it.”

Jim would laugh but he was just too upset to find any humor in it. He leaned his forehead against Spock’s. “I love you.”

“I cherish thee, t’hy’la. And I always will.”

“Spock?” Amanda’s voice coming out gently like a breeze blowing through them, parting them. “It’s almost time. Your father is waiting.”

“We will be together soon. We will never be truly parted. I promise, Jim.”

“I know. The bond.”

“The bond, yes.” Spock put his hand on Jim’s chest over his heart. “But here.” Spock moved his hand to his own side. “And here. Our hearts link us too. We are one.”

Jim crushed his lips to Spock’s. After what seemed an eternity yet not long enough, he pulled away. Stepped out of Spock’s arms and turned to Spock’s mother.

“I’ll miss you, too.”

Amanda wrapped her arms around him and hugged him tight. “It won’t be long. We’ll all be reunited soon. You’ll get to see Vulcan and you’ll be with Spock again.”

She stroked his hair and released him, turning to her soon. “Ready?”

Jim got a stray thought from Spock that he would never be ready and overpowering anguish. Spock did not want to leave him, he was worried.

“Hey.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and squeezed. “I’ll be all right.”

Spock squeezed back. “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Jim watched as Spock turned away and followed after his mother. They walked to their hover car where Sarek was seated waiting. Earlier he had bid goodbye to Jim with the ta’al.

He still refused to cry. He would not. Not in front of Spock or his family. He did hug himself, he could not stop himself from that small act. As they pulled away to go to the shuttle bay, Jim stood watching for a long time.

He could have gone with them to see them off at the shuttle, but saying goodbye here had seemed more private.

When he was sure he could no longer even see a trace of them, he let the tears fall.

****

Jim woke in the middle of the night, gasping for air. He clutched his chest.

Nothing but a bad dream.

But—

He got out of bed and walked over to the window. There was light shining outside from the windows below him. His mother was up?

He turned and took a step, stumbling slightly. He felt suddenly dizzy. His hand went to his side.

_Spock?_

Jim searched his mind but it was oddly quiet. Not…empty exactly. But cold and dark in a way it had not been since Spock had discovered their t’hy’la bond.

He tried to pull something up. But he knew he didn’t know that much about it. Spock had tried to teach him some things but not all. And since they hadn’t gone through a formal ceremony and wouldn’t until Jim made it to Vulcan—

_Spock?_

There was no answer. Nothing.

Jim left his room and took the stairs two at a time. His mother sat at the dining room table, staring at the PADD in front of her. Her eyes were wet and red. She looked up startled.

“Jim?”

He curled his fingers into the palms of his hands. “What is it?”

“Honey, you should go back to bed. We’ll talk in the morning.”

He took a step closer. “No.”

“Jim…please.”

Dread sat in his stomach, hard and twisted and burning. “What is it?”

Her lips quivered. “Jim.”

“Mom, you’re scaring me. Please. Just tell me.”

“There’s been an accident,” she whispered, her voice breaking. “The-the shuttle that Spock and his family were on crashed on M16. Mechanical failure.”

Jim took that in. Or tried to. It was like a switch in his head wavered. He took a step closer. His body was starting to shake. And yet he felt almost numb.

“Injuries?”

“There-there were no survivors,” she said hoarsely, stuffing her hand into her mouth, her eyes wide and bloodshot.

The switch flicked off. His mind went blank.

“But Spock promised.”

“Jim, honey, I’m sorry.” She came toward him, arms outstretched.

“Spock promised.”

“Jim?”

“Spock promised.”

“Jim, please, you-why won’t you let me hug you? Jim?”

“Spock promised.”

“Jim!” She started shaking him. “Jim, stop it. You’re scaring me. Jim!”

“Spock promised.” 

  ****

“Are you sure about this, Mrs. Kirk?”

Winona turned away from gazing out the window of the psychiatric facility. “Yes.”

“There are risks.”

“I’m aware of those. They told me the risks.”

“So you are certain you want us to erase your son’s memories?”

She took a deep breath, then nodded. “Yes. It’s for the best.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the end of Part One, which was called You Opened Up Your Heart. If you haven't heard the Siah song, Forever, I recommend it.
> 
> Part Two will begin with the next chapter.
> 
> I can honestly say when I started this story, it was going to end with Spock leaving Jim and returning to Vulcan. But as the story progressed I wanted to tell more of a story than I originally planned.
> 
> The boys had many sweet moments together in this part of the story but their journey toward love continues. 
> 
> I hope you will join me for Part Two. It won't be fluff, but I hope it will be worth it.


	22. Part Two: You are My Star

**Prologue**

Winona watched her son sleep. She’d been told they would not know how successful the operation had been until Jim woke up.

She reached down to caress his cheek. He looked so fragile and pale. And not for the first time she wondered if she had done the right thing. Something she had wondered about Jim’s entire life.

_“This procedure is not without risk, Mrs. Kirk. He could lose all his memories. Including his remembrance of you,” the doctor explained._

_“I understand.”_

_“There is a possibility of brain damage.”_

_Her breaths shorted in her lungs. “How large a possibility?”_

_“It’s a small one, but it’s not negligible. It could also not take and his memories remain.”_

_Winona hugged herself. “Anything else?”_

_“It may not be permanent. He could regain memories with certain triggers. And it could occur years from now.” He frowned. “This is all quite preliminary. Ordinarily I wouldn’t suggest it for someone as young as your son.”_

_“Why are you then?”_

_“James is catatonic. We’ve tried everything we could to bring him out of it and nothing seems to work. His psychotic break was severe. Mrs. Kirk, even now, there is a possibility that even if he wakes up, his catatonia may remain.” The doctor hesitated. “Have you considered bringing him to Vulcan to have his bond severed?”_

_“In the beginning, yes,” Winona admitted. “But I was assured with Spock’s death the bond has already been severed. They offered to examine Jim’s mind, but they were reluctant since their healers are experts with Vulcans not Humans.”_

_“I’ll give you some time to think about it.”_

_She shook her head. “I want to do it.”_

_“Nevertheless, I will give you time to consider all the ramifications. I’ll be back.”_

And when he had come back, Winona had still chosen to have the procedure performed.  But now watching as her youngest child lay frail and vulnerable, Winona was filled with doubts. Someday if Jim regained his memories, he might never forgive her for what she had done.

God she needed a drink.

She had not touched any alcohol since having to tell Jim the terrible news. The sight of her strong, beautiful young son losing his mind would haunt her forever. If this was what Vulcan bonds did, then she could see why it was usually kept between Vulcans and not shared with other species.

There had been no one to help her make such a monumental decision. Her former husband, Frank, was long gone and thankfully so, her own parents had passed away, George’s too. Even Sam had left with Aurelan and his contact with his family had been sparse at best. She had only Jim, and selfish or not, she would not have him taken from her. And certainly she could not let his mind shut down and shut her out.

It was three days before she saw Jim’s eyelids flutter. She’d spent nearly every waking minute in his room. And when she had been unable to keep her eyes open, she had slept in a chair in the room.

“Jim?” she whispered, watching his face carefully. “Jim? It’s Mommy. Can you hear me?”

The lashes lifted, lowered, then lifted again. Blue eyes so like George’s appeared in his pale young face that her heart leapt into her throat.         

“Hey, baby,” she said, smiling through her tears.

“Mom?” His voice sounded hoarse from non-use.

“Yes, it’s me,” she said, hand going to her breast. Relief at him recognizing her made her lightheaded.

“Where am I?” he turned his head to the right and then the left. “A hospital?”

“Yes. But you’re getting so much better. You won’t be here long.”

“Did I get hurt?”

“You did.” She wiped her eyes.

Jim frowned. “Can I sit up?”

“Sure. Yeah. Hang on.” Winona leaned down to work his bed, helping it to angle so Jim no longer laid flat. “I should go get the doctor to let him know you’re awake.”

“My head feels a little fuzzy.”

She swallowed, nodded. “What do you remember?”

“Uh. I don’t know. I don’t remember getting hurt. Where’s Sam?”

Winona exhaled. Jim didn’t remember Sam had left. “He’s not here right now, Jim. I’ll explain later, okay?”

“Yeah.”

“What do you remember, honey? Can you tell me your full name?” She pressed the button for the doctor.

“Sure. James Tiberius Kirk.”

“Where do you live?”

“Riverside, Iowa.”

“And how old are you?” she asked softly.

“Sixteen.” He gave her a quizzical smile.

“And what grade are you in school?”

“I’m just starting my junior year.” Jim frowned. “Is that right?”

Winona didn’t know she had been holding her breath until it whooshed out. “Well, actually, you’re beginning your senior year now. But we’ll talk about that later.”

“Senior?” He nodded. “Okay.”

“Do you know Amanda?” Winona did not want to mention the name Spock. First it was an unusual name and second she did not want to bring up any possible trigger.

He wrinkled his nose. “Should I? Is she someone at school?”

She was dizzy with relief. “Yes. Yes, that’s right. The doctor should be in soon, and then we’ll get you something to eat.”

****

Jim was quiet as they returned to Riverside. Winona had explained to him that they were at a psychiatric hospital, because she’d had to. There was no way to keep that information from him. But Jim believed his psychotic break had come from nightmares he continued to be plagued with from his time on Tarsus IV.

Winona had asked about having those memories erased as well, but the doctor said too much time had passed for those to be taken from Jim’s mind successfully.

“I can’t believe Sam’s gone,” Jim said softly as he preceded her into the farmhouse.

“He and Aurelan decided to go to New York,” she told him again. “They wanted to go to school there.”

“It’s gonna be weird with just the two of us.” Jim took his windbreaker off and hung it on the coat rack. “Well, at least it’s summer and I won’t have to shovel snow by myself for a while.” He smiled then.  

“Right! And you can have the laziest summer you want, Jim. You’re young. This is the time to enjoy it.” Winona went into the kitchen. “You want me to make something like spaghetti or order out?”

“Spaghetti sounds good.”

“I also think you won’t go back to that school in the fall,” she said carefully as she started taking pans out of the cabinet.

“No?”

“I think you can be home schooled for the last year. You’re well above all the other kids anyway. You could probably get your diploma now. In fact, probably could have gotten it years ago.” She ruffled his hair. “My little genius.”

“Mom.” Jim rolled his eyes.

“So, what do you think?” she asked as he moved away toward the living room.

“About what?”

“Not going back to school.”

“Oh. Yeah. It’s cool. I hate school anyway. Boring.” Jim reached down and picked something up he held in his hands.

Winona turned to see what he held and then sucked in a breath when she saw the little plastic Easter Egg resting in the palm of his hand. It had been in the Easter Basket Spock had given to him months ago.

Jim laughed. “What’s this doing out here? I haven’t seen one of these since I was a little kid.”

“Oh.” Winona shrugged nonchalantly. “I was cleaning out the basement the other day and it must have been in one of the boxes I took out.”

Jim tossed it in the air and then caught it as it came down. “Too funny.” He set it back down on the coffee table and then plopped down on the couch, leaning his head back, closing his eyes.

“You tired?”

“Yeah, a little. I’m just glad to be home. I hate the hospital.”

“I’m sorry, Jim. I know how much you hated it when you were there before.”

“I thought maybe I’d gotten beyond those dreams,” he said with a soft huff. “I hadn’t had one in a while. Or at least I don’t think I did.”

Winona felt a twinge of guilt. She was becoming good at lying. And it was nothing to be proud of. But she reminded herself it was for Jim’s sake. That’s what mattered. “Maybe something triggered it.”

“I guess so.”

“You want something to drink? Maybe some tea or something?”

“Yeah, but I’ll get it.” Jim unfolded himself from the couch and came into the kitchen. He went to the cabinet that held coffee, tea, and hot chocolate. He gripped a box and pulled it out. “Spiced tea?” He laughed. “Did you buy this, Mom?”

“Yes,” Winona replied, truthfully. She had bought it at Jim’s request, so that Spock would have something to drink when he came over. “It’s not very good though.” She took the box from him and tossed it in the trash. “Have regular.”

Jim nodded. “You want some, too?”

“I do, yeah.” Winona walked over to him and pulled him into her arms. “I’m so thankful to have you.”

Jim hugged her back, a little awkwardly. “Mom.”

“Oh, I know you think I’m a silly sap,” she said with a sniff. “Just…I’d do anything for you, Jimmy. Anything to keep you happy and safe.”

The water for the spaghetti started to boil over, so she released him with a smile and went to take care of it. She had her son back and he was well. That’s what mattered. She'd keep reminding herself of that until it was true. 


	23. There Lies Madness

Prologue 2 

The pain was severe. Excruciating even. His head had never hurt so much. There was overwhelming physical pain. So bad it made him dizzy. His vision blurred. But that was hardly the worst of it.

“Spock? Oh, you’re – you’re awake—”

He opened his mouth to say words, but it was so much effort. So much. He concentrated. The pain was so much. So much. “Mother?”

“Yes.  Oh God.” Mother’s face swam before him. He could feel blood oozing down his own face. Was she holding him? He couldn’t feel it. “Honey, don’t move. You-you have a severe head injury.”

Spock wondered if that accounted for all the pain. Physical, surely. Maybe. He searched for Jim. Faint. Very faint. But there. What was this…emptiness then? This—

 _Oh_.

Spock closed his eyes.

“Spock, I need you to stay awake. Stay awake for me.” Mother tensed. “They’re coming for us.”

“Rescuers?”

“No. Not rescuers.”

Spock tried to focus on her. “Who?”

“Our captors,” she said with a break in her voice. “They‘ve already taken some.”

“Captors?”

“Oh, Spock. They deliberately crashed our shuttle. And those that survived—” She broke off, seemingly unable to go on.

Spock swallowed. He tasted blood, which surely could not be good. “Father?” He made himself ask. He knew the answer and asked it anyway.

“He-he didn’t survive the crash, Spock.” She spoke so softly it might have been a whisper. “I’m so sorry.”

Somehow he gripped her hand though he was not sure how. “I grieve with thee.”

Mother bowed her head briefly. Then she raised her chin. “They’re coming.”

She helped him to sort of sit up and for the first time Spock saw that they were not alone and there were others in what seemed to be a shelter of some sort. He recognized Tellarites, Andorians, a Betazoid, and Ferengi among the survivors.  Then saw what he could only imagine were soldiers of a species he was not familiar with. They were tall, over seven feet each of them, with long vibrant blue hair and ridged foreheads, similar to Klingons, but not quite. They had bulging muscles and weapons Spock had never seen.

One of them shoved a weapon at the Betazoid woman. “We’ve got a Betazoid. Bring the inhibitor.”

Mother froze beside him, though he heard her small gasp.

Another one of the soldiers came holding some sort of headband that lit up with controls and wires. Spock watched in horror as they placed it on the Betazoid, who shrank in fear. They then pulled her to her feet and shoved her in the direction of the exit.

One by one they took the survivors out of the shelter. Spock and his mother were in the back, but eventually one of them turned to look in their direction.

The soldier tilted his head and then took three steps toward them. “A Vulcan?”

The way he said it filled Spock with dread. He tried to put up his shields but his mind was damaged both from the injury and the loss of his father’s bond.

“Bring another inhibitor,” the solder called out.

“No,” his mother whispered, echoing his own thoughts. “No,” she said louder. “You mustn’t.”

The soldier came near, shoving his weapon at Spock’s mother.

“Do not,” Spock said in a rush, struggling to put himself in front of her.

“No, Spock! Your head.” She put her hand on his arm. “Please. He’s injured. His head needs attending to.”

“When he is brought to our destination our healers will attend to his wounds,” the soldier said. “In the meantime, you will be silent.”

Another soldier walked up with the same headband they’d put on the Betazoid.

“What-what is the purpose of this?” Spock made himself ask.

“As a Vulcan, you are a telepath. We will not allow that. You will wear the inhibitor at all times.”

“No!” Mother protested. “You don’t understand. That contraption will drive him insane. He needs—”

“Silence!”

They descended on Spock with such rapid speed he was unable to defend himself. If he could have with his injury and his worry for leaving his mother alone should they kill him. They shoved the inhibitor onto his head, tightened it and then pressed a button on one of their belts.

All of Spock’s links, his mother’s, his family, Jim’s…went blank. As though they had been unplugged. There was nothing. The pain of the loss of his father was gone and in its place…a hole. He felt nothing. Thought nothing.

Overwhelming darkness.

Spock and his mother were yanked to their feet. He stumbled and nearly fell but one of the shoulders kept him upright.

There was no logic. No logic.

“Spock? Spock?” Mother called frantically. “Are you all right? Spock, can you speak?”

“We have no time for that. Let’s go. You two are the last ones.”

“Where are you taking us?”

“To our planet. Where you will work in our mines.”

“Work?” Mother whispered.

“Yes. You are to be slaves who will build many cities, many structures.” A weapon was pushed at Spock’s side. “Come, slave.”

They were led from the shelter to a ship where the others had been loaded. Mother kept casting glances at Spock, but he could not form the words to allay her concern. Everything was so muted, so wrong.

No logic.

No bond.

Nothing. A void.

_Father._

_Jim._

No logic.

Spock felt himself being roughly grabbed and then his sleeve pushed up and some sort of brand stuck to the inside of his forearm. He felt nothing.

“You are Slave 408.”

He was shoved onto the ship and knocked to his knees.

“You will sleep now.” A soldier touched the top of Spock’s head and felt himself fall as he heard his mother’s scream.


	24. Time Washes Clean Love's Wounds Unseen

**Six Years Later**

“Think fast!” Jim tossed an apple at his friend, Bones, who easily caught it. Without looking up from the PADD he was scrutinizing. Jim laughed as he sat across from him. “Good job.” Jim took the apple from Bones and took a bite.

“Morning,” Bones muttered.

“What has you all sour? I mean more than usual.” Jim nudged Bones with his foot.

Bones looked up with a scowl. “For starters the results came out for that last test I took.”

“You didn’t pass?”

“Of course I passed. But I didn’t get the top score.”

Jim rolled his eyes. “Second place?”

Bones just grumbled. “Is that all you’re eating?”

“No. I had an energy drink first thing.”

“You need more nutrition than liquefied kale and juice. Especially with the workouts you do.”

Jim grinned. “Have to keep fit. We’re going to be up there—”

“In space. I know.” His gaze flicked back to his PADD.

“What are you looking at anyway?” Jim reached for the PADD and turned it toward himself. He scanned the contents. He frowned, his gaze rising to Bones. “A rescue mission?”

“Yeah. A freighter found evidence that there were hundreds of slaves being kept on the planet, Zyra. According to the crew they didn’t have the capacity to try for a rescue so they contacted the Federation.”

Jim read the contents again. “Vulcans? Bones, they think there are Vulcans.”

“Yeah?” Bones shrugged. “There are several species they saw being held.”

“Well.” Jim licked his lips. “I-I just can’t imagine them doing very well as slaves.”

“Nobody likes to be a slave, Jim.”

“I know.” Jim blew his breath out. “They’re asking for volunteers.”

“With experience, Jim.”

“I have experience. So do you.”

“Experience? Damn it, Jim. You’re a first year.”

“I’ve already got a semester finished. Pike. I’ve heard of him. He’s supposed to lead the rescue mission.” Jim nudged Bones with his foot again. “They could use doctors, I bet.”

“Jim—”

“This is our opportunity to do something important. And we’re on break. I’m going to talk to Pike.”

Bones stared at him. “You actually think he’s going to take you with him?”

“Why not? I’m sure he’s heard of my dad.”

“Sure. But you aren’t your dad, Jim.”

“I know. Listen, Bones, I don’t know why, but I have to be part of this rescue mission. I just have to.”

“Why?”

Yeah, why?

But Jim couldn’t explain it. He just…he needed to be. He needed.

“Bones, I don’t know. I just…I have this feeling that there’s a reason for me to go. That I have to.”

His friend sighed and shoved his PADD into a book bag. “And if Pike says no to being a part of the rescue mission? What then?”

Jim shook his head. “He won’t.” He stood and reached down to pull Bones up. “Let’s go ask.”

****

“You’re just a kid,” Captain Christopher Pike said as he sat behind his desk staring at both Jim and Bones. “A first year.”

“I’ve had a semester,” Jim replied.

Pike snorted. “Oh. Excuse me. You’ve had a semester.”

Jim refused to squirm under his scrutiny. “My test results—”

“Are off the charts, yes, I am aware, Jim.”

“I was the top—”

“In all your classes. Yes, I know that too. Your _semester_ of classes.”

“Sir, I can do this.”

Pike studied him closely. “I was friends with your father, you know. Your mother too. I knew them both. How is your mother by the way?”

“She’s fine, sir.”

Captain Pike glanced at Bones. “You on board with this, McCoy?’

Bones glanced at Jim briefly, then back to Pike. “I’m on board, Captain.”

“The rescue mission is expected to take up the entire semester break, gentlemen. Meaning you won’t have much of a recovery period, either physically or mentally should it be necessary, before you are due back at the academy. And no excuses will be taken should you fail to come back on time for whatever reason.”

“Would we be expelled, Captain?” Jim asked.

“No, but you would be held back which would go on your record.”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

“You still want to go?”

“More than ever, sir.”

“You really want a piece of the action that badly, Jim?” Pike asked.

“Yes, sir.” It didn’t matter why anyone thought he was going. Because he wanted action, to be in space, because he was a brash idiot. Whatever. Jim just knew he had to be there. Because of Vulcans. He held his breath.

“Ship leaves at 0400 hours, gentlemen. Don’t be late. We won’t wait for you.”

“We’ll be there.”

Bones sighed. “Yes, we will.”

****

No matter how much meditation Jim tried he was still unsettled. Restless. Jim didn’t know what made him decide to begin Vulcan meditation, but he’d gotten into it two years before joining the academy. He’d researched it, ordered supplies from a reputable dealer in Vulcan products, and just started doing it one day.

While living at home, he kept it to himself because he was fairly certain his mother wouldn’t like it, because any time Jim even mentioned the word Vulcan she got weird. He’d never thought before that she was xenophobic.

Bones knew he meditated, he just didn’t know it was as specific as Vulcan meditation.

Tonight though nothing was working. Nothing calmed the fire in his blood that he could not explain. The edgy feel.

When he saw the comm from his mother coming in, he shouldn’t be surprised. She seemed to sense whenever something was bothering him. They’d gotten very close his final years in high school. She hadn’t wanted him to join Starfleet but in the end she had offered him her support.

“Hey Mom.”

“Hi sweetie.” She smiled brightly. “I’ve been thinking about you.”

“I’m fine.” He watched the kitchen window behind her. “Is that snow I see?”

“Yes. It started a short time ago. Probably will still be snowing when you get here. What time does your shuttle leave?”

“Uh.” Jim sat down heavily on his bed.

She frowned. “What’s uh mean?”

“I’m not coming home on break, Mom.” Jim blew out a breath. “I signed up for a mission.”

“A mission? Jim, you’re a first year cadet.”

“It’s a volunteer mission. It’s not expected to be dangerous. All that dangerous. It’s being commanded by Christopher Pike.”

“Pike? What is this mission? And why did you do this before checking with me?”

“Mom, I’m not a kid anymore. I don’t need your permission,” he spoke more sharply than he intended.

“I didn’t say you needed my permission. Jim, I was looking forward to seeing you, to spending time together.”

“I know.” Jim did feel guilty. He did. And the truth was he hadn’t even thought about her at all. Which was probably bad. “I wanted to do this. For the experience.”

“What is this mission?” she asked again.

“A rescue mission. Slaves on the planet, Zyra.”

“A rescue mission?” Her voice rose. “That sounds dangerous, Jim.”

“It’s not. I’ll be helping with the captives once they’ve been freed. I won’t have anything to do with actual combat.” Unfortunately. But Pike had made that clear.

“Well.” Her gaze lowered. “Doesn’t seem like there is much I can say to change your mind.”

“I’m sorry. After next semester I’ll come for sure.”

“Don’t make promises you don’t intend to keep, Jim.”

“Mom—”

“Contact me when you’re back.” She disconnected.

“Shit.” Jim just hoped she wouldn’t start drinking again. It would be his fault if she did. He knew it would be. But he had to do this.


	25. A Rescue

“Kirk, James T., you go to the left down that tunnel to see if there are any slaves left that way,” Ensign Burke told Jim, pointing to the left. “McCoy, come with me.”

“Has this tunnel already been checked?” Jim wondered. So far they hadn’t given him much to do and the truth was, Jim was getting frustrated. He got that he was just a cadet and they weren’t going to put him into too much of a dangerous situation, but he had hoped—

“Once and we rescued ten slaves from there, but we don’t want to leave anyone behind, so check again. Report your findings in no more than thirty minutes, Cadet.”

“Yes, sir.”

Jim exchanged a look with Bones, who nodded encouragement and then followed Ensign Burke to the right.

So far Jim hadn’t seen a single Vulcan and he began to think the reports of Vulcan slaves had been false. He couldn’t deny he was not exactly disappointed but…unsettled. He passed several empty cells, already cleared out apparently, but he paused over a few. Life forms had been held here against their will, forced to work for a place to sleep like this, for food that was likely mere scraps.

Jim shook his head and moved on down the tunnel, looking in every cell for signs of anyone that may have gotten missed.

“Hello? Is anyone here?” Jim called out. “Anyone? We’re here to rescue you.”

Jim froze as he heard a sort of clang in the distance.

“Hello?”

Jim kept walking, finding empty cell after empty cell. With a frown he came to the end of the tunnel.

“Hello?”

Clanging again.

Jim’s eyes widened. “Fuck.”

It was coming from behind the tunnel wall. Jim pressed the wall in several places, cursing that they wouldn’t let him have a phaser.

He kept feeling along it until he came to a part that seemed hollow. After a few times of pressing the area, a panel opened up. It took Jim a few tries to hack into it but when a hidden door slid open, Jim pumped his fist in triumph.

There was only one cell back behind this secret door and immediately the hair on the back of Jim’s neck stood up. He cautiously approached.

“Hello?”

In the corner of the cell was a hunched over male, head bowed. Jim immediately saw that there was some contraption on his head.

“Are you okay?” Jim asked, though he realized it was likely a stupid question.

The man’s head rose and Jim saw pointed ears almost hidden beneath his long hair. Jim sucked in a breath.

“I’m going to get you out of there,” Jim vowed.

He got the cell opened and the Vulcan continued to stay huddled in the corner, eyes downcast.  He wore a sleeveless tunic like most of the other slaves Jim had seen and he had bulging muscles.

Jim crouched down next to him. He eyed the thing on the Vulcan’s head. It looked monstrous. Jim had no idea what it was but he intended to get it off the Vulcan’s head. He just had to.

Jim put his hands on it. The Vulcan backed away.

“No, no. I’m going to help you,” Jim said soothingly.

It took him several minutes to figure it out, but eventually it made a sort of hissing sound and released and Jim lifted it off his head.

He heard a low growl coming from the Vulcan just before he found himself lying flat on his back. Dark, crazed eyes stared at him from a dirt streaked face. His hair was long and soiled with oil. His whole body vibrated with the rumbles coming from him.

“Hey, hey,” Jim protested. “Good guy. I’m here to help.”

The Vulcan leaned his head down close to Jim’s as he pushed himself into Jim’s neck, hot breath ghosting across Jim’s throat. A tongue flicked out.

“Wait, what are you doing?”

“Kirk, get away from that savage!”

Ensign Burke and two security guards burst into the cell and pulled the Vulcan off him. They yanked the Vulcan’s arms behind his back.

“Hey, there’s no need for that,” Jim protested, rising to his feet. “Don’t hurt him.”

“This is the one,” Burke announced. “He’s mad.”

“Mad?”

Jim turned as he heard others approaching.

Two more security guards and an older brunette human woman wearing the attire of the slaves.

“That’s him,” she exclaimed, rushing forward. “That’s my son.”

A guard stopped her. “Don’t get any closer, lady. He’s dangerous.”

“Dangerous? No. Spock? Spock? It’s Mother.”

The Vulcan bowed his head, looking down at the ground.

“Let me go to him,” the woman insisted. Then she suddenly stared at Jim. She went very pale. “Jim?”

Jim blinked at her. “Huh?”

“It is you! How did you—?”

Spock, if that was his name, suddenly broke free of the guards and headed straight for Jim. He looked angry and crazed as he reached for Jim. “Mine.”

He had just seized Jim’s arms when a guard fired a phaser at him.

“No!” the woman yelled.

The Vulcan, Spock, fell to the ground, stunned. The woman knelt beside him, holding on to his head and shoulders to support him.

“Kirk, get out of here. Report back to the ship,” Burke ordered. “We’re returning to Earth with those we rescued.”

“What about him?”

“He’ll return too. But he’s no concern of yours. Go on. That’s an order, Cadet.”

Jim bit his lip, nodded, and exited the cell. His head had begun to pound with the beginnings of a bad headache.  


	26. Memory Comes When Memory's Old

“I’m sorry, ma’am, but Captain Pike thought this was the best place for him. He’s dangerous.”

Jim ducked behind a corner as he watched the woman, who claimed to be the Vulcan, Spock’s mother, speak to the security guard who stood outside the cell of the brig. The Vulcan was there, presently. Seated on a bed with his hair bowed and his long hair in his eyes.

“Dangerous? He’s not dangerous, Ensign.”

“He attacked several members of security when he came to after we transported him to the ship, ma’am.”

“He just doesn’t know where he is,” she said with all the patience of a saint, in Jim’s opinion. “He’s frightened. He needs his family, not to be locked up in the brig like a prisoner. Hasn’t he had enough of that for these six years?”

Jim completely agreed with her. When he’d learned that Spock had been put in the brig, he had been appalled and said so to Bones.

“He was a slave held against his will. Why would they imprison him?”

“I guess he got violent. Jim, he’s not in shackles. He’s being treated well.”

“It’s still a damn cage, Bones. He’s not an animal on exhibit.”

And yet from what Jim could see right now that was exactly what he was. And it plainly sucked.

“I’m sorry, ma’am. You’ll have to take it up with Captain Pike.”

The woman approached the glass and leaned her forehead against it. “Spock.”

He looked up briefly, staring at her, but then bowed his head once more. He’d been cleaned up at least. Jim noted. Given clean clothes to wear. He clutched his hands together like he wished they were around someone’s throat though. And even from where Jim stood he radiated tension.

“You bet I’ll take it up with Pike,” the woman said, turning away from the glass and giving the ensign a baleful glare. She headed down the corridor and Jim was glad she hadn’t come in the direction he hid.

After a moment of staring at the Vulcan, the ensign shook his head and disappeared down the opposite way from where the woman had gone.

No one else seemed to be around. Jim bit his lip and made his way to the cell.

He placed his hand against the glass. “Hey.”

Spock looked up with such speed Jim was surprised he didn’t hurt himself. His dark eyes widened at the sight of Jim.

“Spock, right?”

Spock stood and rushed to the glass on the other side of where Jim stood. His eyes were wild, frantic as he reached his hand to where Jim’s was. Jim almost jumped back but quelled his fear just before he did. Spock did not look like he intended to hurt Jim.

“I’m sorry you’re in there. It’s not fair after all you’ve been through.”

Spock just stared at him with an intensity that ought to scare the crap out of him.

“Do you even understand me?”

Jim spread his fingers against the glass and Spock mirrored the gesture. The pads of their fingers would be touching if there was no glass between them.

“I don’t speak Vulcan.”

“T’hy’la.” It was low, a whisper that almost was nothing.

Jim frowned. “What? Did you say something?”

“Cadet, get away from there. You aren’t supposed to be in this area. It’s restricted.” The ensign from before had returned. He stood with hands on hips.

“I’m just visiting him. I was the one who found him.”

“I don’t care. I have my orders.” The Ensign grabbed Jim’s arm. “Go on. Beat it.”

Spock growled low.

They both looked up startled.

Jim did jump back when Spock threw himself violently against the glass, snarling. The security guard pushed Jim behind him as he pulled out his communicator.

Spock threw himself harder against it, causing a great crack down the middle of the glass to appear. Jim had never seen such strength.

“I need backup in the brig. The Vulcan’s gone crazy. He’s breaking the glass.” The ensign shoved at Jim. “Get out of here. It’s too dangerous for you.”

Jim turned to leave, even as Spock’s noises became mournful cries. Jim rushed out, almost running into guards as they hurried toward the brig.

He’d made it into the turbolift when excruciating pain exploded in his head. He sagged to the floor.

****

“It’s all right. You’re all right. Can you see me?”

It was a kind voice. Unfamiliar.

Jim struggled to open his eyes.

“Cadet Kirk? Jim, right?”

Jim focused on the older man with bright green eyes. “Yeah. Who are you?”

“Doctor Boyce, son. You’re in the sickbay.”

“Sickbay?”

Dr. Boyce smiled. “That’s right. You were found unconscious in the turbolift. Can’t say I blame you. We’ve all had a bit of excitement. How’s your head, son?”

He helped Jim to sit up.

“Uh, hurts a little. But not like before.”

“That’s good. I gave you something for the pain. I’ve got your friend Leonard here. Dr. McCoy? He’s awake.”

Bones suddenly appeared by Jim’s side. “Thanks. He’s going to be all right, yes?”

Boyce nodded. “He’s fine. Probably a little dehydrated though. And a tad malnutritioned. You can go, Jim. ”

“I’ll see that he eats something.” Bones frowned at Jim. “What happened to you?”

“I guess I collapsed or something.” Jim stood and let Bones grab his arm and lead him from the sickbay. “Where are we going?”

“The mess. I meant it when I said I’d see you ate something. Where’d you disappear to anyway?”

“I went to see Spock.”

“The Vulcan? Why?”

“He shouldn’t be in the brig, Bones. He hasn’t done anything wrong.”

“That’s not what I heard. I just heard he broke the glass in his cell.”

“Because he doesn’t want to be there. Can you blame him? He just got rescued and he’s still being held captive. It’s bullshit.”

“Pike is doing it for the safety of the crew. _And_ the Vulcan.”

“I don’t think he’s dangerous.”

“And you know that how?”

“I just do, Bones. There’s something…I don’t know. I swear he’s familiar. Like maybe I knew him before.”

“You are oddly fascinated by Vulcans.” Bones gestured for Jim to go into the mess room first. “So what? You knew him in a previous life or something? Because I doubt you’d forget him if you _had_ actually known him.”

“Yeah, that’s too hard to believe. I couldn’t forget him.” Jim followed Bones to the replicators.

“We should be back on Earth tomorrow and ready to start the next semester. Whatever happens to the Vulcan is not your concern.”

“Yeah.” Jim nodded. “I guess. Except—”

“Except nothing.” Bones handed him a plate of food that included salad, fruit, spaghetti, pizza, and pudding.

“You expect me to eat all that?”

“Doctor’s orders.”

Jim sighed and followed Bones to a table.

_Jim_.

Like a soft whisper.

But Bones hadn’t opened his mouth and no one else was around. What the fuck? He shook his head and picked up his fork to eat.


	27. You Can Lay Your Head Back on the Ground, and Let Your Hair Fall All Around Me

Jim held back as he watched Dr. Boyce working on the injured leg of a lieutenant. He didn’t want to interrupt, especially since he probably shouldn’t be there in the medbay.

He was there on impulse anyway. He hadn’t been able to sleep. He often had trouble with that for a number of reasons he saw no point in dwelling on, but he simply could not turn off his mind no matter how much he tried and he finally snuck out of the quarters he’d been given along with other cadet volunteers. He’d been surprised when no one, even Bones, had stirred.

Boyce spoke gently to the lieutenant, who apparently had burned her leg when a panel had sparked. He gave her some topical ointment to take with her and she exited the medbay.

Boyce turned toward Jim with a smile, which had been his first indication the doctor had even noticed him.

“Hello Jim. Still feeling poorly?”

“No, sir.” Jim bit his lip and swallowed heavily. “I-I wondered if you’d had a chance to examine the Vulcan that came with the slaves that were rescued.”

Boyce wiped up the biobed where the lieutenant had been, sanitizing everything. “Sure did. Of course I did. I didn’t examine every last one of those that were rescued. Some of my staff did. But, yes, I did examine him.”

“Spock, right?”

“Right.” Boyce eyed Jim intently but not unkindly. “Come with me, Jim.”

Jim followed him to a small office. Boyce turned to the replicator there.

“Want something? I’m having a bit of green tea myself. Good for the health, you know.”

“That would be nice, thank you.”

“Have a seat, son.” Boyce obtained two cups of tea from the replicator and handed one to Jim. “Ever have green tea before?”

“Not that I recall. Mom’s not much of a tea drinker.” Jim tried not to think about how she was much more into booze. She’d changed from those days. Or he kept telling himself that anyway.

Boyce sat behind the desk and punched a few buttons on the terminal. “What’s your interest in the Vulcan, Jim?”

“I don’t really know,” Jim said honestly. “I mean, I’m the one that found him, so I guess there’s that. That’s normal, isn’t it? To want to know about someone you helped.”

Boyce gave him a kind smile. “It’s normal. I can’t really tell you much about his condition though, son. Privacy concerns between doctors and their patients.”

Jim sighed. “I didn’t think about that.”

“Understandable. I can advise you that he has a caring mother who is willing to do whatever it takes to see to his recovery.”

“He had a thing on his head when I found him. Do you know what that was?”

Boyce hesitated but he gave a sharp nod. “Vulcans are telepaths. They used those contraptions to control those like Vulcans or Betazeds.”

“That’s awful. Did it damage them?”

Boyce just stared at Jim, mouth closed.

“I know, you can’t tell me. But I think I know the answer anyway and that’s fucked up.” Jim’s stomach twisted with a sick coil.

“Listen, Jim, you’ve done all you can to help and that’s admirable. But there’s nothing you can do now but go back to the Academy and finish school. Whatever happens with Spock, it’s in others’ hands.” Boyce stood and Jim knew that was his cue to stand too.

He put the almost empty cup of tea on Boyce’s desk. “Thanks, Doc. I appreciate your time.”

“Sure thing, son.” Boyce smiled and walked Jim out of the medbay.

Aware that Boyce watched him, Jim headed down the corridor in the direction of the turbolift which would take him back to his quarters. But he stopped at the turbolift and waited for the swish of the medbay doors closing. Then he went to the conference room that was just to the right of the turbolift and accessed the computers there. It took him about ten minutes but he learned the location of where Spock was currently being held. And as he suspected it was a room just down from the medbay. According to his findings, there would be one guard stationed outside the room. Which was a problem.

He needed a distraction. Jim thought of Cadet Rand. She would distract any heterosexual male. And he knew where she was staying.

****

Even as Jim overrode the code to access Spock’s room—cell—he realized as the door slid open, the guard safely distracted by Janice, that Spock’s mother might be with him. And then how was he to explain his actions? He couldn’t really. But he just had to see Spock.

The room was dark as the door slid closed behind him. At first he heard nothing but the slamming of his own heartbeat against his chest wall.

“Spock?” he called softly.

He heard a mournful cry of surprise and then suddenly he found himself slammed against the bulkhead, rough callused hands upon his face. But they were gentle as they caressed his jaw and cheeks.

“T’hy’la,” Spock said hoarsely. The same word he had used earlier.

Jim swallowed heavily. “My-my name is Jim.”

“Jim.” Spock’s nose nuzzled into Jim’s throat, sniffing. “My Jim.”

He felt Spock’s tongue slip along his pulse point just before teeth sunk into the skin there.

“Hey, hey, no biting.”

Jim didn’t move. Didn’t think Spock would let him if he tried. For though his touch was gentle there was an underlying aggressiveness that startled Jim and maybe even scared him a bit.

Spock’s hand spread out on Jim’s face. He spoke Vulcan words so rapidly Jim could not catch them. His lips and teeth grazed Jim’s jaw.

“Uh. I-I have to go, Spock.”

“No!”

“Yes,” Jim whispered. “I shouldn’t even be in here. I just wanted to check on you. Make sure they didn’t hurt you. They didn’t, did they? Hurt you?”

“Hurt.”

Jim puffed out a breath. “I’m sorry if they did. You don’t deserve that.”

Spock nuzzled Jim’s neck.

“Spock…let me go.”

“Mine.”

“Spock, you have to let me go. Okay? Let me go.”

Spock made a little pitiful whimpering sound, but he released Jim and stepped back from the bulkhead.

Jim tried to calm his racing heart. “I’ll find you. On Earth. I’ll find you. I promise.”

Spock’s head was bowed, his long hair and the darkness of the room hiding his features.

“I promise,” Jim vowed once more, heading for the door. He pushed the button and slipped out into the corridor. He could hear Janice’s voice and that of the guard just around the corner. He knew he owed her.

He ran for the turbolift.

When he made it back to his room, Bones rose from his bunk and stared at him.

“Where’d you go?”

Jim patted Bones’ arm. “Just for a walk. Couldn’t sleep.”

“You smell all spicy or something,” Bones said with a note of suspicion in his voice. “You hook up?’

“No.” Jim laughed and rolled his eyes. “I was talking to old man Boyce if you must know.”

“About what? You feel bad? Jim, you could have woke me up.”

“No. I wanted to ask about the Vulcan.”

“What for?”

“Because-because there’s something about him, Bones. I know it. I just don’t know what. And he keeps calling me his.”

“Cause he’s bat shit crazy, Jim.”

Jim lay on his own bunk. “I don’t know. Maybe.”

“No maybes about it. Go to sleep and forget about him.”

Jim attempted to do just as Bones suggested but he ended up staring at the ceiling and wondering why he felt all jittery and wanted to see Spock again. Right away. But this time, he resisted. For the moment.


	28. Can't Keep My Hands to Myself

Jim stopped in the docking bay as he watched Dr. Boyce, Captain Pike, a couple of security guards, Spock’s mother, and Spock head off in the opposite direction.

Bones stopped walking and looked back toward him. “Jim?”

“Where do you think they’re taking him?”

“Who?”

“Spock. The Vulcan.”

Bones followed his gaze. “Starfleet Hospital according to Boyce. And then Vulcan.”

“Vulcan?” Jim bit his lip.

“For the healers there. Besides he _is_ Vulcan, Jim. And apparently that’s where they were headed all those years ago when they were captured by the slavers.”

“Wow. But his mother is Human.”

“Father was Vulcan. Guess he died in the shuttle crash.”

Jim took a step forward in the direction they’d gone. Bones grabbed his arm.

“What do you think you’re doing?”

“I…nothing.” Jim shook his head to clear it. He turned back around. Forced a smile. “Let’s go. I’m exhausted, hungry, and I need a shower.”

“Now you’re talking. Let’s stop at Graviella’s for their pizza on the way.”

“Deal.”

****

“Bones? You awake?”

“No.”

“Bones?”

But there was no further answer and Jim thought he heard soft snoring. Jim sat up and looked around the dark room. He couldn’t sleep. And he had a belly ache from the greasy pizza they’d had anyway.

Jim pulled on jeans and a buttoned down shirt. He stared at Bones. Then over to where Bones left his jacket. He stepped over to it and stuck his hand in the pockets.

_There._

Jim grabbed his own coat and left the dorm.

The streets were quiet as he made his way to the hospital. There were a few stragglers here and there, it was never completely empty, but it was three in the morning.

As always there was plenty of activity at the hospital but Jim managed to learn through some hacking and some excessive flirting that Spock was in the psych ward. He hated the sound of that.

There were guards outside Spock’s door and for a moment Jim panicked. If he got caught, his Starfleet career could be over. And what if Spock’s mother was in there with him? How would he explain himself?

But he couldn’t stay away. He had to see Spock. Just had to.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Leonard McCoy,” Jim said approaching the guards and thrusting the credentials at them. “I was assisting Dr. Boyce on the Enterprise with the patient in this room. I’ve come to check on him.”

They looked at what Jim thrust at them and then handed it back to him.

“Go ahead, doctor. His mother just left. Said she’d be back in about thirty minutes if you’d like to talk to her,” one guard said.

Jim smiled, nodded, and opened the door.

If he got in trouble for this, and therefore got Bones in trouble, Bones would probably kill him.

Spock lay in a hospital bed. There was only a single light on in the room. There was a chair next to the bed upon which lay a blanket and a book. No doubt where Spock’s mom had been.

Jim approached the bed, right next to Spock’s head. They’d cleaned him up, Jim noticed, but left his hair long. Prior to Spock, Jim had never seen a Vulcan with long hair. Except in old drawings of ancient Vulcans who were said to be violent emotional beings.

His eyes were closed and he appeared to be sleeping. It gave Jim a chance to admire just how beautiful Spock was.

Somehow being near to Spock calmed him. He hadn’t realized how agitated he really was until that moment. He knew he was restless but now that he stood beside Spock he was at peace.

Weird.

Jim closed his eyes and sucked in a breath. He knew he couldn’t linger for long. He had to be out of there before Spock’s mother returned.

“Spock,” he whispered. He put his hands by Spock’s heart. Then he scooted over the hospital gown to expose Spock’s skin. He laid his head down over the Vulcan heart.

That such behavior was unusual did not stop him. He knew he was acting out of the ordinary.

He opened his eyes and realized Spock’s eyes were open and staring down at him.

Jim swallowed heavily.

“Hi.”

Spock did not reply, but his hands were shaking as he seized Jim and lifted him onto the bed to lie across Spock’s torso. His arms wrapped around Jim and locked him there.

God, he never wanted to leave.

Spock had moved Jim’s shirt aside so that his hands were on Jim’s bare skin. Wherever they had direct skin contact, Jim felt a strange yet comforting warmth.

He tilted his head back to look at Spock’s face.  Spock’s fathomless dark eyes were singularly fixated on him. Jim caught his breath and licked his lips.

“Jim,” Spock said the word softly, like a prayer.

Jim heard a voice outside the room and he jerked in Spock’s arms. “Shit. I have to go.”

 He made to move off of Spock but the Vulcan’s arms tightened around him with an unmistakable desperation. “No!”

“Spock. Please. I can’t get into trouble. Your mom’s gonna be back.”

“No,” Spock said again, more firmly.

Jim leaned up and rested his forehead against Spock’s. The harshness in Spock’s gaze softened instantly. “Spock. I need to go. Please?”

There was a definite hitch in Spock’s breath as his arms loosened from around Jim, allowing him to free himself and stand up from the hospital bed.

Jim touched his fingers to Spock’s face. “Thank you.” He was about to turn away, when on impulse he leaned down and fastened his lips to Spock’s. Spock cried out and tried to deepen the kiss, but Jim moved away. He had to leave or face the consequences.

He touched his fingertips to his tingling lips. He had no time to analyze it.

Without a backward glance, he slipped from the room.

The guards looked at him.

“Well?” one said.

“He’s doing fine,” Jim declared. “About as expected.”

As Jim walked away, the guard called after him, “Don’t you want to talk to his mother?”

****

Amanda returned to Spock’s room with a cup of strong coffee. She’s managed to choke down some food, too, and checked on the arrangements to transport herself and Spock to Vulcan.

She was surprised to see Spock awake.

“Jim.”

“What was that, sweetheart?’ She leaned in close to hear him.

“Jim. T’hy’la. Jim. Jim. Jim.”

Amanda nodded. It had to be a good sign that Spock was asking for Jim.

She had been so certain that the cadet she’d seen when Spock was rescued had been Jim Kirk. But he didn’t seem to know her. And she could be wrong. The cadet’s hair was a little darker than she remembered Jim having six years ago. And she hadn’t really gotten a good look at him before the guards had made him leave when Spock got upset.

But even if that cadet had not been Jim, she was certain Spock’s t’hy’la had to be out there. She would contact Winona Kirk and learn the whereabouts of her son.

She smiled at her own son, smoothing his forehead. “Yes. I’ll find him, Spock. I will.”


	29. Finding Jim Kirk

Amanda watched as Dr. Boyce leaned over her son to examine him. She stood to the side, trying to stay out of the way, but it was hard not to want to be close by his side.

_Spock._

No amount of trying to contact him through their limited family link seemed to work. With Sarek’s death, their family link had weakened significantly. Amanda knew it was likely because Spock only had his human parent now. Perhaps when they reached Vulcan the healers could repair it somehow. The time on the slave planet had destroyed her son. She had nightmares still herself.

She could only hope that if she could find Jim Kirk, he could somehow help Spock in ways no one else had been able to do. It was nearing the time for them to return to Vulcan, however, and she had been unsuccessful in reaching Winona Kirk. She hated to have to leave it until they were on Vulcan, but she acknowledged she might have to do so.

Dr. Boyce straightened and turned to Amanda with sympathy. “It’s as I thought, Amanda. There really isn’t anything more we can do for Spock here.”

Amanda tried to find a smile and failed. Dr. Boyce was very kind and quite capable, but what was wrong with Spock was beyond his knowledge.

“Have you made the arrangements to transfer him to Vulcan?” he asked gently.

“Yes. We’ll leave tomorrow afternoon.”

He came to her then and took her hands, squeezing them affectionately. “I’m certain it will be for the best.”

“Jim,” Spock moaned. “Jim.”

Dr. Boyce frowned. “Who is this Jim he keeps mentioning? He has spoken the name before.”

Amanda went to Spock and softly touched her fingertips to his cheek. “Jim Kirk.”

“Jim Kirk?”

The way he said it had Amanda’s gaze flying to him. “Yes. Do you know him?”

“Well, yes. Cadet Kirk was the one who rescued Spock on the slave planet.”

Amanda gasped, her hand going to her chest. “Then it was Jim I saw. But-but I don’t understand.”

“Amanda?”

“Dr. Boyce, do you know where Jim Kirk is?”

“Yes,” Boyce said. “Or I assume so. He’s likely on campus at the Academy. He has a dorm there.”

Amanda nodded, her heart pounding rapidly. “I must find him and bring him to Spock. Will you have someone stay with him?”

“I don’t understand.”

“I don’t either, really. But Jim is Spock’s bondmate and I need to find him before I can take Spock to Vulcan.”

****

“How do I look?” Jim asked Bones as he spun around.

Bones eyed him but he didn’t respond at first. Which was fine. Jim knew he looked spectacular.

He’d chosen a pair of black slacks that, if he did say so himself, made his ass look like it should be worshiped by the gods. Okay, maybe they were a little tight. He probably shouldn’t bend over much. He also wore a sea blue-green buttoned down shirt opened at the throat that went ridiculously well with his coloring, especially his eyes. His hair was combed perfection. His cheekbones were high and faintly pink giving him a healthy glow.

“You look like you’ll be the belle of the ball, Cinderella,” Bones finally said.

Jim grinned and twirled once more. “Thank you, thank you.”

“Seems like an awful lot of fuss though,” Bones grumbled. “It’s just dinner and a movie, isn’t it?”

“Well, sure. But it’s the first date, you know. And I want to make a good impression.”

“You’ve definitely done that.”

Jim smiled. “Thanks, Bones. I’d kiss you but you don’t go in for the mushy stuff.”

There was an insistent knock on their door.

“Here’s Romeo now.” Bones went to the door and opened it. “Oh. Hello. May I help you, ma’am?’

 “I hope so. I was told this was Jim Kirk’s dormitory.”

“It is. Jim?”

Puzzled, Jim came around the couch and over to the front door. There stood a petite lady with dark hair covered loosely by a headscarf.

“Oh. Hey. You’re Spock’s mother.” He scrunched up his face. “Right?”

Her eyes widened. Jim noticed Spock had her eyes. Or at least it seemed so. “Yes, I-I am Spock’s mother.”

“Is he all right? Has something happened to him?”

She stepped inside. She was rather openly staring at him, which was a little weird.

“You-you are Jim. I know it.”

“Um, yes?”

“The one who is from Riverside, Iowa.”

“Yes. Um…I’m sorry. I don’t know your name,” Jim admitted.

“But that’s not right.”

“Excuse me?”

“Ma’am, are you in distress?” Bones asked. “Maybe you should sit down, Ms.—”

“Amanda. Amanda Grayson.” She did allow Bones to lead her to a seat. She had gone very pale. “I don’t understand how you can’t know me, Jim.”

“Well, I do know you. I mean, sort of. You’re Spock’s mom. You were on the planet with him, weren’t you?” Jim softened his expression. “It must have been awful for you.”

“You have no idea,” Amanda said softly. “But we met before.”

“You and me?”

“Yes. And-and Spock.”

“I’m sorry?”

Amanda blew out a heavy breath, her hand still resting on her chest. “You and Spock knew each other in Riverside. In high school. We all knew each other.” She glanced at Bones. “Except you. I don’t know you.”

“Leonard McCoy, ma’am.”

“Pleased to meet you,” she whispered, her gaze returning to Jim’s. “You’ve definitely grown up. But it’s you. I’d know those blue eyes anywhere. And Spock knows, too.”

“Knows?” Jim felt like the whole world was tilting.

“You are his bondmate.”  


	30. Reunited Intimacies

“You sure about this, Jim?”

Jim stopped in the middle of his pacing outside the hospital room to give Bones a sideways look of incredulity. “Am I sure? Fuck, Bones, I’m not sure of anything.”

Bones leaned against the wall, his arms folded in front of his chest. “How do we even know any of this is true? You don’t know this woman. You said so yourself.”

“I-I don’t know. I don’t know anything. She says I do know her. And that I know Spock.”

“But she won’t explain, will she? All she says is she doesn’t understand any more than you do and that you have to see her son before they take him to Vulcan.” Bones scowled. “Jim, I don’t like this. Something’s not right.”

“I know. I know, Bones. But-but there’s something. I mean, God, from the moment we got onto that planet…didn’t you think it was odd I’m the one who found him? I mean if what she says is true, then maybe this bond or whatever made me find him.”

“First of all, that’s some fucking twisted mind control, and second of all, we have only her word there is a bond. You don’t remember getting mind linked to a Vulcan, remember?”

Jim resumed his pacing. “Yeah. I-none of that happened. Wouldn’t I know if it had?”

“Of course you would.”

“But, Bones, what would be her motive for lying?”

Bones sighed. “That I don’t know and can’t figure out.”

The door opened to the room and Jim stopped again, turning toward it. Dr. Boyce stood there.

“Can you come in now, Jim?”

Jim nodded. “Okay.”

When Bones went to follow, Boyce held up a hand. “Just Jim, Leonard. They think too many people at once will upset Spock.”

“Oh, that’s just great. You’re worried about him what? Freaking out and getting violent? And you’re just going to send Jim in there?”

“Sorry, Leonard, I have to think of Spock. And there’s already two guards in there in case something gets out of hand.” Boyce smiled. “I’m sure you understand.”

“Bones, it’s fine.”

“It isn’t fine, but I guess I got no say, so go on.”

Jim pressed his hand into his stomach. It was churning. And his heart. _Fuck_.

He blew out a breath and walked inside the room.

It had to be a mistake. It just had to be. There was no way he could be a bondmate to a Vulcan. But then there was the way Spock behaved around him. How could he explain that?

Spock, who had been sitting on the hospital bed, suddenly scrambled to his feet at the appearance of Jim. The guards who stood just inside the door immediately tensed.

Jim shot them a warning glance and then took several steps toward the bed. He noticed Amanda standing to the side of the room. “Spock?”

“ _Jim_.”

The word was spoken almost in a low growl and Spock rushed at him. He was suddenly pulled into a tight embrace, arms wrapped tightly around him, and Spock’s nose buried in Jim’s neck.

“Hey,” one of the guards yelled and began to advance on them. “We said no touching, freak.”

The guard grasped Jim’s shoulder and started to yank him away. Spock snarled and pulled Jim back and out of the reach of the guard.

“Stop it! Leave him alone,” Jim said, angrily. He looked at Boyce. “Get these assholes out of here. They aren’t helping.”

“Jim--”

“Do it,” Jim said sharply, even as Spock held on to him again. “I’m fine. Spock isn’t going to hurt me. And if you send any other guards back here, make sure it’s not these Neanderthals.”

Jim turned back to Spock, ignoring all other occupants of the room. Spock was back to nuzzling him and letting off a soft rumbling noise similar to a purr.

“See?” Amanda whispered to Boyce. “I told you. He needs Jim.”

Jim felt his shirt being pushed up and Spock’s hands slipped under to fasten to Jim’s bare skin.

“Can you leave us alone?” Jim asked them.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Boyce spoke up. “He’s unstable and there’s no telling what he might do.”

“No, Jim is right. Spock would never ever harm Jim. I know this.”

“You can stay right outside. I’ll yell if I need help."

Boyce protested again but Amanda took hold of his arm and ushered them out of the room.

Jim felt Spock relax against him. He went to pull away just a little but Spock whimpered and clutched onto him.

“I’m not going anywhere, okay? I’m not. I just. I need to breathe, okay?”

Very slowly, obviously reluctantly, Spock’s grip eased enough so that Jim could put about an inch between them. Spock was now watching him with wary dark eyes.

He attempted a smile. “See? Better.”

“Do not.”

“Do not what?”

“L-Leave.” Spock’s voice cracked on the word, and the broken sound made Jim’s heart hurt.

“I won’t,” Jim promised. “You’re still touching me.” Jim carefully lifted his hand to Spock’s jaw and spread his fingers over it. The Vulcan trembled. “I’m touching you, too. It’s all good, right.”

“Before,” Spock whispered.

“I left before?” Jim guessed.

A slight nod.

“On the ship and here in the room before?”

A nod again.

“I did, yes. But not this time.” Jim had no idea what he was even promising, really, because he had been told Spock would be going to Vulcan and Jim certainly couldn’t go with him. But Spock was so sad and so desperate, Jim found himself promising something he knew he couldn’t do.

“T’hy’la.”

“T’hy’la,” Jim repeated. “What’s that?”

Spock squeezed him.

“Me?”

The nod again.

Jim smiled. “That’s a good word.”

Spock was now staring at him with an expression of wonder.

“What?”

Spock brought a shaky hand to Jim’s mouth. “Smile.”

“You like my smile?”

Spock’s nod was eager this time. “Beautiful.”

“You’re a flatterer I see.” Jim smiled again, and Spock’s thumb traced his lips. “Your-your mom says you and I are bonded.”

“Yes.”

Jim barely held back a sigh. “I don’t know how that’s possible. I never met you until I found you on the slaver’s planet.”

This time Spock shook his head and rather frantically. “No. No. No.”

“Oh, hey, hey, don’t get upset. It’s all right.” Jim allowed himself to be pulled very close again as Spock’s arms came tightly around him. “We’ll-we’ll figure this out. I don’t know how, but we will.”

God, he was getting himself in deep. Promising and saying shit he had no right to do. But he couldn’t seem to help it. He had a need to reassure Spock he didn’t quite understand.

He tilted his head back and realized his mouth was now very close to Spock’s. The wariness in those dark eyes was gone. The frantic desperation too. Now he was staring at Jim was something he would have sworn was burning desire.

But he didn’t even know Spock. And yet.

“Did you-Did you want to kiss me?” he whispered.

Spock’s lips curved ever so slightly in what Jim was certain was a smile from the Vulcan. He held up their hands to show Jim their fingers were wrapped around each other. Jim’s eyes widened. A Vulcan kiss. He had read about those. Somehow Spock had maneuvered their hands so they were Vulcan kissing.

“I see you’re also a bit naughty,” Jim said softly.

Spock’s answer was one of those low rumbling purrs. The knuckle of Spock’s other hand lifted Jim’s chin as Spock’s lips suddenly descended on his.


	31. I Close My Eyes and Feel You in the Heart of Me

The kiss was…consuming. Devouring. Like Spock really wanted to gobble him up or something. No one had ever kissed Jim like that. His own mouth parted on a sigh or was it a gasp and the Vulcan took full advantage of that to thrust his tongue into Jim’s mouth with no doubt as to his intent. He sagged against Spock, lifting his arms to entwine them firmly around Spock’s neck. Apparently that was quite the encouragement because Jim found himself pushed up against the wall of the hospital room, Spock’s lips hungry on his, kissing him over and over until Jim was lightheaded.

Spock pulled back long enough to mutter some strange words in Vulcan that seemed dark and possessive, although maybe that came more from the way Spock’s eyes had gone nearly black.

Then his lips were back on Jim’s, drinking in every moan and breath Jim made.

That he’d ever done this with this Vulcan seemed impossible to believe for Jim. He would remember this. He would know if he’d drowned like this before.

When he felt the press of Spock’s erection against his leg, Jim knew he had to put an immediate stop to all this deliciousness. It all became a jumbled mess in his head.

He moved his hands from behind Spock’s neck to his chest.

“No.”

Spock’s eyes narrowed and he went in for Jim’s lips again.

Jim moved his lips away and then pushed at Spock. “Spock, stop.”  

Spock did stop then, but he stared at Jim with a crestfallen expression. “Jim.”

“I don’t-I mean-I’m not…we’re not doing that here, okay?” Jim exhaled very slowly, putting his hand to his chest. He shook his head. “We’re in a hospital. And I don’t _know_ you.”

“But you do.” It was Amanda speaking from the doorway of the room. “Spock,” she gently. “You’re frightening him. Step back.”

Jim bit his lip as Spock blinked rapidly and stepped back, turning away with what could only be a whimper. “No. I’m not scared. I just…” He didn’t know what he was, so he just left it unsaid.

“Jim, you and Spock do know each other,” Amanda said, coming into the room. She went to her son and pushed him down into a chair gently. “You met in high school.”

“That’s not possible,” Jim insisted. “I went to high school in Riverside.”

“Yes.” She smiled sadly. “And so did Spock.”

Jim frowned. “There weren’t any Vulcans in Riverside, ma’am.”

“I don’t know how it’s possible that you’ve forgotten everything, but Jim, Spock was there. We all were. Me and my-my husband. We lived there. You and Spock went to the prom together.”

Jim crossed his arms to hug himself. He was getting frustrated. And a little bit irritated. “Look, you’re wrong. You’ve got me mixed up with someone else. You both do.”

Spock’s gaze rose then and he looked as though Jim had kicked him.

“Why-why is he like this anyway? Was it that thing they put on him? I asked Boyce but he wouldn’t tell me much.”

Amanda nodded. “Yes. It was to inhibit his telepathy. They considered Vulcans dangerous so any they captured were kept under control by that mechanism they attached to his head.”

Jim stared at Spock. He wanted to go over to him, but he held back. “For all six years?”

“Yes,” she said shakily. “Dr. Boyce doesn’t know if it did permanent damage to him. We won’t know that until we get him to Vulcan. Our healers there know more of Vulcans and their anatomy. As well as their minds.”

“And when are you going?”

“The passage is already booked. As soon as Dr. Boyce signs the release papers, we will go.” Amanda looked to her son. Then back to Jim. “May I show you something?”

“Okay.”

She stepped over to him, holding out a holo pic.

He took it from her hands. In the picture stood himself, high school aged, he recognized that much, wearing a white sport coat with a pink carnation pinned to the coat, and next to him, almost behind him really, arms around him, stood a young Vulcan teen who resembled the long haired Vulcan sitting nearby, wearing a suit.

Jim’s hands were shaking when he handed it back to her. “How is this possible?”

“Because, as I told you, you were together. You and Spock are t’hy’la. You spent that year together in Riverside. Myself and my husband, Sarek, along with Spock, our son, were returning to Vulcan from Riverside when our shuttle crashed. My husband was killed and Spock and I were taken as captives and slaves.”

“That isn’t possible,” Jim whispered.

“Yet it is.” Amanda sighed. “I cannot explain your memory loss. Perhaps you could ask your mother? I don’t know, Jim. I only know that Spock knows you, even with what has been done to him. He knows you.” She turned to her son. “I have to take him to Vulcan. Will you come?”

“ _Me_?”

“He needs you, Jim.”

“But-but the Academy. I have classes,” Jim said rather desperately. Spock had bowed his head and was looking at the floor. Even now Jim’s own promises made a short time ago echoed in his head.

_“Do not leave.”_

_“I won’t.”_

But he couldn’t go to Vulcan. How could he?

He stared at Spock, looking like he had nothing and no one in the world. His long hair hung in front of his face. His hands were clenched in his lap. He was breaking Jim’s heart.

Jim closed his eyes. What was he supposed to do? What?

He took the few steps over to the chair and then sank down on his knees in front of Spock. He reached for Spock’s clenched hands and eased them apart.

“Spock.”

Spock’s tormented gaze rose to Jim.

Jim took both of Spock’s hands in his. “I won’t leave you.”

“Jim,” Spock’s voice cracked on his name.

“I won’t. I’ll go with you to Vulcan.”

Spock lunged at him and pulled him close, arms wrapping tightly around Jim. It was awkward with Jim on the floor and Spock in the chair but Jim wouldn’t pull away. Not this time. He felt wetness on his cheeks from Spock, who was rubbing his face all over Jim’s. Spock was crying.

Jim could barely speak around the lump in his throat. “I’ll go to Vulcan. But first…Riverside.”


	32. I Don't Know You Anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it took me almost a month to get this up. There were a lot of reasons and excuses but anyway, it's done, and I figured I'd just post it.

In the end he’d had to bring Spock and Amanda to Riverside with him. Amanda had tried to get Spock to stay behind in San Francisco and wait for Jim to return but Spock would have none of it, and so, to save Spock from his agitation, Jim just brought them with him.

The whole way on the shuttle, while Spock didn’t exactly sit on Jim, he sat very close and looked at everyone around them with extreme suspicion. His hair had been cut now and returned to the traditional Vulcan cut most wore, including Spock, if the prom picture Amanda had shown him was any indication.

Spock made constant physical contact with Jim, his hand clutched onto Jim’s forearm for the most part. It was okay with Jim, though, because Jim was always a touchy feely sort of guy anyway.

The closer they got to Riverside, the more anxious Jim became, his stomach tying itself in knots and his head beginning to pound with a stress headache. He’d hoped to sleep but couldn’t.

When they landed, Jim rose at once, even before the shuttle doors opened. Spock rose with him, reaching for Jim’s arm, ensuring Jim did not move too far away.

“It’s okay, Spock,” Amanda told her son. “Jim’s not going anywhere.”

Spock seemed unconvinced but he did loosen his grip.

They had to take a hover cab from the shuttle bay to where the farmhouse was. Once they arrived, Jim debated having Spock and Amanda wait outside. He had no idea what he was going to face with his mother. Or any of it really.

But as he approached the door into the house, Spock’s dark gaze was so sad and apprehensive that it tore at Jim’s heart in such a way it almost frightened him.

Jim sighed and went to Spock, curling his hand around the back of Spock’s neck and resting his forehead against Spock’s. For some reason this particular contact soothed him better than any other contact between them.

“I’ll fix this. I promise.”

Never mind Jim had no idea what he had to fix, really, or how he would do it, but he had to say something to Spock. Had to promise to wipe that all too vulnerable look off Spock’s face.

Spock closed his eyes, relaxing into Jim’s touch.

“Do you want to come inside the house with me?’

“Yes,” came the soft reply.

 “Okay.”

Jim squeezed gently on Spock’s neck, then released him and stepped back. “Take my hand.”

Spock did, without even a slight hesitation, his fingers curling around Jim’s.

This felt huge and Jim couldn’t explain it.

He opened the front door and walked inside, pulling Spock with him, Amanda bringing up the rear.

“Mom?”

Jim heard the rattle of a glass and then a quick shuffling but it was too late. He caught her. She was sitting at the kitchen table, trying to hide the bottle of rum and the glass she’d been using to drink it.

Disappointment was an emotion he’d grown used to over the years but just then it very nearly threatened to choke him.

“Oh, God.” Her whispered words were not aimed at him but at the Vulcan just behind him. Jim knew in that instant Winona Kirk recognized Spock. And that—

He felt his hand freeze up and release Spock’s as he stepped forward. His whole body felt like he was made of ice and that if you touched him he’d shatter.

“Spock.” Her hands were to her throat and she was shaking, as she stared at Spock and his mother. “But I-I thought—”

“You thought what?” The calm voice coming from his own lips sounded eerie and distorted to him.

“The shuttlecraft. He was-you both were supposed to have been killed.” She stared frantically at the bottle. “I need a drink.”

“What have you done?”

“What?’ she asked.

Jim exhaled long and slow, his fists now clenched at his side. He was quaking now, ready to crumble at any minute. “Everything…I’ve been told that I’m Spock’s bondmate. Is it true?”

“Well.” She licked her lips. Just like he did. And he knew just where he got it from. “The thing is—”

“Is. It. True?”

 “Yes,” she whispered. “Or-or that’s what I have always been told. Yes.”

Jim rested one hand on his roiling stomach. “Why don’t I know that?”

“Jim—”

“Goddamn it!” Jim gritted his teeth. He couldn’t seem to get himself to stop shaking. “Don’t fucking make up stories. Just tell me what you’ve done!”

“I had your-your memories of Spock taken away.”

Amanda gasped behind him.

“Of them all. You were-you have to understand, they said the shuttle crashed and you were-you were not well and—”

Jim turned to Amanda. “Can you take Spock out of here now please?”

“Jim—” Amanda started to say.

“Please.”

Jim turned back to face his mother who now had her hands over her face and she was sobbing, her shoulders shaking from it. He heard the front door close behind him.

“What. Did. You. Do?”

She shook her head.

“You owe me this! Stop hiding behind your fucking tears. What did you do?”

She lifted her tear stained face to look at him. “You were devastated by his death. I didn’t know he was alive. I didn’t. There was this doctor who specialized in memory erasure. You were catatonic. I didn’t know what else to do.”

“So…you did what? Took out a chunk of my brain that knew Spock?”

“It doesn’t work like that. They don’t remove any brain tissue.”

“How does it work?”

“I don’t know! I was all alone. I didn’t know what to do. Your brother—”

“Sam knows about this, doesn’t he?” He’d have to. He’d spoken to Sam and his brother never once mentioned Spock.

“Yes.”

“I hate you,” Jim whispered. “I hate you both.”

“Jim—”

“No! Goddamn it. You took away my fucking life. You can’t play God like that. I was upset, so, what, you just wipe out all my memories to make it better?”

“You were more than upset. You were catatonic.”

“And so the only solution was to wipe out Spock like he was nothing.” Jim shook his head. “That was my life. You took away my life.”

“I thought—”

“I can hardly stand to look at you.”

“I’m sorry.”

“I’ve been making excuses for you for years. I don’t even know why Sam left, because obviously that was a consequence of all the other shit you did to me, but I can guess. Your drinking and your hitting. And this is how you deal with my grief. By making it go away. By taking my memories. And any time I spent with Spock.”

“I’m sorry,” she said again, her voice quavering.

“And Spock. Do you know how fucked up he is now? Not just because of what they did to him on the slave planet he ended up on but because of what you did to me. We have a bond I don’t even fucking know about and it’s killing him. And _you_ did that. _You_.”

Now she wouldn’t look at him and Jim didn’t know whether he should feel bad about what he said to her or just walk away and never look back.

“Is it…can it be reversed?”

“I don’t know,” she whispered.

“Dad was killed,” Jim said softly. “How would you like it if someone took away every memory you ever had of him and made him no longer exist for you?” He hugged himself. “You think about that.”

He went outside then, but not out the front door, but the one that led to the side yard. He felt almost like he was going to puke and his head was pounding like it never had before. He wanted to weep for what he'd lost but he couldn't even comprehend what it was. 

He dropped to his knees in the dirt and as a drop hitting the ground turned to mud, Jim realized he was crying after all.

And then someone was beside him, on the ground with him, a hand on his shoulder and he turned to find it was Spock.

Jim swallowed and tried to speak but nothing would come out. So he shook his head.

“Jim.” Spock wiped his thumb over a tear and then he put his thumb in his mouth.

For some reason it seemed so sweet to Jim. He let out a shaky breath. “I’m sorry.”

Spock leaned his forehead against Jim’s, as he had done with Spock earlier. “We will fix.”


	33. You are my Purpose, You're Everything

It was strange having an entire chunk of your life missing. Stranger still knowing it was deliberate. And done by your mother.

Jim tried to think about how difficult it must have been for her at the time, but all he came back to was that his brain was damaged. And deliberately so.

As they departed Riverside in a shuttle back to San Francisco, Jim was aware Spock watched him very carefully. It was different, too, then the way Spock had been watching him very carefully. Because ever since Jim had agreed to help Spock and had barely left his side, Spock had watched Jim like he was the most precious thing ever. Honestly it had made Jim feel a little uncomfortable. He was not used to being someone’s everything. Or, you know, maybe he was. And didn’t know.

Jim sighed wistfully.

There was definitely still the element of worship in Spock’s gaze, but now there was unmistakable concern that Spock, being emotionally and mentally messed up himself, was unable to mask. He clearly though Jim was going to fall apart at the drop of a hat. And maybe Jim even was. But still.

Once they reached San Francisco they would stay the night there in a hotel room Amanda had secured for them. In the morning they would depart for Vulcan. Jim’s leave of absence from the Academy had been extended by Captain Pike. Indefinitely. And God, he hated that word.

Jim reached for Spock’s hand and closed his fingers around the warmth palm. Spock jolted just a little before relaxing into the touch. Jim had been told that was their bond trying and failing to come to life again. Apparently that would be something they would be working on when reaching Vulcan.

He tried a smile for Spock’s sake but the truth was he felt very much like crying instead.

“Jim,” Spock whispered, the hand Jim was not holding came to rest on Jim’s face. “You do not—”

Each word seemed a struggled for Spock which reminded Jim that as much as his own damaged mind bothered him it must be so much worse for Spock. He hated that Spock could barely form words without discomfort.

Jim shook his head. “Spock.”

“No.” Spock looked clearly frustrated. “Do not pretend.”

Jim frowned. “Pretend?”

Spock’s thumb moved up toward Jim’s eye. “Eyes wet.”

“Oh.” Jim swallowed. “Yeah. I am upset. I’m not pretending. It’s just, if I let it out, I’m not sure I’ll stop.”

The announcement that their shuttle was about to land was made over the loud speaker.

 Amanda, who always seemed to know when to give them space, walked over to them. “There will be a hover car waiting to take us to the hotel suite.”

“Thank you. You know, for everything,” Jim said.

“What else can I do?” She gave him a sad smile. “My boys are hurt.”

Jim looked away and hoped whatever they intended to do on Vulcan would work.

****

Jim found Spock looking out the window of the hotel room Amanda had told them they could use. He was a little uncertain if he and Spock should share a room, but he wasn’t afraid of Spock at all and since the Vulcan seemed to need Jim near, he decided to just go with the flow.

“Hey,” he said softly, being careful not to startle Spock. “Are you ready for bed?”

Spock glanced at him briefly and then returned to looking outside without an answer.

Jim put his hand on the small of Spock’s back and moved closer. Like it always seemed to do, it relaxed Spock in a way he had not been before, no longer standing so rigid, but instead resting against Jim’s hand. “Are you anxious about tomorrow?”

Spock nodded.

“I am too.”

Spock turned to him then, looking at him intently. “Not hurt you.”

“No, I know you won’t.”

Spock looked vexed and then he shook his head. “No. I…won’t…let them.”

“Oh.” Jim licked his lips. “You won’t let them hurt me.”

“Yes.”

Jim moved into Spock’s personal space and instead of being bothered by it he could see that Spock was pleased. His hands came up to rest on either side of Jim’s waist. “I’m not worried about me. What else can they do that hasn’t already been done? It’s you. I don’t want them fucking you up in some misguided attempt to fix you.”

“Try.”

“I know they have to try,” Jim replied. “I don’t want them to make things worse for you. You’ve already been through too much. It’s not fair.”

Spock leaned down slightly to kiss Jim’s forehead.

“Spock.” Jim reached down and covered Spock’s hands with his. “Come here.” He linked his fingers with Spock and drew him down to sit on the edge of the bed with him. He turned slightly so that he was facing Spock. “I-I may never get my memories back and remember our time together from before.” Jim bit his lip. “You know that, right?”

Spock’s nod was slow and slight, but it was there.

“But…if that happens, it doesn’t mean, I mean, I’ll do whatever you need. Okay?” Jim wasn’t even sure what he was saying or agreeing to really. He just knew Spock needed him. And he liked Spock. A lot. But well—

“I would.” Spock stopped. He glanced away. Jim’s heart ached. God, he’d do anything to make this go away for Spock.

Jim lifted his fingers to Spock’s lips, touching them lightly. “What do you need, Spock?”

Spock’s gaze returned to his, his dark eyes unexpectedly more intense and aware then they had yet been. Then his eyelids swept over those eyes, eyelashes fanning out over pale skin.

Jim closed his eyes too as Spock’s mouth softly covered his. The kiss was so sweet and gentle and tentative that it made Jim’s heart ache even more.

Spock drew back then, his eyelids raising to reveal those brown depths once more. “Love,” he whispered.

Jim smiled. Spock could have been answering Jim’s question from before and maybe he was a little, but Jim knew, really, he was declaring his love for Jim and it was just about the sweetest, most wonderful thing anyone had ever said to him. That he remembered, he reminded himself somewhat soberly.

“Let’s get ready for bed, all right? We have a big day tomorrow and we’re going to need to rest.” Jim stood and leaned down to remove Spock’s shirt. “You want to wear one of those sleeping robes your mom left you?”

“Yes.”

Spock rose from the bed and went to the closet in the room where his suitcase had been left. Jim watched as he removed not one but two brown sleeping robes. He thrust one at Jim.

“You want me to wear one too?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, sure.” Jim took the robe and after removing his jeans and shirt, pulled it on. He fastened it around his waist, then made sure Spock had done the same.  Jim went to the bed and pulled the covers back. “Want the heat on or anything?”

“No.” Spock got into bed and then opened his arms. A clear invitation if ever there was one.

Jim turned off the lights and got in next to Spock. And then into his arms. It felt good. Safe. And he told himself maybe everything would be all right for both of them.   


	34. Part Three: Forever I Am With You

Waking up was difficult.

He would realize all over again that there was something wrong with him. And for a moment he was overwhelmed by it.

At first he hadn’t even wanted to go to sleep. The horror of waking up time and time again to be only part of yourself was almost too much to bear.

So many things seemed lost to him. So many things he’d known before. Details and facts he’d known as a child. This was, of course, hard enough. Sometimes he felt as if the knowledge lost to him was just on the edge of his mind. He would imagine himself tiptoeing to that edge and then he’d reach out to grasp it, but instead of obtaining it, he would teeter over the edge until he fell off altogether into an abyss of darkness.

He’d forgotten how to control his emotions and this was perhaps hardest of all. When no one was around, and he was scared when no one was around, he would find himself breaking down, crying uncontrollably. He would be embarrassed as soon as he stopped, but it was hard to make himself stop. Hard to even know why he should stop.

When he was held captive he was aware of what was going on around him, but he could not stop it. Sometimes their abductors would take females away and when the females would return they were not the same. They’d become shaken and frightened shells of what they’d once been. He lived in fear of that fate befalling his mother and once when she had caught the attention of a guard, he had offered himself in her place, though she had begged him not to.

He blocked that time out as best he could.

It got easier to forget things the more the used they inhibitor on him. There were times when he could not recall his name.

And yet he remembered his father dying. He recalled the last words Sarek had said to him before their shuttle crashed on that forsaken world.

“It will be all right, Spock. Take care of your mother.”

But most of all, he remembered…Jim.

 _Jim_.

His treasure, his beloved, his adun, his las’hark.

He’d somehow found Jim again. And every time they took Jim from him, Spock wanted to kill them. He was filled with rage that they dared to take his beautiful Jim away.

He opened his eyes, feeling the weight of the young human male within his arms. His disordered mind cried out as it always did upon waking and Spock stiffened in pain and shame. The human in his arms woke too, blue eyes blinking rapidly at him.

“Spock?” The soft whisper floated over him, soothing him.

Yes. Spock was his name.

He tried a word. It was always difficult upon first waking. “Aaa.”

Jim touched his fingers to Spock’s face, spread them out over – over points Spock should know. “It’s all right. I’m here.”

“Ashayam.”

Jim smiled, flashing beautiful white teeth. “Yes.” He touched his lips to Spocks lips and Spock’s heart soared. “It’s time to get up, Spock. We leave for Vulcan today.”

 _Vulcan_.

There was something he should remember about Vulcan.

An explosion. A crash.

“No!” The word tore painfully from his throat as he crushed Jim beneath him, covering him to protect him from danger.

For a moment Jim stiffened and then shook and Spock felt as though his heart might split. Then Jim relaxed and put his hands on Spock’s face, touching his nose to Spock’s nose.

“Hey, what is it?” Jim spoke gently.

“Crash.” It was the only word he could get out.

“Oh. You think—no, Spock. The shuttle won’t crash. Not this time. I promise.”

“Keep safe.”

“Let me keep you safe this time, okay? We’ll be good, Spock.”

He closed his eyes and nodded.

“Let’s get dressed. Your mom is waiting.”

He reluctantly moved off Jim and rose from the bed but he kept Jim well within his sights as they prepared for their departure.

****

He could not look at anyone but his mother and Jim. Anything, anyone, else was too much. Too painful. Like a thousand screams inside his head. He could hear their thoughts, feel their emotions. It was torment.

He was aware of Jim’s friend, a man Jim called Bones, accompanying them on the shuttle. It was for Jim’s benefit, or so it had been explained, because the Vulcan healers would be invading both their minds and this “Bones” insisted he had to see to Jim’s welfare.

At first Bones went to sit next to Jim on the shuttle but quickly moved when Spock made his displeasure known.

Spock apologize to Jim. He could not discern Bones’ mind and thoughts from the others invading him so he could not be sure Jim’s friend did not covet Jim and wish to steal him from Spock.

“It’s okay, Spock,” Jim had assured him.

 _Jim_.

Always so kind and gentle to him.

Jim held Spock’s hand, smiling at him, and Spock kept focused on him for the journey to Vulcan. His heart raced, fearing a crash, and his mind was in turmoil with all that rushed at him, but when it finally landed on Vulcan, he rose with Jim by his side.

“This way,” Mother urged them.

Bones stayed back and Spock was grateful.

He saw many Vulcans waited for them as they stepped off and Spock wondered if they were all a threat.

A tall, very thin older Vulcan stepped forward and Spock shrank back from him. The Vulcan seemed startled as he met the gaze of Jim and Spock’s mother. Then he nodded crisply.

“Spock, Son of Sarek, we welcome you. I will take you to the priestess, T’Pau, now. This way.”

Spock pulled Jim with him.

“The Humans must stay behind,” the Vulcan said coolly.

Spock began to panic.

Jim stepped in front of  him. “That’s not going to work for us. I go with Spock.” He glanced at Spock’s mother. “And Amanda too. We both go.”

His lips thinned. “Unusual. But so be it.”

The man named Bones stepped forward. “I'm going too.”

“Why?” the Vulcan asked.

“I go with him,” Bones pointed to Spock’s Jim.

The Vulcan appeared to consider it and then nodded. “No others. It is time.”


	35. Out of the Darkness

Jim had to admit the priestess was pretty intimidating and honestly he didn’t get intimidated easily. 

She was actually quite tall and very thin but somehow managed to convey a regal bearing Jim was quite unused to. She appeared to be quite old but Jim couldn’t discern her age and he knew it would be inappropriate to ask.

T’Pau had very high cheekbones and eyes as dark as any he had seen. She might have been very beautiful once. It was difficult to tell. She wore layers of heavy robes in shades of tan, brown and red and she stood on a dais which added to the impression of royalty.

She cast her gaze first at Spock, followed one by one on Amanda, himself, and finally Bones. Then her eyes returned to Spock.

“Spock, who are these outworlders?”

Jim could see Spock struggling to speak so he stepped forward. “Excuse me, ma’am. But because of what happened to him, he has difficulty with speech and forming thoughts. That’s why he’s here. I’m James Kirk and this is Leonard McCoy. I’m guessing you know Spock’s mother, Amanda.”

T’Pau narrowed her eyes slightly as her gaze switched to Jim. “You are his bondmate.”

Apparently he was, yes. Or so everyone said. But Jim just nodded.

“Approach, James Kirk.”

Jim stepped close to her and she put her thin, frail hand on his face, spreading her fingers out. He felt the slightest pinch and then the sense that someone was searching for something. It was not painful, just…odd.

Very slowly the sensation faded as her hand slipped from his face.

“Your mind is missing,” she said cryptically.

“Uh.”

“Your mother did a disservice to you.”

For some reason, Jim felt the need to defend her. “She thought it was best at the time.”

“Mother does not always know what is best.” T’Pau shook her head. “Retreat.”

Jim stepped back into place next to Spock, who was gazing down at the floor.

He was surprised when T’Pau turned to Amanda. “I would know your thoughts.”

Amanda did not hesitate as she took her place before T’Pau.

“She’s not getting into my head,” Bones muttered.

“Bones,” Jim whispered.

He grumbled but fell silent.

Her hand was on Amanda’s face. She said very softly, “I grieve with thee.”

Amanda nodded and stepped back, and Jim could see there were tears in her eyes.

“I must see Spock alone,” T’Pau announced. “You will wait outside.”

“Wait—”

“No harm will come to him, James Kirk.” T’Pau stared at him imperiously. “What was done to you…cannot be undone. If you remember, it will be on your own. There is nothing I can do for you.”

Jim swallowed, nodding. He was not surprised, but he couldn’t deny being disappointed. But what happened to him was nothing. He was concerned with Spock.

“Are you sure I can’t stay with him?”

She arched a brow. “You are dismissed.”

Amanda touched his arm. “Jim, come. It’s all right.”

Jim allowed Spock’s mother to lead him from the chamber but he was not at all happy about it.

“I’m sorry she couldn’t help you, Jim,” Amanda said.

“I don’t care about that.” Jim began to pace.

Bones had his scanner out. “How’s your head feel?”

“Same as always.” Jim sighed. “Why can’t I be in there? Is It so secretive?”

“They are actually very ceremonial and yes, secretive when it comes to outsiders,” Amanda said.

“But we’re not outsiders. I’m his mate and you’re his mother.”

“But we’re not Vulcan.”

Jim shook his head and resumed his pacing. It seemed to take forever, too. A half an hour passed, and then another. He could hear no sound from within.

Amanda began to watch him, and then she would glance at Bones. Finally she said, “Jim, can we speak privately for just a moment?” She looked at Bones furtively. “I hope you understand. It’s not something Spock would want just anyone to know.”

Bones appeared as though he might argue but then he nodded. “All right. I’ll go out to this other room here.”

She gave him a wan smile. “Thank you, Leonard.”

She took Jim’s arm and led him to a bench. His stomach was all twisted in knots and he didn’t feel at all well. He was sweating too.

“If T’Pau’s treatment works, and I pray that it will, Spock will still need your support.”

“I know that.”

Amanda nodded. “I don’t know how much you were able to find out or guess about what happened to Spock during his time in captivity.”

“I-I know he was tortured. With that thing.”

“Yes,” she said softly. “They used it to control him. They were very frightened by telepathic species. It was very painful and damaging to him. But there were other things they did to the slaves they had.”

Jim looked away, unable to meet her gaze. “I-I think I know what you mean.”

“If T’Pau brings him back, he will recall everything. Good things, yes, but also…he’s going to need you, Jim. And I know how hard this must be for you. You’re being asked to be his rock when you have no memory of even how you met or your first time or anything really until you rescued him. It’s not fair.”

“None of life is fair, Amanda. You went through all of this, too, and you lost your husband.”

“Yes,” she whispered. “And the two of you lost your innocence.”

He shook his head. “I was never innocent.”

There was a sound at the door of the chamber and Jim released Amanda’s hands and quickly stood.

His heart in his throat, Jim whispered, “Spock?”


	36. T'hy'la

Jim could see immediately that Spock’s eyes had cleared of the confusion and distance they held the entire time Jim had known him. Well, since the rescue anyway. He was different, that Jim could tell immediately. But Jim didn’t know what that meant for Spock or for him.

“Spock?” Amanda spoke and Spock turned his focus to her, his expression softening. “Spock?”

He went to her then or she went to him, Jim wasn’t quite sure. But suddenly Amanda was embracing him and his arms came around her and Jim felt a little like a stranger, a voyeur that didn’t belong there.

The thing was, he didn’t really know _this_ Spock. He knew the one who he had helped to rescue.

Amanda was crying and Spock was trying to soothe her, murmuring words that sounded like Vulcan. Jim knew he didn’t understand them. She spoke back to him, haltingly, also in Vulcan, and near the end of one sentence he did hear his name “Jim” and Spock briefly glanced at him before once again speaking to his mother.

Jim took an awkward step back, feeling more left out than ever, and he knew that wasn’t fair. He reminded himself that only moments ago Amanda told him Spock was going to need him. He had to cling to that.

Still, he thought perhaps he should depart. Give them time together. After all Spock’s father had died and surely they needed to discuss so many things Jim wasn’t a part of.

But just as he was about to turn away and exit the room, Spock released his mother. He said one more thing to her, very softly, and Amanda nodded. Then after a smile Jim guessed was meant to be reassuring, it was Amanda who hurried from the room.

Jim had no idea what to do. How to act. Even what to say. So he stood there, much like a statue, waiting for Spock to act.

Spock took two steps toward Jim but then stopped, hesitation passing over his face.

“You—” Jim croaked. He cleared his throat. “Do you want me to come over there?”

Spock nodded.

He forced himself to move, to walk over to the Vulcan who was very nearly a stranger to him and yet not. He’d known Spock these last few days, maybe not the years he’d lost, but it was something.

When Jim reached Spock, his breath caught in his throat, as he stared into Spock’s warm brown eyes. They definitely were not distant even though there was sorrow and loss there, but there was affection, too, greater than any Jim had ever known.

It was Jim who first touched Spock, putting his right hand on Spock’s left cheek. Spock inhaled as he did so, briefly closing his eyes, as though in relief, before opening them again to gaze straight at Jim’s soul.

“T’hy’la,” was the first word Spock had spoken to him since he exited T’Pau’s chamber.  “Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”

Before Jim could react—and he knew these words, he knew he did, though their meaning escaped him presently—Spock pulled him closer and began to kiss him fervently. Jim’s hand slipped from Spock’s cheek but only to grasp at the collar of Spock’s shirt, pressing his body closer.

They might have kissed for hours or maybe minutes, Jim didn’t even know, he just knew all he could do was taste and feel Spock until he wasn’t sure what separated them. It was almost as though he’d been sleeping and Spock just woke him up.

After a while, Spock broke the kiss, leaning his forehead against Jim’s. His breathing was heavy, labored. His fingers were on Jim’s face and Jim knew it was a meld of some sort for he felt a slight pressure but no pain.

“What are you doing?” Jim asked curiously.

“Examining the damage done to you.” Spock’s voice was hoarse and sad sounding. “I-I cannot repair it.”

Jim hated the defeat he heard in Spock’s tone. “No, I know. T’Pau already said.”

“I thought, being your t’hy’la, perhaps—”Spock shook his head.

“I hate her for taking you from me,” Jim whispered, closing his eyes.

“She could never take me from you, ashayam.” Spock kissed Jim’s forehead. “Not truly. Her intentions were to help.”

“God, I don’t want to talk about her.” Jim pulled back just enough to grasp Spock’s face with both his hands and pull him forward into a kiss. In the minutes they’d been standing together, his desire for Spock had already increased tenfold. And yeah, Spock was hot, but still…Jim was ready to climb him like a mountain.

Spock nodded. “It is the bond.”

“The bond?”

“It seeks to reestablish our connection fully by mating.”

Jim frowned. “It wants us to mate?”

“Negative. _We_ want to mate. The bond is not an all-powerful being, Jim, it is us.” Spock pulled him closer still. “T’Pau informed me this would be likely. A chamber has been prepared for us to the left.” He flicked his head in that direction.

“Like a honeymoon suite?”

“Perhaps.”

Jim shook his head, trying to push away the idea that his Vulcan hosts, and probably Spock’s mom, and maybe even Bones at this point, knew they were likely to get it on. He wanted it. God, he did. His cock was now hard enough to rip through his pants, but there were other considerations. Mainly the Vulcan who had begun to trail biting kisses down his throat.

“Spock, no, wait.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hands and held them, keeping a small amount of distance between them.  Spock’s eyes were now glazed with lust as he tried to focus on Jim. “We need to talk.”

“Talk?”

“Yes. You just-you just came out of a trance-like thing minutes ago. And I need to know if you’re okay. And we need to talk about what happened. How are you? What can I do?”

Spock blinked as though he tried to focus on what Jim was saying, but then to Jim’s surprise, Spock scooped him up into his arms, sort of like a bride.

“Hey. Wait.”

“Later, ashayam. First the bond.”

He was carried by Spock presumably to the chamber he’d spoken of. He wanted to protest, because surely this was wrong under the circumstances, at this time, but his body had other ideas, he was inflamed, in desperate need.

Spock began to remove Jim’s clothes as soon as he laid Jim on the massive round bed in the chamber that had been reserved for them. Jim had spotted a large jar of scented oil to the side.  

When they were both nude, Spock scooped up the oil from the jar and parted Jim’s legs. He held his breath as Spock inserted long fingers inside him. He knew on some level that this was not the first for them but it felt like it was. The intensity, the care with which Spock treated him, the love shining from his dark eyes, it filled him with wonder.

Spock entered him slow and deep and Jim wrapped his legs around Spock’s waist, taking him deeper within. The thrusts were like Spock moving in his soul. Jim had never felt anything ever like it. He grasped Jim’s hands in his, holding them above Jim’s head, fingers linked. Spock’s mind caressed his, cradled him and made him feel safe and cherished. On and on it went, Jim didn’t know for how long, nor did he care, as it was like being in heaven.

He thought maybe he crested more than once, he wasn’t sure, for it was like a dream. An out of body experience.

He woke later, lying on top of Spock, who opened his eyes to gaze back at Jim.

And then Jim was hit was memories, of things that did not come from him, of Spock. Spock’s experiences. Spock in captivity.

Jim shrank back, rising from lying on Spock. His hand going to his pounding heart. His mind was in agony, anguish, and he could barely breathe as sobs tore from within him.

“Oh my God. Oh my God.”

“Jim?”

“You-you-you—”

“You must calm down.”

Jim grabbed his head. “The-the pain. What they-they did. Oh God. Spock.”

Spock rose grasping for Jim’s hands to take them from his head. “It is all right, my ashayam.”

“No, no no.” Jim wailed and thrashed away. “That-that thing on your head. Spock. God.”

“I endured it,” Spock said quietly.

“And then-then—” Jim couldn’t get the words out. Images of their brutal assaults flashed over and over in his mind. “I want to kill them. I want to fucking kill them.”

Spock grabbed him then, gently pushing him down on the bed. “Jim. You are too agitated. Your body cannot take the stress you are putting on it. You must calm.” Spock’s hand on his face was unbearably gentle. “Please, Jim. I cannot lose you. Please.”

Jim tried. He did. But he was shaking and crying as Spock held him down. Rage and grief consuming him. “No one will ever hurt you again. No one.”

Spock lay down beside him and faced him so that they were gazing into each other’s eyes, just touching.

“And no one will hurt you either,” Spock vowed.

“T’hy’la.”

Spock nodded. “Yes.”


	37. The Garden of Peace

For hours, it seemed, Spock watched his t’hy’la sleep. Jim had been exhausted after the onslaught of turbulent emotions and though he had desperately fought sleep, it had eventually claimed him.

Having Jim with him once more with a clear head was more than Spock could have hoped as he had lost hope long before he and his mother had been rescued from the slave planet.

During their coupling, his bond with Jim had been fully restored and he felt the light buzz of Jim inside him even while his beloved was in slumber.

While captive, before the madness had completely overtaken him, Spock had hoped for Jim to find him and rescue him. It had been illogical but Spock had even imagined several scenarios where Jim would arrive and fight off Spock’s assailants. But Jim had not come and Spock’s hopes and fantasies had faded away to be replaced by numbness and darkness. His telepathy lay dormant and injured, his mind nothing but a gaping black hole.

Now, of course, Spock knew that Jim had not abandoned him. He simply did not know of Spock’s existence. Sometimes Spock felt that was worse. To know that all the time they’d spent during that year in Riverside had no meaning to Jim made him ache. And yet…Jim lay next to him, still his. Still Spock’s. And Spock knew that it was not worse at all.

Whatever Spock had to endure, having Jim once more with him, well, he would have given anything for that.

He knew the moment Jim was about to wake because of two things. One, suddenly there was a sunny burst of light in Spock’s mind and also Jim went completely and utterly still.   

Spock was embracing the awakening presence in his mind even as Jim’s long lashes lifted to reveal the startling blue beneath them.

“Spock.” Jim’s voice sounded raw and hoarse, thick with sleep.

Spock placed his fingers on Jim’s cheek. “Good morning.”

Jim blinked rapidly, trying to clear the haze. “How long did I sleep?”

“Eight point four hours.”

“Please tell me you slept some of that time.”

He nodded. “I did. I have only been awake for two.”

Jim frowned slightly and turned to lie on his back, Spock’s fingers falling from his face in the process. “You’ve been watching me?”

Spock hesitated only a moment before answering. “It is difficult for me to fathom that we are together as we are once more.”

Jim’s hands went to his own head. “I feel you here now. I couldn’t really before they healed you.”

“If it is bothersome, I can shield,” Spock said softly. He would not want to be shielded from his mate, but he would always respect Jim’s wishes.

Jim turned his head to look at Spock. “It’s not bothersome. Just…different. I-I can feel a lot from you. It’s…I’ve been told Vulcans don’t feel anything.”

“You know that is not true, Jim.”

“Yeah. I do.” He reached a hand out and touched Spock’s chest. “None of this is bad, Spock. I’m just acclimating myself here.”

“I feel your agitation and anxiety.”

Jim licked his lips. “I know. It’s just…I’m afraid.”

Spock’s heart clenched. “Of me? Jim, I would rather die than harm you. Ever.”

“No, Spock. No. Not of you. Of me.”

“I do not understand.”

Jim’s gaze lowered. “You’re so amazing and beautiful and-and I don’t want to fuck this up. Your mind is so brilliant and it’s like heaven,” Jim whispered. “I could lose myself there. And I think, what would I do if you suddenly decided you don’t want me there?”

Spock covered the hand resting on his chest with his own. “I will always want you with me, physically and mentally. Always.”

“Are you sure?”

“You do not remember how it was between us, but we are meant to be, Jim. Nothing and no one will separate us again.”

His bondmate smiled a little. “I hope that is true.”

“It is.”

“I’m sorry about your dad.”

“I know,” Spock said quietly. “Though I feel his loss greatly, I cannot imagine the horror he would have had to endure if the device had been placed upon his head. I think it would have broken him.”

“Did it break you?” Jim moved closer.

“It tried. But no. I am half human though and not a full telepath as my father was. I fear it would have sent him into madness. And yet…I miss him. More than I can convey.”

“Oh, Spock.” Jim flung his arms around Spock and squeezed him tight.

“It is all right, my angel,” he whispered when he felt the wetness of Jim’s tears against his skin.

“It isn’t. If it takes the rest of my life, I will hunt down the ones that did this to you.”

“Most of them have been arrested by the Federation when we were rescued from Zyra.”

“Not all of them. Some got away. And I’m going to get them,” Jim vowed.  

‘”T’hy’la, let us just find comfort in being together once more.”

Jim smiled. “You’re right. I’m very happy about that.” He suddenly moved so that he lay across Spock. “Let me show you.”

****

It was another day before Spock and Jim could be coaxed from there special room on Vulcan. They spent long hours getting reacquainted with each other’s bodies, or in the case of Jim’s point of view, acquainted, and learning the bond and their minds together. It was a time of peace and contentment Spock was gratified for.

At times dark memories threatened his contentment but Jim would bring his focus out of those thoughts and memories of his time on Zyra and Spock could breathe again.

“I am grateful for your friendship with my bondmate, Doctor,” Spock said politely to Leonard McCoy. He had met McCoy before when he was still under the influence of the apparatus-induced madness. Now he had met the doctor with his mind clear.

“Er yeah.” McCoy replied. “Jim’s my best friend.”

“So I have been informed. You have kept him safe.”

McCoy rubbed the back of his neck. “Didn’t do that much.”

“He’s being modest and embarrassed, Spock,” Jim said, coming to Spock and putting his arm around him, even though there were Vulcans standing nearby and watching them. Spock had to struggle not to move away. He fought against it. If they judged him and his human mate lacking, so be it.

“Yeah, well, Jim’s a big pain in the ass, is what he is. But he’s family. So.”

Jim released Spock to go to the doctor and embrace him. “Love you too, Bones.” But then he turned back to Spock. “Not as much as my amazing husband here though.”

Doctor McCoy rolled his eyes. “You married. Unbelievable.”

“I prefer bonded.”

“Well I prefer—”

“Bones.”

“All right all right.”

Jim suddenly leaned close to Spock. “Your mom’s over there. By herself. Maybe you should go talk to her?”

Spock nodded, his gaze following Jim’s. “You are right.”

“Words you will be saying a lot,” Jim said with a stunning smile.

Spock mentally rolled his eyes which earned him a laugh. He touched his fingers to Jim’s and then moved off to speak with his mother.

“Mother?”

She turned to him with a soft smile. “It wasn’t necessary for you to leave Jim and his friend.”

“It was Jim who suggested we should speak.”

“He’s very thoughtful.” She touched the doors out to a garden. “Shall we walk in the garden?”

“If you wish.” Spock followed her out there. He was familiar with it, of course. It was called The Garden of Peace.  

“The first time I walked in this garden was with Sarek,” she said softly. “It was the first time we kissed.”

Spock shot her a scandalized look.

“A Vulcan kiss,” she said with a laugh. “The first time we human kissed was back on Earth in my apartment at the time.”

“You miss him a great deal.”

“Yes. He was my bondmate, Spock, my love, my best friend. For so many years.”

“I wish…”

“I know. As do I. But I don’t think he suffered. Not much anyway. Not like he would have. And-and that I could not have born.”

Spock had to look away from the emotion in her eyes. “Nor I.”

“They hurt you, though,” she whispered. “I failed to protect you.”

“Mother.”

“It was my job to keep you safe, Spock.” She stopped and traced her hand over the trunk of a tree.

“I could not let them violate you.”

She wiped at a tear on her face. “Better me than you.”

He looked down at the ground. “I cannot agree.”

“Perhaps someday if you and Jim have a child you will understand.” She touched his face. “I love you, Spock. You and Jim are all I have now.”

Then she turned and walked away from him further into the garden.  


	38. And There's You and Me

Amanda looked up as Jim approached her in the garden. She was sitting on a little bench hidden away between two very leafy plants.

“Hello.” He greeted her with a smile and sat beside her.

“Where is Spock?”

“He got called away by some very severe looking Vulcan. I figured I’d come out here to check on you.”

“That wasn’t necessary. I’m fine.”

He searched her sad eyes. “Are you?”

She smiled somewhat wistfully. “As all right as I can be.” She reached over and squeezed his arm. “How about you? You look rather wiped out.”

“I’m…overwhelmed,” Jim admitted.

“I can understand why. All this thrust at you like this. I’m surprised you didn’t run from the two of us.”

“Spock is pretty persuasive.”

“He loves you a great deal,” Spock’s mother said. “Has since he met you really.”

“Pre-destined bond thing?” Jim asked with a crooked grin.

“No,” she returned with a smile. “A Jim thing. You charmed him from the first. First day you met, he brought you home. Spock just didn’t do that.”

Jim looked away, out over the garden.

“It bothers you when I bring up your past with Spock?”

“Not really. I just…wish I could remember it all myself. It’s not fair.”

“No,” Amanda agreed. “I suppose it is not. But I do think your mother thought she was doing what was best for you at the time.”

Jim shook his head. “Sometimes memories are all that are left to us.”

“Yes,” she said softly.

Jim’s eyes widened and he reached for her hands. “I’m sorry. That was really insensitive.”

Amanda laughed. “Not at all. And anyway it’s true. I wouldn’t trade my time with Sarek for anything. Even knowing how all too brief it really was. Besides giving me a wonderful husband and life, he gave me Spock, and because of Spock, I now have you, too.”

“I wish my mother was half the mother you are.”

“I’m sure she tries.”

Jim scoffed. “When she isn’t drinking. Or making really awful decisions.” He sighed. “I know I should let it go.”

“Easier said than done.” She smiled and waved. “And there is my handsome son. Looking for you, no doubt.”

Spock approached them. “Mother, we are invited to join the Vulcan council for dinner.”

“Oh.” Amanda grimaced. “Well.”

Jim laughed.

Spock arched a brow. “We do not have to if you’d rather not.”

“Well, of course I’d rather not,” she replied. “But I suppose it cannot be helped.”

****

“So, what now?”

Jim glanced at Bones as he packed his and Spock’s stuff to return to Earth. “What now what?”

“In case you’ve forgotten, you’re a married man now, Jim.”

“Apparently I’ve been married since I was like sixteen or something. Which isn’t that really weird?”

“Vulcan voodoo. So you two going to set up house?”

Jim shrugged. “I’m guessing so. I still have the academy to finish and I guess Spock is enlisting. They wanted him to go to the Vulcan Science Academy.”

“But?”

“He doesn’t like the idea of us being apart again. We lost a lot of years, you know.”

“Yeah.” Bones crossed his arms in front of his chest. “Everything’s changing. I guess you’ll get a place together and I’ll be looking for a new roommate.”

He smiled. “Probably. Sorry, Bones.”

Bones waved that away. “It’s to be expected.”

“You’re still my best friend.”

“Yeah, yeah.” But Bones smiled a little. “Can’t say I’m sad to leave Vulcan. This place is damn hot. And they all look at me the same way Spock does.”

“Like you couldn’t get any more illogical if you tried?”

Bones snorted. “You too huh?”

Jim grinned. “I don’t think they can help it.”

The door to their temporary lodgings opened and Spock stepped in, his gaze flicking to Bones. “Doctor.”

“Spock.”

“Your mom still not coming with us?” Jim asked.

“Correct. She wishes to return to our home here on Vulcan. Prior to our brief time on Earth and then our captivity, she grew to love her home here as well as the planet itself. Indeed she even has a few friends.”

“That’s good. I’ll miss her though.”

“She would no doubt return the sentiment.” Spock looked down at the bags. “You have our belongings ready.”

“Yep. Just need to catch the shuttle.”

“A private shuttle waits for us. Arranged by T’Pau.”

“That was nice of her.”

“Indeed.”

Jim nodded. “Okay. Let me just say goodbye to your mom.”

Spock shook his head. “She does not wish to say goodbye. Said it will make her too sad. We are to comm her when we have reached San Francisco to let her know of our safe arrival.”

Jim bit his lip. “All right.”

Spock held out two fingers and Jim met them gladly.

****

Their first night in their new apartment, after everyone who had helped them move had left, Jim found Spock standing out on the balcony just outside their bedroom.

He wrapped his arms around the Vulcan. ”Hey.”

“Hello Jim.”

“You all right?”

Spock hesitated. Jim tightened his hold. “I am mostly functional.”

“That’s not the same as all right.” Jim rested his head on Spock’s back. “You can tell me anything. Anything.”

He was surprised when Spock let out a shaky breath. “It would only upset you.”

“And so? It’s okay for me to be upset, Spock.”

“Not because of me,” Spock insisted. “I would never wish for that.”

Jim released him but only to turn Spock around to face him and then he gripped his biceps. “I’m not fragile. I can handle whatever it is. You have to trust me, Spock. Or this isn’t going to work.”

“It…It is not easy to talk about, ashaya.”

“Even with me?”

“Especially with you.” Spock’s gaze lowered. “It is my duty as your bondmate to protest you and keep you safe and I cannot even do that for myself.”

“Isn’t it my duty to do the same for you?” Jim whispered. “Spock, your shuttle crashed and you were abducted by the slavers. That was not something you could have prevented.”

“They-they did so many horrible things. I tried to pretend they were not violating me, but—” A tear slipped down Spock’s cheek.

“Oh, honey.’ Jim threw his arms around Spock and held him tight. “I’m so sorry. I don’t even know what to say. What to do.”

“The pain was unimaginable,” Spock told him. “In my head and in-in…”

“God.” Jim squeezed him tighter. “I want to kill them. All of them.”

“No! You are never to go anywhere near any of them. If they hurt you I could not withstand it.”

“Spock.” Jim rubbed Spock’s back. “Do you-do you think you should talk to someone?”

“Negative. Vulcans do not do such things.”

“But—”

Spock pulled back to look at Jim. His dark eyes were turbulent. “No. It is not the Vulcan way. The mind healer did what she could to help me and anything else I must handle myself.”

“Not yourself,” Jim said. “With me.”

Spock’s thumb stroked along Jim’s cheek. “I can endure anything with you by my side, Jim.”

“You have me,” Jim said gently. “Come inside. I’ll make you some tea. Okay?”

Spock nodded and allowed himself to be pulled back into their apartment. Jim pushed him into a chair in the living room and went into the kitchen to make spiced tea.  

When he returned with Spock’s tea, Spock pulled him onto his lap. Jim was surprised but not unwilling.

“How…was it often?” Jim managed to ask. Not knowing if he even should. He’d seen the memories in Spock’s mind through their bond. He did not want to think about it.

At first Spock didn’t reply and Jim was certain he should not have asked. But then he said, low, “Negative. It was only once. One of the guards wished to-to subjugate Mother for she was trying to defy him. She had been trying to help those of us with the contraptions on our heads. She was attempting to pry one off the head of a Betazoid when the guard came upon us. Mother became angry when the guard kicked the Betazoid. As punishment, it was his intent to show his power over her by raping her.”

Jim closed his eyes and nearly forgot to breathe.

“I could not allow that to happen without attempting to stop it. Even though I could barely function or think with the device attached to my brain, I was able to get enough out that the guard knew I was offering myself in her stead. He liked the idea of punishing my mother for her defiance by violating her son instead.”

Jim wiped at the tears that were pouring down his own cheeks. “I hate them.”

Spock let out a shaky breath. “As do I, ashaya.”

“Such awful cruelty.”

“I believe that particular guard was killed during the rescue,” Spock said quietly.

“Unless he was drawn and quartered, it was not enough.”

“Jim.” Spock cupped his jaw and tilted his face up to meet Spock’s gaze. “You are my hero. You have saved me in more ways than you can even imagine. You are…so precious.”

Jim shook his head, the emotions clogging his throat, making it difficult to speak.

“Taluhk nash-veh k'dular, ashal-sa-telsu.”

Jim wasn’t quite sure what Spock said, but it sounded beautiful.

He leaned into Spock and whispered against his lips, “I love you.”


	39. There is Love

“How are you doing?”

Spock eyed his mate. Jim was smiling one of his gentle smiles that usually meant he was concerned for Spock but didn’t want to show it for fear he would offend Spock in some way.

They’d been back to Earth, and more particularly, San Francisco, for a month now. Jim persisted some with asking Spock if he needed to speak with someone.

At first, Spock had been plagued by nightmares as well as night sweats.  There had been a rather odd sort of comfort when Spock had been unable to truly remember all the details of his ordeal as a slave, but now that he had his full mental capacity restored, they were back to disturb him. The nightmares had been a surprise. It was a fallacy that Vulcans never dreamed, and most certainly for himself that was half-human. But he had never faced such vivid dreams before.

The first one he’d experience when in San Francisco, he’d awakened to Jim’s hands on his face, trying, rather unsuccessfully, to meld them and bring Spock out of the dream. Since then, they’d practiced together. Connecting, bonding. It was getting easier, for Jim, for him.

Spock’s nightmares were fading, if not entirely the memories that caused them. He didn’t regret offering himself in place of his mother. He could only imagine how much worse his memories and dreams would have been had she been victimized. There were two humans in his life that meant all the world to him and he would protect them at his own expense for all time, if needed.

Though the violation of his body had been traumatic, the continuing violation of his mind and telepathic abilities had been far worse. The suppression device had been among the most barbaric method of torture Spock had encountered. According to what he’d been told, Starfleet had agreed with him.

“Spock?” The smile was slipping from Jim’s face.

“I am well, Jim. Do not be concerned.”

Jim searched his face, his gaze, looking for assurances Spock tried to give. “We don’t have to do this now.”

Spock shook his head as he raised his hand toward his beloved’s face. “I wish to.” Jim closed his eyes as Spock spoke the words, “My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts.”

And then he gave his memories to Jim.

 

_“Are you going to wear a tux?” Jim asked Spock as he lay on his stomach on Spock’s bed. He had his feet in the air, crossed at the ankles. Spock was sitting at his desk doing school work._

_“Hmm?”_

_“To the prom. It’s only two weeks.”_

_“Is it required?”_

_“No. You can wear a regular suit. Or I guess one of your sweaters if you prefer. As long as it’s nice.”_

_Spock nodded absently._

_“I don’t think I’ll wear a tux either. Maybe a suit though. I don’t really have one, but maybe Mom will take me shopping.” Jim bit his lip and changed positions until he was laying on his back staring up at the ceiling. “You have to get me a corsage too.”_

_“A corsage?”_

_“Well, like a little flower to pin on my suit. Maybe a pink carnation. You know there’s an old, old song. ‘_ _A white sports coat and a pink carnation. I'm all dressed up for the dance. A white sports coat and a pink carnation. I'm all alone in romance’,” Jim sang._

_Spock looked up from his terminal. “You have a beautiful voice.”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“Indeed. But you are not all alone in romance.”_

_Jim smiled. “That’s how it goes. I’d look good in white.”_

_“In anything, actually.” But Spock had once more gone back to his terminal._

_“Hey, babe?”_

_“Yes, Jim?”_

_“When-when do you and your parents return to Vulcan?”_

_“Early June.”_

_Jim swallowed and closed his eyes. “Okay. Wish I could go with you.”_

_He heard Spock shift in his chair though he didn’t open his eyes. Then he felt the bed dip as Spock lay next to him. Felt Spock’s fingers ghost over his jaw and the rest on his face._

_“I wish the same, ashaya. But you have another year of school here.”_

_“I know.”_

_“We will talk every day while are parted.”_

_Jim nodded._

_Spock’s lips touched his nose. “What is it you fear?”_

_“You’ll find someone else you want instead of me,” Jim whispered, his throat closing painfully._

_“Never. We are never parted, Jim.”_

_“Teenaged couples break up all the time.”_

_“We are not like them. We are bonded.”_

_“What if you meet some really sexy Vulcan?”_

_Spock’s breath puffed out across Jim’s face. “Open your eyes, Jim.”_

_He did, finally, staring into Spock’s warm dark chocolate eyes._

_“You are the most beautiful creature I have ever known, inside and out, and that you are my t’hy’la, my cherished mate, is an honor and a privilege that I will never take lightly. Taluhk nash-veh k'dular.”_

_Jim licked his lips. “Is that Vulcan?”_

_Spock nodded._

_“What does it mean?”_

_“That I cherish you above all others. Always and forever.”_

 

As Spock dropped his hands from Jim’s face, Jim opened his eyes, he was smiling.

“I’ll never get tired of seeing your memories of us,” Jim said, kissing Spock softly.

“It pleases me to share them with you.”

Jim put his arms around Spock. “Even then you were just…”

“What? Spock prodded.

Jim’s lips curved. “More than I deserved.”

“I do not agree.”

Jim glanced toward the time on the chronometer. “We don’t have time for anything else. We both have class.”

Spock nodded after another taste of Jim’s too sweet lips, he disengaged from his mate’s embrace to pick up his book bag. He saw Jim’s smirk and Spock could not help the answering smile. “You are illogically pleased you are ahead of me at the academy.”

“Well. That’s like the _only_ thing. And it’s only because I started first. You are catching up freakishly fast.”

“If I am one day to serve with you aboard a starship I will need to be especially efficient.”

Jim raised his eyebrows. “And why is that?”

“You have a rather unconventional way of doing tasks, not to mention you are not always cognitive of your own safety.”

“I’m not sure I could argue with that.”

“I am certain you could not. You do not recall this but once you stole and crashed a motorbike in an ill-advised attempt at rebellion.”

“Spock—”

“You were fortunate to survive.”

“I’m not sure it’s fair to use something I can’t even remember against me.”

Spock led the way to their apartment door. “I never agreed to be fair.”

“Hey!”

****

 “Jim, it was not appropriate to cheat on the test—”

“Oh, it was just a tiny thing. Just a little re-programming.”

“Jim—”

“Hey, I passed, didn’t I?”

“Because you were deceptive.”

“Well…here comes Pike. He looks pissed.”

“No doubt he is.”

“I don’t see why. I should get a commendation for original thinking or something.”

Spock huffed.

“Kirk, see me in my office.”

“Yes, sir.”

****

_“He is perfect. And I-I am not.”_

_Mother’s face softened. “Oh, Spock.” She stepped close and put her hands on his chest. “Jim is certainly not perfect and he doesn’t need you to be so either.”_

_“But—”_

_“No buts. You look lovely and Jim thinks so too.”_

_“Did he say so?”_

_“He didn’t have to. He says it with his eyes every time he looks at you. Neither of you are perfect, Spock, except for each other.” Mother smiled. “There’s no need to be nervous.”_

_“I am not,” he denied._

_She raised her eyebrow in a fair imitation of Spock or her husband._

_“Perhaps I am slightly. I do not wish to disappoint him.”_

_She shook her head. “The only way you would is if you hide in here all night.”_

_“But he deserves—”_

_“You. That is what he deserves. Your father is waiting in the hover car to take you and Jim to the prom.”_

_“Father? But he said the prom was most illogical.”_

_Mother’s gentle smile widened. “Yes, I know. And I am sure he still thinks so, but he’s taking you anyway.”_

_“You persuaded him?”_

_“I, too, have my ways, Spock.” She turned him to face his bedroom door and gave him a gentle push out._

_Spock went back out to the living room. Jim was standing just inside the front door. He’d pinned the carnation onto his coat and it went quite well with his pink bowtie._

_Jim smiled. “Wow.”_

_Spock swallowed. “Wow?”_

_“Uh-huh. Wow. Everything okay?”_

_Spock looked into Jim’s eyes and realized Mother was right. Jim’s eyes were very expressive. “Yes. Shall we?”_

_“One second.” Jim stepped close and then Spock realized he had a red carnation in his hands and he pinned it to Spock’s coat. Then Jim moved his hand down to Spock’s and held it._

****

_“Do you know how to dance?” Jim asked as he led Spock over to a punch bowl and handed him a cup of punch._

_Spock nodded. “I have been researching it.”_

_Jim grinned. “Researching it? How?”_

_Spock felt himself blush. “I watched videos.”_

_“You are so cute.” Jim took the cup back from Spock and set it on the table next to them. “Let’s dance.”_

_“Do you know how?”_

_“Yep. Used to dance with my grandmother when I was a kid.”_

_For some reason Spock got a flash of Jim, about seven, dancing with an older woman with gray hair and sparking blue eyes. He realized it was a memory from his t’hy’la._

_“You were adorable, ashaya.”_

_Jim laughed and, taking Spock’s hand, led him onto the dance floor with other couples. Spock only had eyes for Jim, though, as Spock took him into his arms and began to dance to the slow song Spock was only vaguely familiar with._

_“You’re leading,” Jim said._

_Spock arched a brow. “Is that a problem?”_

_Jim’s cheeks turned redder. “No.” He licked his lips. “You’re staring.”_

_He nodded. “Is that a problem?”_

_Jim visibly swallowed. “No.”_

_They danced several more dances and then eventually went onto the balcony of the facility, hand in hand. Just as they had all night, they ignored others that were there before them. Jim leaned over the railing._

_“There’s your friend Christine. I can’t believe she’s with Donald Hornet.”_

_Spock glanced down to below where Christine along with her date stood talking with other couples. “She expressed a liking for him therefore she accepted when he asked her.”_

_“No accounting for taste, I guess.”_

_Spock leaned against the railing. “Some would undoubtedly question the wisdom of your choice as well.”_

_“Yeah, well. They can suck my cock.”_

_“Jim.”_

_Jim laughed. “It’s just an expression, Spock.”_

_“I am aware. It is still not appropriate.”_

_“They don’t have proms on Vulcan, huh?”_

_“Definitely not.”_

_Jim nodded. Moved his hand down the railing until it covered Spock’s. “Is it too much an expression of affection?”_

_“Indeed. Couples do not openly dance nor touch in the way those around us have. Even your hand on mine as it is now would not be allowed.”_

_“Is that because of the touch telepathy?”_

_“That is a large part of it. Plus it is not logical to openly claim the affections of another. Most are bonded as children anyway, so there is no real ability to choose another.”_

_“Sounds old-fashioned.”_

_“It is efficient for our purposes. Before logic dictated our lives, we nearly destroyed ourselves with uncontrolled emotions.”_

_“So, if I ever come to Vulcan, I can’t do this.” Jim stepped close, into Spock’s personal space and touched his fingers to Spock’s jaw. His lips found Spock’s in a soft kiss that definitely warmed Spock’s insides._

_“Most assuredly not,” Spock murmured. He closed his eyes as Jim kissed him again. Jim’s tongue flicked against his and Spock barely held back a moan._

_“I have to behave myself there then.”_

_“Yes. At least in public. What one does privately is no one else’s business.”_

_“Somehow that sounds so…decadent.”_

_“Yes.” Jim’s tongue teased along the seam of his lips until Spock opened them once more, allowing Jim entry._

_“Speaking of.” Jim’s hand slipped down Spock’s body to between his legs._

_“Jim, no,” Spock gasped._

_Jim leaned close to Spock’s ear. “I want to suck you.”_

_“Not here.”_

_Jim nodded. “I know a room.”_

_“A room?”_

_“Yeah.” Jim grabbed Spock’s hand and pulled him away from the railing and back into the building. He turned into a hallway almost immediately and down to the end._

“I freaking love that memory,” Jim said breathlessly. “Why do you always stop there?”

Spock grabbed Jim’s biceps and shook gently. “Because you are incorrigible and do not need any more encouragement.”

“Hmm.” Jim grinned. “Speaking of encouragement.” He suddenly dropped to his knees before Spock. His fingers were already going to the fastening of Spock’s trousers.

“Jim, we are expecting visitors in less than fifteen minutes.”

“Plenty of time to make you come.” He drew Spock’s already half-hard cock out and Spock was powerless to stop him. He did not want to. He watched as Jim’s lips parted and then closed over the tip of his erection.

“Jim!”

The doorbell rang. Spock stiffened.

Jim released his cock. “Damn, they’re early.”

Spock began to push Jim away.

“Guess I’ll have to work faster than I thought,” Jim said with a mischievous glint in his eyes as he dove back onto Spock’s penis.

“Jim!”

****

“How is it you get to graduate the same time as Bones and me?”

“I have successfully completed the coursework for the academy.”

“Well, yeah, I know, but—“

“Jim, just face it, the hobgoblin is smarter than us.”

“Yeah and smart guys are so hot.” Jim reached for Spock.

“For God’s sake, Jim. There’s no time for you to maul Spock.”

“I am forced to agree with the doctor. We should be leaving for the graduation ceremony.”

Jim sighed. “God, you two are such grumps. And to think I get stuck with you both on the Farragut.”

“You love us. Now get going, Jim. You can maul Spock afterward.”

Jim grinned. “I intend to. Over and over.”

“Jim.”

“Going.”

****

Spock found Jim looking out over the San Francisco skyline. All their belongings that they had accumulated since they’d lived in San Francisco for their academy years had been packed and stored. Up until today, Jim had been hyper and excited over the prospect of beginning their careers in space.

Now he was quiet and pensive. Very subdued.

“T’hy’la?”

Jim turned and smiled. “Hey.”

“Are you unwell?”

“No, I’m fine. It’s just…this is real. We’re really going.”

“Yes, our quarters on the Farragut have already been prepared. I received a welcome message from Captain Garrovick.”

“Me too. It’s going to be great.”

“And yet?”

“It’s stupid.” Jim sighed and turned back to look at the sky. “I want to go up there.”

“You will miss San Francisco.”

“Yeah.”

“And Earth.”

Jim nodded. “I know my place is up there. And someday, I’ll be a captain of my own starship.” He held out his hand for Spock, who took it and came to stand beside his mate. “And you, you will be by my side.”

“Always.”

“Bones, too.”

“Undoubtedly.”

 Jim smiled faintly. “You contact your mom?”

“I did,” Spock replied. “She is pleased with our success.” He watched Jim’s profile. “And you? Did you contact your mother?”

His mate closed his eyes and shook his head. “I still have so much anger.”

“I believe she meant well.”

“Doesn’t make it right.”

“No,” Spock agreed.

Jim turned to Spock, still grasping his hand. “I love you more than I can ever say. You fill my heart, my soul. And I know, based on your memories, that it’s always been that way. I couldn’t love you more than I do. And yet—”

“You feel robbed of our time then.”

“Yes. You do too, don’t you?”

“Affirmative. But I find that it is pointless to judge her. You are her son. She tried to make a decision she thought was best for you at the time.”

“It wasn’t.”

“No.”

“If she hadn’t taken that from me, maybe I could have found you sooner.”

Spock shook his head and leaned into kiss Jim. “What ifs will never solve anything, ashaya.”

Jim sighed and wrapped his arms around Spock. “I know. Someday…I’ll talk to her. Just not yet.”

“As you wish.”

“Ready to leave?”

“I am ready to follow you anywhere. I am forever with you.”

Jim smiled. “I love the sound of that. Forever.”

Spock put his fingers on Jim’s face. “And beyond.”  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That is, at last, a wrap on this one. I started it more than a year ago, but finally I found a place to end it I was satisfied with. I hope you are too.


End file.
